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| Don't (Jay-) Walk! |
'Jay walking’ is illegal in some states although, so few Americans actually walk anywhere, the law is largely irrelevant. I was stopped in ‘Bricktown’, OKC for jay walking by two bored cops in a patrol car. They actually whirred their siren for a moment to capture my attention as they pulled up beside me (very effective, I might add). Knowing my mistake I apologized immediately by saying “I’m terribly sorry, but I didn’t know that crossing on red was illegal here – there were no cars in sight.” The driver turned to his partner and said in the most appalling attempt at an English ‘ac-say-ent’, “The Gentleman appairs to be tairrebly sorry.” Needless to say, they let me off with a warning.
Taxi drivers tend not to be the ‘sharpest pencils in the case’ and particularly in OKC. On the way to the Wood Group offices in OKC we happened to drive under a train bridge as a train was crossing overhead (a typical mile-long train moving at 5 mph but still finding it necessary to blow continuously on its whistle). The taxi driver demonstrated a fountain of local knowledge by explaining, in a slow drawl “That’s the train”. After waiting for about 10 seconds for more information to follow I realised that this conversation was to be an exchange of very short sentences. I therefore countered with “Where’s it go?”. He thought for a long moment and then trumped me with the explanation, “Oudda town.” Realizing that I had met my match, I sat in silence for the remainder of the trip.
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| Predatory Tow Truck |
My company’s safety standards preclude the use of cell phones (even hands-free) while driving. However, if you pull over to take a call you will be surrounded by predatory break-down trucks before you have had time to say “Hello”. They naturally assume that you are calling for alternative assistance (nobody else ever stops to use a cell phone in the USA) so they deliberately try to interrupt your call. If you don’t hang up and explain immediately there is a very good chance that you will be hoisted up and towed away while still on the phone. Worse still, your car could be torn in half by two trucks competing for business.
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| Eastwood's Magnum |
Having joined a shooting club and tried several handguns on the range (including Clint Eastward’s Magnum), I now know just how unrealistic those Hollywood action films really are. It should be the guy holding the gun that flies backward when the gun is fired not the person shot. Even though I had been forewarned and ‘leaned into the aim’ as instructed, the 45 Magnum just about knocked me off my feet. When my instructor turned to me to say “Good shot” I wasn’t there anymore.
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| Handguns for sale |
When we discussed an ideal gun and caliber to have at home for self protection, the point was made that you want to ‘take down the bad guy’ with a single shot but avoid having to redecorate the room afterwards!
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| Concealed Handgun License |
At the Gun Club, there is always a queue of at least 20 people waiting to have their finger prints taken to collect their ‘concealed handgun licenses’. As I passed the queue I overheard the instruction “Left thumb..…no, your left thumb..…no, THAT thumb.” I realised that the combined IQ of the Q barely reached double figures. All sported baseball caps with peaks pointing anywhere but forwards; most wore jeans or baggy shorts with the waist bands at groin level and the crotches at knee level; most had a selection of chains, medallions and ‘bling’ around their necks; most wore very dark sunglasses (indoors). Hopefully, in any confrontation, these would-be gun-slingers will be unable to see, unable to run and will take slightly longer to reach for their guns. Darwinian principle will thus prevail.
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| That will do nicely! |
American consumers love their credit cards – I think I know why. As in Europe, the prices of goods are designed to look appealing - $4.99 looks much better than $5.00 (though numerous folk have worked out that there is, in fact, only one cent difference). In Europe however this pricing strategy is also convenient; something advertised at 4.99 Euros can be paid for with a 5 Euro note and return negligible change. In America however, tax will be added to make the total price, inconveniently and irritatingly, just a little over $5.00. You then have to break into another $20 and walk away with a wad of notes and a pocket full of coins.
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| Pretty good news! |
Physical appearance seems to be very important in many lines of American business. TV commercials, flyers, junk mail advertisements, billboards and sometimes even business cards have a portrait picture (always the same immaculate pose) of the subject doctor, dentist, agent, lawyer, ‘realtor’ (estate agent) etc. Only when you get to meet them do you realize that the photographs are at least 10 years out of date.
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| 'Pre-shade it!" |
Somewhat contradictory to the above, ‘political correctness’ and ‘anti-discrimination’ concerns are forefront in the American psyche. Nevertheless, all female news readers are stereotypically attractive, aged between 25-30, with shoulder length hair and perfect, very white teeth. By the way, they are all on first name terms and always thank each other personally after each bulletin, usually closing with the expression ‘pre-shade it’.
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| All American Smile |
On the subject of teeth, I have heard ‘good ol’ Blighty’ (England) referred to, by Americans, as ‘the land of yellow teeth’. I found this quite disturbing at first but then quite thought provoking. Ever since, I have been appraising a somewhat exaggerated smile at every opportunity - in bathroom mirrors, car rearview mirrors, shop windows, backs of spoons – and now it has gotten (sic) to the stage where I linger apprehensively around the ‘oral hygiene’ aisles in Walmart – only $30 for the promise of a Cameron Diaz smile….I wonder….
Coffee is no longer just coffee. Even at the office we have a choice of ten varieties, most with inappropriate flavors like Hazelnut, Cinnamon, Pecan, Vanilla. It doesn’t stop there. If you take milk, Nestlé also offers several inappropriate flavors like Irish-cream, cinnamon and vanilla, Amaretto in additional to the ‘original’. If you account for ‘decaf’ and optional sugar there are over 100 possible permutations! Decisions, decisions!
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| Larger, Larger, Largest! |
In Starbucks you are entitled to an infinite number of re-fills when you order their ‘regular’ filtered brew. Even when you elect to drink on the premises you will be asked if you want a ‘tall’, ‘grande’ or ‘vente’ (small, medium or large in any other language) each priced accordingly - and some folk will still order the ‘vente’ ... um?
The ‘small, medium and large’ referred to above would be ‘large’, ‘extra large’ and ‘ridiculously large’ by any European standard. FYI…all cars have cup holders but few have toilets.
Notice I used the word ‘few’ above. In OKC I worked with a team of ‘well service technicians’ from Louisiana who had drilled a hole in the floor of their ‘pick-up’ and fitted a rubber tube and funnel. This to allow them to spit chewing tobacco and pee, I was told, “without having to stop or use their hard-hats.” Never drive behind an oilfield pick-up truck in America.
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| American "bacon" ! |
You can’t get proper ‘back bacon’ anywhere in the USA. The only bacon available is what Brits would call ‘streaky bacon’ and that is grilled or fried until the last molecule of moisture has evaporated. The remaining tasteless, brittle sticks can only be snapped or shattered (with fragments usually landing some distance from the plate) and then scooped up with a fork. ‘Canadian bacon’ is sometimes offered as an alternative but that is really just warmed-up ham.
The term ‘Canadian’, by the way, when used by Americans, tacitly implies ‘aspiring to be, but not quite managing to be, real American’.
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| American Joggers |
I certainly do not pretend to be an expert on this subject but joggers in Europe tend to be slim, fit, athletic types. I live on the edge of Memorial Park, a popular jogging circuit in the early mornings before the Houston heat conspires with the Houston humiddidy to make any slight movement out of doors impossible. Noticeably, American joggers come in every extreme (per)mutation of size, weight, shape, sex, race, color, age. Some jog, some walk, some wobble, some shuffle; some come close to crawling on hands and knees - but all have two things in common – tortured expressions and torrents of sweat.
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| A non-flat Armadillo |
There are no bicycles in Houston. I guess that’s partly due to the heat and humiddidy and partly due to the road system and heavy traffic. Cyclists would just add to the already impressive variety of ‘road kill’. Having served my time in Holland where cyclists rule the roads and where I had to repair several dings caused by recalcitrant teenage cyclists, I find that image quite appealing (by the way, I have yet to see a live i.e. non-flat armadillo).
In my last epistle I forgot to mention yet another category of annoying TV advertising – Lawyers. If you are dying from asbestosis, or suffering from the side-effects of a re-called drug, or were injured at work, or denied a claim for hurricane damage there may be a slim possibility that someone can be blamed. Lawyers line up unashamedly to take full advantage of your misery.
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| The 4-way stop works! |
The ‘4-way stop’ rule at cross-roads works very well. Miraculously cars progress in the exact order they arrive at the intersection. This would never work in Holland where drivers would compete to barge their way across or in UK where everybody would wait for everybody else – Europe had best stick to roundabouts and traffic lights. This degree of American courtesy however does not extend to the multi-lane freeways and interstates where it is legal to pass cars on either side. Many cars weave in and out and rarely use indicators. Indicators are considered to be a challenge to the car behind to try to close the gap before you can move across – much better, therefore, to catch them by surprise.
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| Muscle-brained Mustang! |
Before I bought the Jaguar XKR, I felt morally obliged, as an Expat, to give the American options a fair try. I test drove the new 5.4 liter, 420 horsepower Ford Mustang, the 6.1 liter, 425 horsepower Dodge Challenger and the (terrifying) 6.2 liter, 638 horsepower (638 is not a typo) Corvette. I had to agree with Jeremy Clarkson – all were blindingly fast but crass and poor quality in everything but the engines. The only American car that came anywhere close to European / Japanese quality was the overpriced 4.6 liter, 320 horsepower Cadillac XLR and even that was several years behind on the technology package. The salesmen promoting these ‘vee-hicles’ were correspondingly bullish and crass. During the test drive of the Corvette I was told that there was a traction control setting that allowed the wheels to spin and burn rubber while holding the car in a straight line “for those traffic light occasions when you need that” - I rest my case.
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| Muscle-brained Corvette! |
I have just realised that I don’t know any Americans (friends and/or colleagues) who actually drive American cars. Apologies if I have overlooked someone but I doubt if you will ‘fess up’. Several have American ‘people carriers’ and ‘pick-ups’ and that is certainly an arena where Europeans can’t compete (but, there again, who would want to?).
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| Houstonian pot plant |
When I wanted to purchase a plant for my balcony I visited a local ‘nursery’ that was the size of a small village. There must have been several thousand varieties of plants in all shapes and sizes. I explained to the proprietor, a soil-and-dust-covered gentleman sporting a checked shirt and dungarees, that I had a west-facing, 17th floor balcony and wanted a plant that I could leave unattended for maybe three weeks when I travelled. What would he recommend? I could see that he was mentally translating the question then he spat chewing tobacco to one side (closer to my feet than I would have preferred), said “Nuffun” and returned to his business of re-potting a fern.
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| Three little pigs??? |
When I was considering buying a property in Houston I was pleased to discover that properties are a small fraction the price of comparable properties anywhere in Europe. Then I discovered why. Every home, even those of three or four stories, are made entirely of wood (floors, walls, ceilings, even the sub-structures and major load-bearing members). Insulated metal chimney ducts are the only non-wood components in the entire construction. Any appearance of stone or brick is a thin veneer or façade; roofs are invariably thin tarred felt and shingle made to look like tile. Now, Houston is in a major hurricane corridor as proven by last year’s hurricane Ike (I still don’t know why they give winds names, by the way). Maybe they should teach the story of the ‘Three Little Pigs’ in American primary schools (if not architectural colleges).
