Letter from America IX - August 2011

What went wrong?

Well, I guess we are all still here! At one point the wacko, Camping was thought to have ‘raptured’ [a word I had to look up in the OED: the Rapture N. Amer. (according to some millenarian teaching) the transporting of believers to heaven at the second coming of Christ] but it turned out that he was just not answering his phone. Indeed 18:00 on 21st May went off without a bang (so to speak) and the thousands of ‘believers’ had to admit that prophesy and biblical math(s) were not exactly Camping’s strongest subjects (strangely, still failing to admit that they all may be a tad lacking in other departments). The details of this hilarious (non-)event only became apparent afterwards:

• numerous small businesses were set up to look after the pets of those expecting to be ‘raptured’ (for a substantial, non-refundable fee of course)

• numerous websites were set up to send out farewell letters to friends and relations left behind (for a substantial, non-refundable fee of course)

Raptured !!!

• numerous jobs were quit and many bridges burned when ex-bosses were told a few last minute ‘home truths’

• numerous cars and houses were sold off quickly at less than half market price to liquidate cash for last minute pilgrimages, holidays and parties

• one ‘believer’ actually dumped his wife to spend his remaining days on earth with his mistress (failing to see the inconsistency in his logic) 

By the way, Camping’s next ‘end of the world’ is 21st October 2011. He is sure this time. His ‘followers’ are again lining up to embarrass themselves and the wiser infidels are devising even smarter means of separating the fools from their money and laughing all the way to the bank. I can’t wait!

Incontrovertible proof!

Realising that religion is always a delicate subject, it still has to be said that there are far too many Camping-type wackos in the USA. Flicking through the 500+ TV channels will uncover countless maniacal preachers all ranting hysterically and insisting that their message is the only message – far from the sober but dignified ‘Songs of Praise’ enjoyed of a Sunday evening back in Blighty. But religious ‘teachings’ go much further here. I collect crystals and fossils and the pride of my collection is a rare cluster of four Trilobites, 480 million years old. 

The origin of species!

Imagine my amazement when I read recently that, despite incontrovertible proof of evolution, creationism, in its various forms, is still taught in schools throughout the USA – OK, but wait for it - in science classes! Don’t get me wrong, I believe everybody is entitled to their own beliefs and I sincerely respect the beliefs of others (I actually subscribe to Christian values - even eight of the ten commandments) but beliefs are surely best debated in divinity classes not taught as ‘gospel truth’ in science classes. Consequently and unsurprisingly, only 40% (!) of Americans actually believe in evolution and Darwinism compared to 80% in UK! I read in a parallel article that the USA is significantly lagging behind in ‘global science competitiveness’ ... um?

Start of an 'awesome' era!

Having said that, what the USA achieved in space was truly ‘awesome’ (a word I still reserve for things that are, well, truly awesome). It was a very emotional day in Houston when the Space Shuttle Atlantis returned from space for the last time bringing to a close America’s 30-year orbiter programme. A sad day for science. 

End of an 'awesome' era!

I will never forget watching the Apollo moon landing as a kid but it took a degree in physics  some years later for me to fully appreciate just how awesome that awesomeness was. The USA has every right to feel supremely proud of its “giant leap for mankind” and the many smaller but significant steps that followed but, sadly, most Americans seem to have lost interest. Regrettably, the International Space Station is now to be left in the hands of the Ruskies – let’s just hope they don’t break anything. 

Innocent as sin!

But reverting to the subject of incontrovertible proof, the USA’s ‘un-justice system’ has just suffered another OJ Simpson-style catastrophe. There was never a shadow of a doubt in anyone’s mind that Casey Anthony was guilty of the most heinous infanticide but therein lay the problem. I say “in anyone’s mind” because, unlike in the UK where no cameras or electronic devices whatsoever are allowed in courtrooms (hence only artists’ sketches may be shown in the media), in the USA the entire courtroom drama is broadcast live on primetime TV! What’s more, in the USA, there are no laws against the defence or the jurors profiting from selling their stories. Now, if the verdict is fair and predictable then nobody stands to gain a penny but, if the verdict is controversial, then members of the jury (some struggling to survive on minimum wage) each stand to make 5-figure sums (and it only takes one juror to obstruct the unanimity necessary for conviction). Furthermore, the media interest and public bloodlust goad the prosecution into shooting for Murder-1 and the death penalty (the trophy conviction) rather than the lesser charge of manslaughter and life imprisonment and that raises the stakes considerably. Anyway, to cut the 3-year-long story short, Casey Anthony was found not guilty and has been released to become an instant millionairess. Shame she will have to spend the first $100k on plastic surgery for facial reconstruction (there are a whole lot of mad people with guns out there).

No bodies found?

On the subject of inappropriate TV coverage we were recently treated to the live spectacle of a massive police search operation including helicopters, CSI trucks, sniffer dogs and 15 car loads of police in Liberty County, Texas. The police had been informed of the whereabouts of 30 dismembered bodies – but, wait for it - by a psychic! The psychic had gained credibility because she had been able to describe the inside of a house that she had never entered and such insight was obviously attributable to psychic powers rather than ... err ... windows! Needless to say the tip-off turned out to be false; no dismembered bodies (or fairies) were discovered at the foot of the garden so all the police returned to do what they should have been doing all along. The psychic is now being sued for fraud and wasting police time! Who is dumber here, the psychic, the police who believed her, the prosecution who think they can sue her or yours truly for watching the fiasco in the first place?

Willie and Kate in Canada

Willie and Kate’s visit to Canada and the USA went off without a hitch though choosing to fly British Airways was a royal gamble (I returned my gold card to BA in tiny pieces 18 months ago after their pompous cabin crew’s strike action over Xmas revealed what they really think of their customers - a pathetic, but nevertheless satisfying, waste of a stamp). But anyway, BA delivered, thousands of Americans lined the streets to waggle flags at the happy couple and fun was had by all. 

Upside down!!

However, an issue I forgot to mention during the Royal wedding, at least 50% of the Union Jacks were waggling upside down – the sign of great national distress. 

The right way up!!

I suppose this goes some way to substantiate the laws of probability but here follows an educational moment for all Americans: please waggle the flag with widest white diagonal stripe top left next to the flagpole! Luckily the ‘star strangled banner’, the maple leaf and the glorious Welsh dragon are more difficult to get wrong.

The cunning of the Irish!

Obama’s visit to the UK also went off without a hitch until the FBI’s meticulously planned security measures went off the rails and the presidential limo (known as ‘the beast’) got stuck on an Irish bump. Oh the cunning of the Irish! 

"Which fork Ma'am?"

The two highlights of the visit were stark in contrast: the State Banquet hosted by The Queen at Bucking-Ham Palace, LondonEngland (where Obama and his Missus were faced with a bewildering array of cutlery and challenged to eat with fork and knife simultaneously) and the barbeque hosted by Dave at Number 10, Downing Street, LondonEngland (relaxed enjoyment so contrived it was painful to watch). 

English BBQ at No. 10!

What better way to torture an American than to subject him to a real English barbeque! Obama was made to flip burnt burgers (bought from Asda, judging by their size) on a portable tabletop barbeque (the diameter of which was less than an average American pizza), while in true British tradition, Shelly was relegated to female salad duty. 

Wive's BBQ salad duty!

Then there was a choreographed game of ping pong where new-best-mates Dave and Barry, symbolically playing on the same side in doubles, invented a strange form of aerial greeting as Dave struggled with British convention and continually tried to shake Barry’s celebratory ‘high-fives’. Though well-intended the whole exercise only served to demonstrate just how different these two chum(p)s are. 

The 'gay' Greek Guard!

One thing that the USA and the UK can share though, is the growing concern over what is happening in the Eurozone and the potential global ramifications should Greece default on its debt repayment. But, why did anyone honestly believe that the Greek government could be trusted to behave responsibly? They are Greek! More to the point, why on earth was Greece allowed to join the Eurozone in the first place? It seems like somehow the whole concept of the Eurozone was confused with the song contest! What does Greece contribute to the European community? - the worst kind of cheap package holidays, ‘Retsina’ the most hideous wine on the planet, greasy, oily food like moussaka, souvlaki, taramasalata, hummus and stuff that, for some unknown reason, has to be wrapped in vine leaves. Their national guard were the comical inspiration behind Monty Python’s ‘Ministry of Silly Walks’ and, apart from them, their only tourist attraction is a pile of ancient ruins. Hardly surprising that ruination turns out to be their national forte. A thought crossed my mind though, if Greece is booted out of the Eurozone, as I believe it should be, and sadly, the rest of the world is deprived of hummus and taramasalata - does that constitute a double dip recession? (sorry)

US National Debt!

One thing that the UK and Greece can share though, is the growing concern over what is happening in the USA and the potential global ramifications should the USA default on its debt repayment. But, why did anyone honesty believe that Obama ........

United States National Debt currently stands at $14.3 trillion (98.6% of 2010 GDP) and will probably have exceeded GDP by the time you read this letter. But to whom does the United States owe all this money? I did a little research into this and it turns out to be quite interesting. A large portion of the dept is ‘internal’ (aka ‘smoke and mirrors’) and predictably China and Japan are the major foreign creditors but the USA also owes Blighty about $512 billion (!) and OPEC about the same. Wait a minute, OPEC? - doesn't that mean the USA owes Iran, Iraq and Libya a whole bunch of cash not to mention Gabon, Nigeria and the so-called 'least developed' country of Angola ... um?

US National debt ceiling?

Anyway, since writing this chapter a last minute deal was struck to raise the debt ceiling (yet again) sending a clear message to credit card holders across the world: if you can’t pay off your bills each month then simply get your limit raised and borrow more; its much more important to look good and remain popular (oh, and promise not to spend as much in future). I found it comical that it took so much soul-searching and debate to come up with such an inspired master plan when all Obama had to do was seek the advice of any teenage girl in a shoe shop.

FIFA - corrupt as football!

With governments committing huge sums of money (that they don’t have) to tackle the world's most pressing problems, from the instability of financial markets to climate change and poverty, corruption still remains an obstacle to progress. Has anybody noticed that the most corrupt regimes run either by madmen, despots or both, if not ending with ‘stan’, end with the letter ‘A’ (Libya, Syria, Korea, Nigeria, Somalia, Venezuela, FIFA). A passing thought - what hope does this hold for countries that begin and end with the letter ‘A’? 

FIFA has been in the news a lot lately and all for the wrong reasons. Why does it surprise anybody that a ‘sport’ based fundamentally on cheating and the ability to con the referee should be governed by anyone of higher moral standards? Amusingly though, all US news bulletins start the same way:  “The world governing body of soccer, FIFA, ...”  ... um? 

US Women's Soccer Team

Though men’s soccer clearly lacks popularity over here, the FIFA Women’s World Cup really captured the public’s imagination. But this is not football as we know it. The game is played with equivalent skill and style but also fairly and honesty, with respect and politeness (words that have never before been used in the same sentence as football). It was a pleasure to watch and, refreshingly, unlike the Braindead-Beckhams and the Loony-Rooneys, the players interviewed pitchside were literate and intelligent and had a lot more to say than “we shudda won”, “we was wobbed” and “the lads played great.”  Just a shame the girls don’t suffer from the same primitive urge to rip off their shirts after scoring a goal ;-)  Anyway, as I am sure you all know, the USA team reached the final and really “shudda won” but lost on penalties to the Japanese. I am not entirely sure that the entire Japanese team were entirely female, but nevertheless, as a friend of mine put it, if there is any country that deserves a boost this year then it’s Japan – so a disappointing but appropriate outcome. Apparently, the Tweeter traffic during the match broke all world records even when compared with the death of Osama Bin Liner - 7196 twits per second! 

Harper Seven - poor kid!!

By the way, California reports that Braindead-Beckham and Splosh have popped out a fourth baby and named her ‘Harper Seven’ – reconfirming my suspicion that Braindead can’t count and saddling the poor kid with a lifetime of ridicule (kinda like having your wife’s misspelled name, “Vihctoria” tattooed in Hindi on your arm). Unless, of course, there was a mix-up at the Christening when Braindead chose precisely the wrong moment to ask the time - poor kid was only minutes away from being named 'Twennyfive Twait'! 

Hasta la vista, baby!

Also in California, the infamous Governator, Arny Schwarzenegger has confessed to fathering a child with his live-in housekeeper more than a decade ago – I guess we all now know where the expression “Hasta la vista, baby!” came from.

16 lb 1oz Texan baby!!

And still on the subject of unfortunate babies, a woman in Longview, Texas has just broken records with the birth of a ‘real Texan’ baby weighing in at 16 lbs 1 oz (see pic). Ouch! .... Hey, where did Arny go?

The GEICO Neanderthal

We have already talked about soccer and football but at the opposite end of the sporting-sophistication-spectrum we have all just enjoyed the true Britishness and the champagne-strawberries-and-creaminess of the Wimbledon Lawn Tennis Championship. Isn’t it nice to watch an intelligent sport without a single tattoo? Even though there hasn’t been a Brit in the men’s final in my lifetime (!) the Brits struggle on every year armed only with their misguided optimism. Refreshingly, televised tennis only allows one commercial to be shown in the 60 seconds between games so the cost and hence the ‘quality’ of the commercials is high (can you tell I’m becoming a connoisseur?). One GEICO commercial actually featured Billy Jean King with the, now famous, GEICO Neanderthal (though many thought the latter was actually Britain’s Andy Murray).

Britain's Andy Murray

GEICO obviously invested a small fortune in this brief, 60 seconds of airtime – Billy Jean King certainly doesn’t come cheap and Neanderthals are difficult to find these days (most of them being gainfully employed as Continental baggage handlers).

The second largest bookstore in the USA, Borders has just announced that it is going into liquidation. The 40-year-old retailer with 400 shops and 11,000 employees finally threw in the towel and acknowledged that it had failed to keep up with modern times. This became apparent when, at a Board meeting, all the Directors admitted to reading books on iPads and Kindles. Many think that this is another blow to language and literature and I am inclined to agree. 

Modern language or (c)rap?

As if America has not already done enough damage to the English language, I read recently that American school kids are now being allowed to study Rap lyrics instead of (not as well as) classical poetry and literature. Though I hated every minute of Shakespeare at school, at least I grew up to rite and talk proper. I suppose the argument is, when you leave school, if you can’t get a job at McDonald’s, can’t sing, can’t dance, can’t play an instrument and can’t talk proper then you can always dress up like an idiot and join a rap band. Yeah, bro’ cos it’s well real to do tha’ thing innit though. So much for iambic pentameter! 

Airport timewasting

I have just returned from a business trip that covered 10 countries in 14 days (even my credit card company thought that was ridiculous and so helpfully blocked my cards). The trip included the Middle East and the dry countries of Saudi Arabia and Kuwait so consequently I am now on a serious retox diet (and this time I’m sticking to it). One of the worst things about long-haul business travel (apart from jet-lag, headache, tiredness, insomnia, nausea, muscle-pain, constipation and diarrhea) is the time wasted at airports. Over the years I have become an expert at whiling away countless hours of my life during lengthy stopovers. Basically the technique is to ration and pace the ‘excitement’ – go to the lounge - wait ten minutes – have a drink – wait ten minutes – wander around 2 shops – wait ten minutes – have a shoeshine – wait ten minutes – visit 2 more shops – I think you get the picture (if you could have shoes shined one at a time for half price then that would help). To alleviate the boredom and add a little more interest to the lounge experience, Continental have just introduced a ‘wine tasting challenge’. For $10 you get to sample three premium wines each standing on inverted coasters concealing their identities. There is a Cabernet Sauvignon, a Pinot Noir and a Merlot so to anyone who knows the slightest thing about wine, this is kinda like saying “can you spot the white one?” but, guess what, if you wait ten minutes between each one, then hey, that’s another half hour wasted!

"Big Cabs"

By the way, the American love of 'cool' abbreviation, to which I have referred several times previously, does extend to wine and even in the most expensive of restaurants. I was once asked in Masraff’s if I would like a ‘Big Cab’ and naturally assumed that the waiter was referring to my party’s transport home. It turns out that 'Cab’ is the cool American abbreviation of 'Cabernet Sauvignon' and 'Big' is the cool American abbreviation of 'robust, full-bodied, well-rounded and outrageously over-priced but I'm guessing you guys are on expenses'.

Houston Coffee and Cars

Houston’s ‘Coffee and Cars’ is an informal gathering of car owners and enthusiasts that takes place on the first Saturday of each month. Usually over 500 cars turn up - sports cars, racing cars, supercars, vintage cars, custom cars and, unfortunately, muscle cars. Proud owners relish the opportunity to meet and talk cars with like-minded folk and of course to show off and pose with their vee-hicles (a talent, it has to be said, I have perfected over the years). Several thousand spectators enjoy the event. The rules are simple – no excessive revving, no burn-outs, no peel-outs, no drag racing – and behave yourself or the event will be shut down. 

Corvette moron!!

Unfortunately the event has already had to be re-located three times due to a few muscle-brained morons breaking the rules, endangering spectators and the incriminating footage ending up on Facetube – it goes without saying that, every time, the perp. was a Corvette driver!

Mexican roof-rack transport!

I have mentioned before the crazy things you see on the roads over here but take a look at this photo taken from a friend’s vee-hicle on the way back from lunch. The 6ft x 6ft x 1” sheet of chipboard has no ties or restraints whatsoever – only the driver (!) and the passenger are holding the sheet in place. Though I found this amusing at the time, upon later reflection, I felt quite guilty for not stopping these imbeciles. This could easily have killed a pedestrian (if there were any in Houston), decapitated a motorcyclist (who typically don’t wear helmets here), or worse still, seriously dented an iconic British supercar! By the way, check out the driver’s arm (as if you were ever in any doubt!). 

Weiner - just too easy!

Well, I guess that’s about all for now. I am signing off from the Sheraton in Bahrain where I’m trying hopelessly to un-lag my jets before meetings in Saudi tomorrow (nice shiny shoes though). It was 100 degF in Houston before I left and now its 110 degF here; if I am not ‘Raptured’ in October and end up in hell, I'm not sure I’ll notice the difference. 

PS. I could have had a field day with the ‘wienergram’ story where a (now ex-) Congressman by the name of Anthony Weiner (!) posted pictures of his wiener on tweeter but that would have been just far too easy!