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| Buc-ee's billboard |
Buc-ee’s is a chain of highway service stations famous for having spotlessly clean restrooms (toilets) so travellers, particularly females, will carefully plan long journeys around Buc-ee’s ‘pit-stops’. With distances being much greater over here, roadside billboards count down the miles - see pic - “Only 262 miles to Buc-ee’s. You can hold it!” (now why did I drink that 40oz diet coke?)
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| Buc-ee's famous jerky! |
Also famous at Buc-ee’s is a very impressive range of jerky (strips of dried meat - the original cowboy fast food). Variations include beef, bison, boar, venison, even the amusingly named ‘turkey jerky’ and the foreign traveller is encouraged to sample each. Jerky however, unlike wine, does not really lend itself to sampling. It requires very strong teeth and takes a lot of time, saliva and jaw-power to consume. When the overenthusiastic server, eager to please a Brit, asked me “Good Huh? You don’t like it? You do like it?” I realised that my facial expression was probably alternating between exaggerated smile and painful grimace as I strained to masticate the life and flavour back into the samples in the limited time available. I eventually settled for the ‘peppered venison’, quite delicious, but my jaw muscles ached for hours afterwards. What’s more the jerky generates an insatiable thirst so, two bottles of water later, it’s back to looking for billboards, the vicious circle complete.
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| Sausage Egg McMuffin |
While on the subject of convenience foods, I suspect that I am finally succumbing to American influence. I have to admit, against all of my principles, that the ‘Sausage, Egg and Cheese McMuffin’ fresh from the (dare I say it) McDonald’s drive-thru (!) makes a very cheap, convenient and tasty breakfast in transit. Fortunately, you can order by number so you don’t have to suffer the indignity and embarrassment of saying “McMuffin” out loud. Unfortunately, the ‘Sausage, Egg and Cheese McMuffin’ is listed as ‘Number 2’ on the menu board so the request has to be very carefully phrased! However, don’t try to order a small drink to wash it down. The latest McDonald’s ad. campaign offers “any size of drink for $1” and therefore the girls taking the intercom orders refuse to believe that you really (really) only want a small one (remember, I don’t have cup holders in the Aston).
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| Any size drink for $1! |
I suggested that they put a small drink in a large cup if it made them feel happier but they didn’t seem at all sure that it would (and by that time the cars in the queue behind were beginning to lose patience). Regardless of the lengthy intercom debate, I paid the $1 for my tea and then progressed to the delivery window where, you guessed it, a different girl handed me an enormous cup that could only safely be managed with two hands. The same debate started anew, this time face to face, but realising that my ‘Number 2’ was cooling rapidly and with the same drivers behind now even more impatient, I gave up trying to redress McAmerican logic and let it go. About a pint of tea was eventually left in a pool beside the road and the cardboard bucket disposed of more thoughtfully some time later.
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| Final Four weekend 2011 |
‘Final Four Weekend’ is the culmination of the USA College Basketball season and this year it coincided, in Houston, with the Shell Open Golf Tournament; there was, consequently, not a single hotel room nor restaurant table to be had anywhere in the city. The final games were played in Reliant Stadium (usually an American Football venue) filled to it’s 75,000 capacity while 15.4 million viewers watched at home (how do they know that?). The game must have looked like a battle of ants on a postage stamp to most of the spectators in such a big arena but the enormous TV screens saved the day. The Connecticut ‘Huskies’ beat the Butler ‘Bulldogs’ 53-41 in a dogfight (apparently) that was declared afterwards to be the worst final of all time (Americans like higher scores). One thing struck me about basketball though – nothing ever happens in the middle of the court! There is frantic action at one end and then everybody lollops down to the other end for some frantic action there, then they all lollop back again. Why not remove the middle bit of the court and then there would be more time and opportunity to shoot the goals that everybody enjoys? Just a thought.
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| Shell Houston Open |
Anyway, the Houston Shell Open failed to attract many of the stars it had hoped so America’s Phil Michelson had a ‘walk in the park’ to victory. Predictably, a Shell ‘big cheese’ made the trophy presentation while pretending the event was ‘a gift’ to Houston, entirely altruistic and had absolutely nothing to do with public relations and advertising (as he stood in front of a 30ft high Shell Pecten made entirely from red and yellow flowers (see pic). I suspect Houston would have preferred a box of chocolates.
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| Silly 3D television! |
The only reason I would ever consider buying a silly 3D television and sitting on the sofa wearing Elvis Costello glasses is to see Obama’s nose grow. The most blatant lies ever to be broadcast with a straight face in front of the ‘star strangled banner’ had to be Obama’s ‘this-isn’t-really-a-war-against-Gaddafi’ speech to the Nation (not that US Presidents have particularly good track records). The event had to be carefully scheduled not to clash with the highly-rated ‘Dancing with the Stars’, the American rip-off of the UK’s ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ - so let’s get our priorities right! Obviously the WMD ruse was not going to work twice so what excuse could he use this time to bomb Libya and take out Gaddafi – a sudden, heart-warming concern for a handful of civilians and ragtag rebels! Doesn’t it make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?
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| Barack Pinocchio Obama! |
How many people does Obama think he can con with this ridiculous rhetoric? Oh dear, I think I know the answer – remember my first epistle - the same millions who are apparently dumb, gullible and naïve enough to believe the inane TV commercials I suppose. But there is a fundamental problem here - their votes count just as much as yours and mine and, when you add their numbers to the number of anti-’Arab’ warmongers in the USA, they have a clear majority. I was so infuriated to be treated like a complete idiot by Obama that I felt an overwhelming urge to beat the TV screen with the sole of my slipper.
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| Julian Assange |
By the way, has it not dawned on Obama that this sort of blatant disingenuousness only incites and inspires the likes of Julian Assange and further serves to strengthen his cause? Having said that, the UK’s Cameron, who still thinks the Libyans have a miracle cure for cancer, and the UN are no better - since writing this chapter, the UK and UN aligned with Obama - ‘permission accomplished’ I guess. Hey guys, any thought of an exit strategy??
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| Piers 'supercilious' Morgan |
I have mentioned before that Americans love an English ‘acsayent’ but if you can combine that with a generous portion of English arrogance and season it well with a good sprinkle of English superciliousness you stand a very good chance of hosting your own TV chat-show. Larry King was a much loved US chat-show host, probably on a par with the UK’s Parkinson and maybe even Frost, so, when he retired recently, who did they choose to replace him? You wont believe this - Piers Morgan! Good grief!!
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| World's worst comb-over! |
Though Morgan’s CV does include some mediocre media references, he only really made his name (and fortune) as the obnoxious judge on ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ and subsequently in the American equivalent, you guessed it, ‘America’s Got Talent’. He then went on to win America’s ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ by impressing chairman, Donald ‘world’s worst comb-over’ Trump ... need I go on? Anyway, his chat-show is so crass and banal it is cringe-worthy and I can’t bear to watch. Ironically, and unknown to many over here, Morgan’s successful Englishness is actually affected; he is in fact Irish and changed his name from O’Meara.
By the way, Donald ‘world’s worst comb-over’ Trump is considering running for President ... no, I am serious!! (only in America!)
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| Radio Shack handguns! |
I have mused previously about how easy it is to get a handgun in the USA but this story really takes the biscuit. Radio Shack, a well known electronics store, is giving away free handguns with every purchase of a satellite dish (see pic)! This takes the British concept of putting small plastic toys in breakfast cereal boxes to a whole new level. It may have made sense to the Radio Shack Sales and Marketing Team but, a factor obviously overlooked, is that the abysmal quality of American commercial TV (now made only worse by Piers ‘English’ Morgan) is enough to make any intelligent person think of suicide and having a gun readily at hand might not be such a good idea (and it will take a whole lot of Oprah to sort that out).
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| American 'biscuits' |
By the way, ‘biscuits’ over here are more like unsweetened scones and are eaten, not for high tea with jam and cream, but rather for breakfast with a gooey white gravy that looks and tastes like wallpaper paste.
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| American 'cowpat' cookies |
They should not to be confused with ‘cookies’ that are very large, soft, undercooked biscuits poured to resemble cowpats (but quite delicious cowpats nevertheless). Furthermore, so-called 'English muffins' are neither English nor muffin and 'pancakes' (not to be confused with 'crepes') are actually and factually cakes cooked in pans! They are usually more than 3/4 inch thick and impossible to order in towers of less than four. The word ‘pancake’ is not recognised in the American dictionary as a singular noun.
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| American 'pancakes' |
By the way, in an attempt to add some taste and appeal to the wallpaper paste, some restaurants add sausage crumbs – a very effective way of making wallpaper paste taste like ... err ... wallpaper paste and sausage crumbs.
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| Harrah's Casino, 'Nawlins' |
Though all the old western films portray cowboys in saloons drinking whiskey and playing poker, gambling is actually illegal in Texas (somewhat surprising in view of the more dubious vices that are legal). There is however a strengthening political campaign to reverse the ruling. I listened to a spoof radio bulletin one morning where the Governor of Louisiana was thanking Texas for donating it’s Horse Racing industry, a gift worth billions of dollars, and for the Texan support of all the hotels and casinos near the Texas/Louisiana border. The billions of Texan dollars pouring into Louisiana was much appreciated and was financing many schools and development projects as well as helping to keep Louisiana State taxes low. “Thanks y’all for being such kind, generous neighbours!”. I suspect that things will soon have to change and folk will once again be allowed to play ‘Texas hold ’em poker’, the most popular version of the game, in Texas.
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| DWI Defense Attorneys! |
I have mentioned before how Lawyers in the USA line up unashamedly to take full advantage of peoples misery but I was amazed to see that Defence Lawyers specialising in DWI (driving while intoxicated) defence are allowed to advertise their services in restaurants, bars and nightclubs, normally in the restrooms (see pic) and normally posted unavoidably 12” from your face while conducting the essential business. The message is clear - “Don’t worry. Have another drink. If you get caught, we’ll get you off. Brahms and List DWI Defence Attorneys, proudly serving the greater Houston area” ... um?
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| Cockney rhyming slang |
By the way, every British reader will recognise ‘Brahms and List’ as Cockney Rhyming Slang. It will probably come as no surprise that Cockney Rhyming Slang is unheard of, let alone understood, in the USA and proves to be very difficult, if not impossible, to explain without it sounding, well, just plain daft. I think the only words/phrases of CRS I ever use without thinking are “on me Todd”, “butchers”, “syrup” and “whistle” though I suspect there may be more. Even though the words and phrases are never understood, the most reaction you are ever likely to get is a quizzical expression; rarely is the meaning questioned. For American readers - here is a link to one of many CRS translation websites: CRS.
When you are on your Todd, cast your minces over that. You wont Adam and Eve it! [translation: Todd > Todd Sloan = own, minces > mince pies = eyes, Adam and Eve = believe] ... I guess it is pretty daft, huh?
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| 'The Iceman' Liddell |
I have mentioned before the pure brutality of Mixed Martial Arts cage fighting but, surprisingly, some of the fighters appear to be quite intelligent when interviewed ringside. Others are not. When Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell was asked recently “What kinda state were you in after surviving the four rounds with the undisputed light heavyweight champion?” he replied “Err ... err ... Utah, I think? Yeah, Utah”.
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| Skymall golf club! |
The infamous Skymall Magazine has really outdone itself this time. I quote: “A golf driver with a built-in grass trimmer, ideal for surreptitiously improving one's lie. A simple flick of a button opens the club's bottom to reveal a single-string trimmer. Requiring only the semblance of a square stance and proper grip for operation, two thumb buttons built into the handle activate the trimmer for a quick clearing of obstructive grass”. (see pic) Maybe this is just what Tiger Woods needs to return to form (not to imply that he would cheat on anyone of course).
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| DHS advisory system! |
The US Department of Homeland Security has finally aborted it’s ridiculous Advisory System, a colour-coded terrorism threat-level indicator, ill-conceived as a knee-jerk reaction to 9-11. The code had been stuck on ‘orange’ since 2006 because nobody dared change it – downgrade to ‘yellow’ and folk would become complacent – upgrade to ‘red’ and folk would panic. The ‘orange’ message to travellers was silly anyway – be VERY careful but not too careful because, if you are too careful, you might not have enough extra carefulness left if the code changes to red ... um?
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| Bone-in filet mignon! |
In my first epistle I may have implied that the Red Prime Steakhouse in OKC purveyed the best steak on the planet – if so I was wrong. Though difficult to believe, Mahogany in Tulsa is even better! Their 10 oz bone-in fillet mignon defies belief. It is rubbed and seasoned with a secret mixture and then flash-seared in a special oven at 1000 degF (!) before being roasted-off in butter and rested normally. Stunningly succulent and delicious and reconfirming my ambition never to eat in a European so-called ‘steakhouse’ again.
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| 17th Floor trash chute! |
It can be very satisfying disposing of ‘trash’ down a metal ‘trash chute’ 17 floors high particularly if the trash is made up largely of empty wine bottles and beer cans (as mine usually is) and you ‘inadvertently’ leave the bag untied ;-) Possibly not quite so satisfying for the tenants in closest proximity to the chute on the 16 floors beneath. Importantly though, remember in which hand you are holding your car keys! The noise is not quite so satisfying when you realise that it is one more jangle than it should be. Luckily I was able to retrieve the keys from the hopper in the basement before the compactor kicked in (with the aid of a hook on a broom handle) but I lived on the adrenaline surge for hours afterwards (and, FYI, jumping up and down in an elevator does not speed up the descent).
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| Taylor and Wacko Jacko |
Liz Taylor has finally ‘popped her clogs’ and shares in lipstick and cosmetic companies as well as plastic surgeries and divorce attorneys have plummeted. Why can’t people grow old gracefully over here? There is something deeply disturbing about a 79 year old woman, nipped, tucked, implanted, botoxed and then dressed up and made up like a teenager. I guess one way to enjoy later life is to have a smile permanently sewed on - small wonder she was mates with Wacko Jacko! With the strict rules in the USA about trash disposal and burning of plastic it comes as no surprise that all these ex-celebs have to opt for burial.
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| Captain James T. Berk! |
On the subject of growing old (dis)gracefully, there are few sci-fi TV series that unintentionally develop a worldwide cult-following lasting over 40 years but that hasn’t stopped Star Trek’s Captain James T. Kirk (William Shatner) from making a complete arse of himself everyday on commercial TV. He has completely abandoned his fan-base and any residual dignity he may have had as an ex- Federation Starship Commander and has boldly gone where no blithering idiot has gone before. I am not sure if Shatner is still lusting for limelight or money or both but it feels like part of my childhood has been betrayed. Good for cheap hotels though (if you like that sort of thing).
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| The Royal Wedding |
Apparently most of the USA (outside Texas) eventually cottoned on to the Royal wedding when it was realised that there was a great opportunity to make a fortune from selling tacky souvenirs. When the official guest list was published, the Obamas resigned themselves to a day watching television and suffering the irony of the real Mr. Bean (Rowan Atkinson) being invited. There had been a slight chance that either the local butcher, postman, pub landlord or the Indian couple who run the local convenience store in ‘Buckle-Berry, Bark-Shire, England’ would fall ill and free up a place at the table for the P of the USA but that didn’t happen. The event was broadcast live on every US news channel but very few Americans stumbled out of bed at ‘Oh-God hundred hours’ to watch it live (it’s not just the Air Traffic Controllers who like their sleep over here). The event caught me at a conference just outside Houston so I set my alarm for 03:00 and watched it in the hotel lobby with the good company of a few British friends and a bottle of Moët.
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| Wedding 'merchandise' |
The US news commentators seemed completely overwhelmed by the spectacle and the British pomp and circumstance and consequently ran out of superlatives only half an hour into the three hour program. Fortuitously, the tedious commercial breaks would have allowed ample time for them to consult their thesauri. Piers Morgan (commentating for CNN) repeatedly embarrassed himself by not knowing any of the immediate Royal Family by name but even he was dismayed when his American counterpart referred to the ‘wedding breakfast’ at ‘Bucking-Ham Palace’ as an ‘all you can eat buffet’. We had to suffer the bathos of commercials for “Bagster, the dumpster in a bag!” and “Colon Health – probiotic and fibre!” (now with $5 off by the way) either side of the wedding vows in the church service (!) but I refused to let even that distract from the compelling atmosphere. I don’t consider myself to be an avid royalist or a softy, romanticist but, as a Brit abroad, I don’t mind admitting, I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.
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| Nailed the bastard!!! |
Another news item that demanded 24 hour coverage on every US news channel came only a few days later. I can’t imagine what would have happened if the events had clashed - a media meltdown on a par with Fukushima? Nevertheless, the news that Osama Bin Liner had finally been found, assassinated and fed to the fishes by the US Navy Seals was welcome news to all. Great job Seals! I can’t wait for the movie! One point that I should clarify though - despite what Obama may have implied with his unashamedly, self-praising speech to the Nation, it was not actually him and Hillary (or the Governator of California for that matter) who roped down from the helicopters dressed in black but some REAL heroes who unfortunately have to remain anonymous. Obama remained safe in the Whitehouse watching it on tele. while trying to decide who to bomb next with his new-found humanitarian concern for Arab civilians and rebels. If we were allowed to gamble here, I would say “Place your bets! - Egypt, Syria, Bahrain, Oman, Iran, Lebanon, Yemen?”
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| Pseudo-religious Wacko! |
I’ll sign off now but, apparently, you will never get to read this. More than 2000 billboards across the USA are adorned with slogans proclaiming the world will end on Saturday, 21st May 2011, at 18:00 to be precise! A pseudo-religious wacko (one of far too many in the USA) by the name of Harold Camping who makes programmes in 48 languages and boasts tens of thousands of (gullible) followers across the globe, claims to have developed a system that uses mathematics to interpret prophesies hidden in the Bible.
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| World will end 21/05/11! |
He says the world will end on 21st May because that will be 722,500 days from 1st April AD33, which he believes was the day of the Crucifixion and the figure of 722,500 is important because you get it by multiplying three holy numbers (5, 10 and 17) together twice! Oh dear, here we go again, this is becoming a mantra - How can so many people be so dumb?! If I had the time and energy I would phone each and every one of these idiots at 18:05 just to tell them what I’m having for dinner – I assume they won't have bought anything in!
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| ..... or will it? |
I wonder if the Department of Homeland Security will upgrade their threat level to ‘red’?!
Good luck in heaven y’all. I fear I may be going to the other place.
