Letter from America I - June 2009

That's Dollars a Gallon!!

Europeans, myself included, find it difficult to stop giggling when re-fuelling their cars.

Any car or ‘pick-up’ engine under 3.0 liters is considered by Texans to be small, any engine under 2.0 liters, impotent. Minis and Smart Cars are very rare indeed and seem to attract a curious mix of bemusement and sympathy. The drivers of the typical 80,000 lbs, double trailer, 42-wheel trucks view them with the same disdain as the ‘bugs on the windshield’.

The Houston 100 Club

There is a so-called ‘100 Club’ in Houston where members simply donate $100 a year to the Fire/Police/Ambulance services. All you get in return is a sticker for the rear of your car. Of course, it doesn’t buy you any leniency re. minor infringements like parking and speeding because that would be illegal. I’m a member.

The Houston Copper

The term ‘Police’ I used above covers the regular Houston Police, the Highway Patrols, the County Sheriffs, the local Constables, the State Troopers and the US Marshalls – all carry guns (and most carry moustaches).

Nobody actually says, "Howdy." Everybody says, "How are you?" and then never seems particularly interested in the reply regardless of the level of detail provided.

British Jaguar XKR

The correct form of polite address in Texas is either ‘Sir’ or ‘Mayem’. The closest that Brits get to the latter is ma’am, the address reserved only for our Queen. Of course, there are no Queens in Houston (outside Alabama Montrose – an area of Houston best avoided, I am reliably informed)

Although it is technically illegal in Texas, you can get away with not having a license plate on the front of your car. The ‘100 Club’ probably helps. The XKR looks ‘awesome’ without one. It’s a shame Alpha Romeos are not popular here because they look so odd with the offset front number plate back in Europe.

Why the wrong wheels?

A good way to advertise a very low IQ is to deliberately fit the wrong size wheels to your car or pick-up - either too big like radio controlled toys (the ‘monster truck’ image) or too small like casters on a sofa (the ‘low-rider’ image).

Why the wrong wheels?

The ‘too big’ cases invariably speed down the middle lanes of the ‘freeway’ while the ‘too small’ cases invariably cruise slowly in the inside lanes scuffing their exhausts and sump guards on bumps. This may be part of their desired image but I suspect both are too dumb to realize that if you change wheel size your speedometer needs recalibrating.

Water is pronounced ‘waarda’ and Jaguar is pronounced ‘Jagwaar’ and a Brit is unlikely to be understood if it is said any other way. Nevertheless, I have been complimented numerous times, particularly in Oklahoma City, on my ‘acsayent’.

Tumbleweed does that!

When my mate, Tony asked for a bottle of water in a small, middle-of-nowhere café near Casper in Wyoming (and yes ‘tumbleweed’ does exist and does do just that), he was told by a confused waitress, after a long pause, in a slow drawl, “We god waarda .… we pud id in a glass.” He was then handed a pint-sized plastic mug full of tap water. Oops, I forgot … Tony is my friend, colleague and ‘buddy’ but certainly not my ‘mate’.

"Gimme a waaarda!"

Nobody says “please”. Whereas I might say “I would like a beer, please”, Texans will say “Gimme a beer” or “Why don’t you gimme a beer?”. Waiters, waitresses, bartenders don’t seem to mind. I tried it just once but it felt so excruciatingly uncomfortable that I felt obliged to overcompensate with profuse thanks when said beverage eventually arrived. I will continue to say “please”. 

The 110 volts electricity might be safer than 240 volts but having to wait twice as long for the kettle to boil for that first cup of tea in the morning is, at least in my case, a much bigger HSE (i.e. health/safety) issue.

American Light Lunch

All kitchen sinks in Texas are fitted with waste disposal units that, providing you keep an eye on errant teaspoons, prove to be very useful. Other household waste is simply loaded onto the back of open pick-ups and sprinkled over the I10.

On the subject of kitchens, my refrigerator is the size of a walk-in closet and my walk-in closet is the size of a spare bedroom.

Texans serious about dieting cut back on those calories by ordering a diet coke with their fully-loaded-double-cheese-half-pound-bacon-burger-and-fries-combo (at lunch).

The Ubiquitous Pickle

If you want to withdraw cash from an ATM without your ‘butt’ having to leave your car seat there are numerous drive-through banks – and the ATMs have Braille on the keys for all those blind drivers.

‘Pickles’, a slimy slice of limp cucumber soaked in vinegar, find their way into every takeaway, burger, sandwich, lunchbox, whether they are ordered or not.

Texans are meat eaters. They don’t regard vegetables as ‘real food’ but rather what ‘real food’ eats! They believe there is room for all of God’s creatures on this Earth … right next to the mashed potato (T-shirt slogan).

Hi-end restaurants charging $30+ for a steak or BBQ restaurants charging $9 for an ‘all-you-can-eat’ buffet lunch have one thing in common – superb quality, properly aged, tender, tasty, mouth-watering meat (and cooked just right). Europeans shouldn’t even attempt to compete! From now on, when in Europe, I’ll eat fish. On the other hand, fish over here, if not deep fried, tends to be overcooked.

On that note, vegetarians are barely tolerated in Texas. They are expected to order the ‘Chef’s special salad’ and then pick the 2 lbs of smoked ham, chicken and bacon bits off the top then search through the cheese to find the greenery.

Table Etiquette?

Table etiquette is totally different; the knife and fork are first used together to cut up the whole plate of food into bite-sized chunks. Then the knife is placed down on or beside the plate and the fork switched hands to eat leaving the left hand redundant. I’ve tried it and it does seem to work though chasing peas around the plate will certainly cause the redundant left hand to twitch in your lap.

The portions of food in restaurants are truly enormous and few people actually finish their meal. You are expected to take away the leftovers in polystyrene containers. My mate, sorry buddy, Jim did this when we were travelling together and then gave the package to a homeless person on the way back to the hotel – what a star!

Even in top class restaurants waiters will remove your empty plate before you have actually swallowed the last mouthful of food and certainly while your fellow guests are still eating. If you place both knife and fork down for a moment with food still on the plate you will be asked “Are you are still working on that?”

Over-iced Water

It is impossible to finish a ‘soda’ (soft drink) or glass of water in a restaurant. As soon as the level falls more than an inch below the rim of the glass a waiter will pounce to top it up. It is therefore only full glasses that are eventually thrown away.

Glasses are packed brim-full with ice before any liquids are poured in. The liquid is then super-cooled (a good way to find dodgy fillings without going to a dentist) and the copious quantities of condensation that forms on the outside of the glass drips onto embarrassing parts of your pants (trousers).

The plastic teaspoons that Europeans normally use to measure, dispense and then stir sugar into hot beverages don’t exist in Texas. These have been replaced by thin plastic straws that prove to be totally unsuitable for the purpose.

Occupied!!

Bars and saloons don’t have swinging knee-high doors (like in the old Western films) but unfortunately most toilet stalls do. There is seldom a green/red or vacant/occupied indicator on the door so it is customary to check if a stall is occupied by glancing under the gap - an unwelcome chance to appraise the trousers-around-ankles and underwear choice of the incumbent. I doubt if I will ever get used to this lack of privacy. Beware those limbo dancers!

The 500+ television channels offer little more than commercials unless you want to ‘pay for view’. The commercials are designed to appeal only to the ultra-dumb, naïve and gullible and often have a guy with a beard (evidence of dependability, maturity, reliability) SHOUTING at you. On offer are:

• pills that allow you to eat twice as much food and still lose weight
• cosmetic surgery (for those wanting to look like Michael Jackson or the Joker out of Batman)
• cosmetic dentistry (for those wanting to look like Austin Powers or Esther Rantzen)
• exercise machines that transform hippopotami into Calvin Klein underwear models without even breaking a sweat
• hair tonics that transform a bald head into something more like a peach
• ‘natural male enhancement’ – as if unnatural or supernatural were also options

  …… BUT WAIT ! .. if you order right now you will get another one absolutely free AND…

Contradiction in Terms

If ‘BBC America’ isn’t already a contradiction in terms, it adds insult to injury by also having 4 minutes of commercials for every 6 minutes of real program (I just timed it). Professional sports actually stop several times during play to allow commercials to be shown on television – really difficult to believe but actually true! Yes, seriously! This means that the ‘ballgames’ last several hours and the popcorn has to be sold in buckets. ………OK, I know, but cricket is different.

Even the News programs are self advertising e.g. “A plane has just crashed in Europe – stay with us to find out which airline and how many are dead – after these commercials only on CNN.” I pine for the efficient 15 minute BBC News injection before going to work.

After 34 years of incident-free driving I had to take theoretical and practical driving tests to get a Texas driver’s license. To buy a .45 Winchester Magnum handgun complete with a box of ammunition over the counter I would need cash and photo-ID. A 350 lb (25 stone) African-American driving examiner doesn’t fit very comfortably into the front seat of a Jaguar XKR - driving tests tend to be very short here.

In only God we trust

Regardless of a respectable salary, paid-off mortgage and a healthy savings account you can’t even get a Macy’s store card or any utilities account without a so-called ‘credit rating’. A $500 deposit was required before I was allowed to use any American electricity! To get a credit rating you have to have a history of paying – guess what - bills like mortgages, utilities, store cards and credit cards.

If you suggest paying for a car in cash you will have to explain the concept in three different ways before it is fully understood. Then you will be treated with a level of suspicion normally reserved for the Mafioso and drug dealers. “In God we trust” is printed on dollar bills of all denominations – there should be an “only” in parenthesis.

The latest sport that appears to be catching on in Texas is hunting wild boar with an automatic rifle – wait for it – from a helicopter. Sign me up!

The overuse of the word ‘awesome’ is well known and somewhat clichéd but I am keeping a list of things I believe really qualify for that descriptor:

10oz Fillet Steak

• Aforementioned XKR without number plate on front
• The 10oz filet steak at the ‘Red Prime’ restaurant in OKC
• The thunderstorms over Downtown Houston viewed from the 17th floor balcony
• The sunrise over the same Downtown Houston vista

Sunrise over Houston

A phrase also overused here: “It’s not just the heat, it’s the humiddidy” (oh dear…and it’s only the beginning of June).