Letter from America X - October 2011

Wacko wrong again!

As y’all may have noticed, the world did not end on 21st October as the wacko, Camping had predicted which was just as well because all sane human beings had predicted the World Cup Rugby would end on 23rd October and it did. Predictably, the New Zealand All Blacks dominated the tournament from start to finish before lifting the trophy, after a faltering final, on home soil – it doesn’t get much better than that! Kiwi fingernails will soon grow back. Predictably England stumbled through to the play-offs, apologising every step of the way for their lack-lustre performance (regrettably both on and off the pitch), before Le Coq Sportif ended their misery in the quarter finals (depriving Wales of the privilege). 

New Zealand victorious!

Predictably the Dragons played fabulous, exciting, inspired rugby but only succeeded in snatching defeat from the jaws of victory in the semi-finals and then losing the bronze medal, deservedly, to the Aussies. 

Wales magnificent!

Wales lost three matches in the championship by a combined total of five points – bring on the Six Nations! Predictably the USA (without helmets and body armour) were unable to survive in a pool among three strong, rugby-playing nations but nevertheless played with impressive vigour and style. Interestingly though, the USA performance and the excitement it generated in the media have re-opened the debate on the role of helmets and body armour in American football. 

England is a nice country

Americans now realise that it is indeed possible to play nasty, rough, big-boys’ games without Kevlar and some even suggest that American Football would be a much better and safer game without it; helmets and body armour not only limit visibility and restrict movement but, these days, seem to be used more as weapons than for protection. Maybe one day – who knows? (Americans don’t like cauliflower ears though).

Ordinary American pizza

The American love of American pizza cannot be overstated. It is important to differentiate American pizza from fresh handmade Italian pizza – completely different animals – and, contrary to popular belief in America, neither have anything to do with leaning towers. One lunchtime three friends and I drove over 15 miles and spent 35 minutes trying to find a particular American pizzeria that had a particularly good reputation for particularly good American pizza. Throughout this culinary adventure 

Fresh Italian pizza!

I was struggling to contain my excitement and sense of gastronomic anticipation! We eventually found the American pizzeria and ate what could only be described as ... err ... American pizza. I was crestfallen, but being outnumbered 3-1, I am now forced to admit that my British palette lacks the sophistication and refinement to distinguish a particularly good American pizza from an ordinary American pizza. This is something I will just have to learn to live with.

By the way, regardless of the grammar in that last sentence, as a Brit who attended Grammar School, I do know that it is ‘bad form’ to end a sentence with a preposition. Americans however, believe the opposite; I have never understood why Americans will always ask where something is ‘at’. I guess, while living in the USA, this is something up with which I will just have to put. 

Domino's pizza tracker

Returning to the subject of American pizza though, Domino’s Pizza has just introduced software that allows you to track the progress of your pizza home delivery online! In much the same way as you can monitor the progress of your new $215,000 Aston Martin DB9 through the 10-month-long hand-assembly process or track the progress of a priceless FedEx package as it makes its way through border controls and customs on its journey across the globe, you can monitor your pizza as it is created to your exact personal specifications and travels all the way from the pizzeria to your home! Brilliant! You can track every step of the wonderful metamorphosis from raw ingredients to the lukewarm, greasy disc that eventually arrives, puckered up to one side of a damp cardboard box, on your doorstep. What’s more, with reference to that exact pizza, you can also provide immediate feedback to Dominos, online, and tell them straight away that you would not have tipped the pimply youth on the moped if you had opened the box first. 

Shameless cheapskate?

Oh yes, tipping. The UK’s PM, David Cameron, has just been exposed as a shameless cheapskate after failing to leave a tip in an Italian bistro. In his defence, the waitress had told him to pick up his cappuccinos himself because she was too busy! Tipping is expected in the USA whether in taxis, bars, restaurants or hotels and 20% is the going rate for good service. I fully subscribe to the principle of discretionary reward for good service, however, I side with Dave, only when discretionary and only for good service. One lunchtime a group of us were dining at Cyclone Anaya’s, a high-end Tex-Mex restaurant (yes, they do exist) named after a famous Mexican wrestler who married a former Miss Houston bimbo (OK, maybe not that high-end).

Cyclone Anaya's Tex Mex

I had ordered ‘baby-back’ spare ribs and when they arrived the waiter fumbled the plate and sent the sauce-covered rack shooting across the table like a skateboard that has just tossed its ‘hoodie’ (though not half as pleasing). There was no apology nor apparent loss of dignity as he retrieved the ribs from the far side of the table and, with a noticeably un-absorbent napkin, wiped the table to smear most of the sauce from the tabletop to table sides. I had to clean the sides myself with my own equally un-absorbent napkin before my shirt did the job for me. My friends had finished their lunches before my replacement ribs eventually arrived which, by the way, I have to admit, were delicious. Now this was an occasion when I felt somewhat disinclined to tip and suggested we just round up the total but my friends all thought that 20% was still necessary and appropriate. I was a little bemused but, upon reflection, I realised that typically most Brits will moan and grumble about an appalling dinner and then, when the waiter asks, “How was the meal?”, will all say, “Very nice, thank you.” American tips are therefore probably no less discretionary than British compliments. 

Denny's gets 'cheesier'!

While still on the subject of food, though more on the side of culinary terrorism than fine cuisine, Denny’s, yet another American fast food chain, is having a “Let’s Get Cheesy!” promotion (in both senses of the word). Their new menu includes The Cheesy Breakfast Sampler, The Big Cheese Steak, Fried Cheese Melt, Fried Cheese Sandwich, Mac ‘n Cheese, Cheese Quesadilla, The ‘Cheese Please’ Omelette, The Sizzling Cheese Skillet, and even, believe it or not, Cheese Soup, not to mention their fried Mozzarella-stick sandwich weighing in at 1690 calories and 3330 mg of sodium – clearly a heart attack on a plate! Also, it goes without saying that cheese features in every burger, every sandwich and on the top of every salad. 

Heart attack on a plate!

The problem here (and this too relates to pizza) is that when cheese is a principal ingredient it had better be good cheese and, as previously discussed, in America the cheeses are as plastic and as artificial as the newsreaders. Now, for some strange and irrelevant reason and nothing to do with food, Denny’s commercials also boast that ‘minorities’ make up 62% of their total workforce and 41% of management – in other words the majority of Denny’s employees are minorities ... um?  - but assuming that these employees eat at Denny’s every day, does this not constitute a subtle but effective form of ethnic cleansing?

California - rogue State

I have mentioned before that the ‘4-way stop’ system works well and drivers are content to proceed in exactly the order that they arrive (and stop) at the intersection; a complete stop is required to clearly establish your position in sequence. However, if no cars are around then most drivers only slow down to a so-called ‘rolling stop’ which, in any language, has to be a contradiction in terms. Nevertheless, I had believed that the rolling stop was perfectly acceptable and legal in Texas until one quiet Saturday morning when I was stopped (yet again) by the police. This time a rather dapper local Constable sporting a Gloc 19 and YMCA moustache was kind enough to explain to me that there is no such thing as a ‘rolling stop’ in Texas and the only state in which you are ever likely to get away with it is California. 

Californian tree-huggers!

I found out afterwards that the ‘rolling stop’ is also called a ‘California stop’ but I was intrigued by the way the cop enunciated ‘California’; he revealed an obvious distain for that rogue state and its population of arty-farty-enviro-hippy-vegans. Spotting the opening, I was quick to agree that the term ‘rolling stop’ was oxymoronic at best and particularly when driving a car capable of ‘rolling’ at 187mph. I suspect he was unfamiliar with the word ‘oxymoronic’ because he seemed to take this as a friendly, conspiratorial, endorsement of his unspoken sentiments. Texas and Wales were therefore able to establish a common ground against ‘all them there west coast beatnik types’ and I was let off with another warning and the sincerest wish of, “Have a great day, y’all” (and indeed, after this close encounter, all of me did have a great day). 

14 Trillion US dollars!

When I last talked about the US National Debt I had no idea what 14 trillion dollars actually looked like and, more to the point, what such a debt really meant in layman’s terms. A friend of mine provided the following incite: If the US Government was a typical American family then it would be making $58,000 a year [apparently the current median household income in the USA], however, it would be spending $75,000 a year and already have a credit card debt of $327,000. Recognising this to be a serious problem, it would be promising to make BIG spending cuts and reduce its spending to $72,000 a year! Now, who in their right mind would regard this family as competent and credit worthy? For reasons I am sure are crystal clear to everyone, the S&P credit ratings range from the esteemed AAA rating, through AA+, AA, AA-, A+, A, A-, BBB+, BBB, BBB-, BB+, BB, BB-, B+, B, B-, CCC+, CCC, CCC-, CC, C, to the lowly D rating meaning “bankrupt”. Next to bankrupt, the C rating is defined as “in default with little prospect of recovery”. Obama demonstrated a ‘unique understanding’ of the issues when he expressed surprise that the USA credit rating was reduced from AAA to AA+. The other three hundred and twelve million, two hundred and seventy-eight thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine people in the USA were surprised it wasn’t reduced a lot further.

Who pays the most taxes?

While digging around in all this macro-economic mumbo-jumbo I discovered a few other interesting snippets of information. According to the USA National Taxpayers Union (NTU) and based on ‘adjusted gross income’ (whatever that is), the top 1% of earners in the USA (the very wealthiest) pay 38% of the taxes, the top 10% of earners (the fairly well off) pay 70% and the bottom 50% (just to be clear, that’s exactly one half) pay a miniscule 2.7% of the taxes. The majority of the poor mush-heads who are currently protesting in Wall Street don’t have jobs and don’t pay any taxes at all! By the way, have you noticed that America has the fattest poor people on the planet (regardless of how hard they don’t work)?

Great danish 'fat tax'!

At the opposite end of the ‘body mass index’ (BMI) scale, Denmark (renowned for fitness and healthy living) has introduced what is believed to be the world's first ‘fat tax’ - a surcharge on foods that are high in saturated fat. Fatty foods including butter, cheese and - wait for it - pizza and burgers (!) are now subject to an extra tax if they contain more than 2.3% saturated fat. The ‘great Danes’ are justifiably proud of their nation’s average BMI and want to keep it that way. In American terms, the Danish ‘fat tax’ amounts to $2.67 per pound of fat so the cost of a ‘fully-loaded’ American burger would be expected to increase by about $0.45 and an American pizza by about $1.05. There we have it - the instant solution to the USA debt crisis! Seriously – do the math(s).

If it don't fit it don't fly!

On the subject of excessive BMI, I had the misfortune to sit next to a ~400 lbs Latin American chap on the Continental cigar-tube flight to Toronto and it was a very warm, moist and unpleasant 3-hour experience. He suggested, at one point, that it may be more comfortable “for us” if we lifted the armrest between the seats – no way, José !! Now I don’t wish to be unkind; he was a very jovial, even likable, guy and we had a nice chat (after we had managed to synchronise our breathing) but I had paid a full price ticket for a whole seat and didn’t take kindly to sharing most of it with a cross between a Michelin Man and a bouncy castle. I am not necessarily suggesting that enormous guys should pay for two seats – that is entirely between them and the airline - but I do insist that I am entitled to use all of the seat for which I paid over $700. The following proposal may sound ridiculous but I am deadly serious: at every airport departure gate there is a metal box-frame to measure hand baggage – if it don’t fit in, it don’t go on. By exactly the same logic, there should be a second frame designed for measuring passengers’ butts. My complaint/suggestion letter to Continental remains unanswered. 

O'Donnell the flirtatious

Now this is something I never thought I would say, but I am actually warming to Piers Morgan and his CNN talk show, Piers Morgan Tonight. I previously described the show as banal and crass but now have to eat my words. There is no doubt that he is still ‘learning on the job’ but he is applying his ‘English’ arrogance and superciliousness to great effect with his American interviewees. A classic episode was his interview with Christine O’Donnell, a stereotypical, ultra-white-smiling bimbo who is running for office. Calling on the true spirit of the American ‘forgive and forget’ culture (aforementioned), she refused to answer any questions about her past. 

O'Donnell the witch!

Morgan thought this strange because her ‘colourful’ past was clearly documented in her new book that she was blatantly and relentlessly trying to plug (I counted 10 mentions of her book before I gave up counting). The issue that intrigued Morgan the most was her controversial stance on ‘same sex marriage’. The issue that intrigued me the most was her association with witchcraft and the occult! Then, as if by some sort of demonic possession (minus the revolving head and the pea soup), the whole nation witnessed her flirtatious, dazzling white smile transform to a dark, satanic sneer before she stormed off the set during the live interview. Obviously got the makings of a good politician then.

Liar, adulterer and thief!

Morgan also interviewed liar, adulterer, thief, and (now ex-) Governor Mark Sanford (once thought to be missing on the Appalachian trail) who may also be running for office. This was the guy who called for Clinton’s impeachment on the grounds of “reprehensible behaviour” before he himself was ‘censured’ on similar grounds, ha! ‘Censure’, by the way, is a silly American procedure for publically reprimanding someone for inappropriate behaviour but has no effect whatsoever on freedom, job or wallet; it’s a formal slap on the wrist and a “who’s a naughty boy then”. Sanford too wanted to play the American ‘forgive and forget’ card but Morgan had done his homework and quizzed him on his ‘disappearance’ and his ‘extramarital affairs’. In defence of the latter the sleaze-ball explained, (verbatim) “I think that, you know, fundamental to a woman, I’m not trying to be a chauvinist here, is a need for security whether it’s emotional or financial or a nest. And if she gets that, she’s happy and playful and encouraging and if she doesn’t get that she can be some other things.” Obviously got the makings of a good President then.

An 'intelligent' Dubya?

Still on the subject of Presidential candidates it seems like, dare I say it, a ‘more intelligent’ version of George Dubya is emerging from Texas in the form of Governor Rick Perry. Since he regards himself as a front-runner he has deliberately given Piers Morgan a very wide berth (to date) so you will have to make do with my observations:

• He claims to be a ‘real Texan’, is bow-legged and always wears cowboy boots. Some folk suggest this is clever ‘image management’ - I suspect he has a problem with laces.

• He has a Concealed Handgun License and, having once shot dead a coyote with a laser-sighted .380 Ruger while out jogging (!), he obviously has a talent as much for concealment as for shooting

• He is hyper-religious; almost on a par with the wacko, Camping. He firmly believes in ‘biblical inerrancy’ when even Benny the Pope and the Archie Bish are not that daft.

• He recently orcastrated (spelling intentional) a day of prayer and fasting at Reliant Stadium “like that described in the book of Joel” (obviously this had obviously nothing to do with the launching of his Presidential campaign obviously).

Perry's rain dancing!

• He also coordinated several days of ‘prayers for rain’ in Texas in the very early days of the recent drought (I always thought Indians did that not cowboys) and the drought that followed was the worst in recorded history; he didn’t try again. Sorry, Indians are no longer Indians, they are now politically correct ‘Native Americans’ (but cowboys are still cowboys, believe me!).

• Regardless of his rain dancing, he does not believe that climate change is anthropogenic and believes climate science is “a contrived phony mess” - better keep on praying then buddy!

• He supports ‘Castle Law’ (the right to shoot dead intruders in your home, office or vee-hicle) and in the death penalty. The former avoids the tradition of holding prisoners on death row for 15 years before the lethal jab (kinda like I keep leftovers in the fridge for a week before throwing them away).

Traditional rain dancing!

• He introduced several new taxes in Texas including a special tax on so-called Gentlemen’s Clubs (aka ‘strip joints’) and he is now convinced that he invented ‘pole tax’.

• He too writes books and is vain and narcissistic enough to believe that some people are actually interested enough to read them (almost as sad as guys who write blogs)

• He used to be a Boy Scout, an Eagle Scout, an A&M Cadet and flew a C-30 Hercules in the USA Air Force but, far more important in America, he married his childhood sweetheart and has nice hair and teeth.

• Obviously got the makings of a good President then.

Too fat for President?

New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie, a really likeable, family guy, was also considering running (or rather waddling) for President but he sparked a huge open debate on whether or not he was too fat! It was hilarious to see the American politically (over-)correct really struggling with their American political (over-)correctness when physical appearance clearly counts for so much. The USA hasn’t had a fat President since Willie Taft (1913), a bald President since Eisenhower (1953) and a bald, fat President ever! Now shallow-thinkers claim that Obama is being criticised because he is black (I hadn’t noticed) and with his ‘approval rating’ now hovering around 43%, they bleat on pathetically about 57% of Americans (and yours truly!) being racist and ‘redneck’. Maybe, just maybe, the debt, the economy, the unemployment, the war-mongering, the political ineptitude, the arrogance and the malignant narcissism have a little more to do with it. Sadly though, the same shallow-thinkers would have made sure that ‘fat Chris’ wouldn’t have had a snowball’s chance in hell. My new ‘butt measurement frame’ (patent pending) could equally well be used for Presidential candidate screening; maybe place it to one side of the TV debate stage. 

Rocket City Rednecks

When I was accused of being a ‘redneck’ I was not entirely sure I had been insulted (apparently Obama was equally confused when he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize). Even after extensive Google research and discussions with friends I am still not sure (maybe that proves someone’s point). I think I may have met a real, live redneck at IAH airport in the President’s Club: cowboy boots, plaid shirt, baseball cap with tattered peak, belt buckle and a pronounced Texan drawl. We had a brief chat over a beer, exchanged travel horror stories and then went our separate ways. Later at the departure gate I was people-watching and (ref. earlier story) casually appraising the size and weight of the people likely to be on my flight when I spotted a gormless, delinquent teenager wearing jeans deliberately pulled down to display a 6” swathe of his underpants. Why???!!!! I was just thinking, “what an idiot” and mentally selecting an appropriate adjective when, suddenly, someone behind me shouted, “Oi, you!!”, loud enough to attract the attention of all 300 people in the concourse each one thinking momentarily that they were the “you”. Then equally loudly, “Pull up your [bleep]ing jeans! You look like a [bleep]ing idiot!”. 600 eyes panned from my new redneck friend to the bleeping idiot (guilty as charged) who, flushed with embarrassment and timidity, followed his instructions to the letter to a huge round of applause! I like rednecks. 

Glimpse of '2 brass ones'!

To halt Obama-bashing just for a moment, I have to admit that there was a brief glimpse of ‘two brass ones’ when he ordered the assassination (some would say murder) of two American citizens on foreign soil without legal process, charge or trial. WOW, way to go, Barry! There was, of course, an immediate and predictable backlash from the namby-pamby do-gooders (most of them vegans) but, to be honest, one has to ask, would he have done this if the guys had looked like Justin Beaver and did not have wispy black beards? I am not so sure he would. What were we saying about appearances?

Canada's Justin Beaver

Nevertheless, I think recent history in Libya has dispelled any residual doubt over Obama’s original intentions there and with the subsequent rebel uprisings in the Nearer East, i.e. LondonEngland, Obama must have been itching to launch air attacks there too (just to protect the poor rebels of course; not to take out Liz and Dave). Thankfully he ran out of money.

Riots too close to home

Actually, when applied to the riots in LondonEngland, the term ‘rebel’ is far too generous. To paraphrase the words of a new virtual friend, what I really meant to say was ‘underclass of welfare-dependent, drug-addled, criminal scum, with no principles, no backbone, no knowledge, no intelligence and with a stunted feral view of the world that has self-inflicted a moral and mental disablement, a direct product of an entitlement culture that rewards idleness, encourages victimhood and compensates delinquents and criminals’. I feel better now. 

Dixon of Dock Green

But really, if ever there had been a case to call a curfew and send in the army to squash these disgusting parasites then this had to be it, but good ol’ Blighty sent in its sorry bunch of ‘Dixon of Dock Green’ cops who were not allowed to raise a finger, let alone a baton, to these vermin for fear of the media crying, “police brutality” and “human rights.” The whole thing kicked-off because the police shot dead a delinquent who was pointing a loaded gun straight at them and this “inflamed local sensitivities”, seemingly the worst crime you can commit in the UK nowadays! Sometimes it’s just plain embarrassing to be British. Remember the Los Angeles riots of the ‘90s – the UK could learn a lot from the USA on riot control even though Dave refuses to believe it.

Don't ask don't smell!

On a lighter note but still on the subject of ridiculous, politically (over-)correct, local sensitivity, the US marines have just been banned from “practising loud flatulence” in Afghanistan for fear of upsetting the Afghans (yes, seriously!). One marine objected on the grounds of this being the only fun they ever have there! I suppose, when you invade a country, it’s really best not to upset anyone before, depending on your orders, you either save their sorry lives or kill them. I wonder how long it will be before the US government introduces a ‘don’t ask, don’t smell’ policy. (sorry) 

Any - teen role-model!

Talking about British embarrassments (and moral and mental disablement now I come to think of it), the news that crack-zombie and delinquent role model, Amy Whitehouse, had finally OD’ed came as little surprise and littler concern (albeit she died some four years after her dignity). Personally I think this was the best thing she ever did for society. Surprisingly though, no pictures of her body ever reached the papers or the internet; apparently she had never looked better. In stark contrast, Canada’s angelic, squeaky-clean Justin Beaver (aforementioned) is apparently now more influential in ‘social networking’ than Obama (that’s not hard) and the Dali Llama. He already has his first tattoo though so the writing is on the wall - I’ll give him 5 years max. 

Wacko's Doctor's trial

While we are talking about dead freaks and drug addicts, Wacko Jacko’s Doctor is being charged for doing the world a favour and putting Wacko out of everyone’s misery. Another fascinating trial by American primetime TV. In connection with the trial, Wacko’s elder brother, Germ Jackson (member of the ‘Jackson 4’), was asked by Piers Morgan if he thought there was a real case for murder or manslaughter. His reply: - “As I wrote in my book, ..... ” I switched channels. 

Intelligent life anywhere?

Lastly, when we were talking about the space program in my last letter, I forgot to mention that the telephone area code for Brevard County, Florida, where the Space Shuttles used to take off, is ‘321’. This is not by chance; the area code was traded with Chicago back in 1999 – I thought that was kinda cool and you would want to know. And still on the subject of space, regardless of the ignominious ending of the NASA orbiter programme, there was still a glimmer of excitement in the American media when it was announced that astronomers in Chile had discovered 50 new ‘exoplanets’ or so-called ‘super-earths’ some of which may actually have intelligent life ... obviously nothing like this one then.

Have a great fall, y'all!