Letter from America VII - March 2011

Madmen in the media!

Sadly, I am writing this letter as millions of Americans fret and grieve over recent news of a human disaster of unprecedented scale though many would say, if not predictable, it was inevitable. The internet and social networking tools like tweeter and face-tube, along with the 24hr news coverage on Fox and CNN, ensure nobody in the USA misses one pitiful, grisly detail of the saga as it unfolds. Many think the world will never be the same again. The trouble is, I have absolutely no idea who Charlie Sheen is. 

The Queens of England!

Anyway, forty Heads of State from around the world and both Queens of England (i.e. Elizabeth II and Elton John) are getting really excited as the Royal wedding approaches but there is still a distinct lack of excitement over here. Obama and his Missus are checking the door mat every morning for that special envelope with gold embossed crown in amongst the mountains of junk mail that arrive daily in the USA (another curse of the commercial society) but, so far, in vain.

The uninvited

The Obamas are proclaiming emphatically that this is not a snub; they don’t expect to be invited because of the increased level of security that would be required. Obviously the security at a Royal wedding in the UK with 40 heads of state will be hopelessly inadequate ...um? Maybe Willie and Kate are ignoring British wedding tradition and are actually inviting people they like rather than people they should. By the way, Braindead-Beckham and Posh have gotten their invitations whereas Sarkozy, Berlusconi (and Gaddafi) have not – QED maybe?

By the way, I have it on very good authority from a trusted source that, even in expat schools here, they are teaching intelligent kids of impressionable age that ‘gotten’ is actually a real word. 

Perry's 32oz pork chop!

Food! One of my favourite steakhouses in Houston is Perry’s in Memorial City but, strangely, they are not renowned for their steak but rather for their pork chop.  Advertised as ‘7 fingers thick’, this 32oz (yes, 2 lbs!) chunk of pig is brined, dried, marinated, seared, roasted, basted, slow-baked, glazed, rested and then carved tableside to provide a sumptuous feast for one (see pic). It has to be the most succulent, luscious, delicious pork I have ever tasted, and needless to say, the majority is carried home in a polystyrene container to serve as dinner for the rest of the week. Unfortunately the mouth-watering image of the chop, glistening sensuously in it’s glaze, continues to haunt me particularly when I’m hungry and rises to almost unbearable intensity the moment I set foot on a plane to the Middle East.

I have sometimes been accused of poor elocution as, like many Brits, I tend to drop my H’s, but the American pronunciation of the word ‘herb’ continues to intrigue me. Not particular herbs, though now I come to think about it, basil is pronounced ‘bayzil’, oregano is pronounced ‘o-REG-gano’  and coriander is pronounced ‘cilantro’, but the American pronunciation of the word ‘herb’ itself is just plain weird. It is not just a case of dropping the ‘h’ but also completely ignoring the ‘e’ - very difficult to explain in text but the word is actually pronounced ‘rb’ and a Brit can’t even begin to enunciate that. Most odd. 

Championship BBQ cook-off 

Still on the subject of food - in the run-up to the Houston Rodeo, Houston hosts the World Championship BBQ Cook-Off. Hundreds of professional competitors set up hospitality suites to serve copious quantities of beer and BBQ to invited, though largely anonymous, guests and ultimately to have their ribs, brisket and chops judged by a panel of experts. This is BBQ as good as it gets! Everybody is encouraged to turn out in western dress and to eat lots, drink lots and then dance the Texas Two-Step (and necessarily in that order). Rarely is there a chance for a Brit over the age of 6 to dress up in cowboy outfit so I took full advantage of the opportunity - Village People meet Brokeback Mountain! (and no, there isn’t a pic).

$300,000 BBQ truck!

Although there were many elaborate BBQ rigs at the Championship Cook-Off, by far the most impressive was one I encountered in Brenham, just north of Houston. A $300,000, 80ft, 18 wheeler BBQ truck almost guaranteed to feed an American family of four (see pic – amazing!).

Essential bonnet stripes!

Cars again. Any serious Mini owner will insist that a Mini has to have stripes on the bonnet (hood). My advice? - have them fitted professionally. I boast about my ability to apply plastic film to the screens of iPhones, iPads, laptops etc. - dead straight without trapped dust or bubbles (and taunt lesser able friends whose phones appear to be bubble-wrapped) - but bonnet stripes on a Mini are in a different league altogether. When I collected the stripes from the Mini dealer ($50 each, by the way!) I queried why they were sold individually (left and right) - why would anybody want to buy just one? The answer transpired to be me when I returned embarrassed the next day and me again when I returned embarrassed and exasperated a day later. The Houston heat and humiddidy conspired to turn what should have been a $100 dollar, 30 minute job into a $250, 3 day job. The first two applications could only be likened to sizzling American bacon on a griddle (and looked just about as appetising). The guy in the Mini spares department suggested I wait for the hood to cool down before trying again and when I commented that that might take a while, he agreed, “Yep, ‘bout December”. 

Corvette Stingray concept

The Houston Motor Show turned out to be very disappointing. Sure they had a few exotics (i.e. BMWs, Volvos, Mercedes) and of course a few ridiculously over-sized pick-ups that would have to stop every block to pick small children out of their tyre tread but certainly nothing to write home about. There was only one concept car – a Corvette Stingray - quite impressive but somewhat predictable (see pic). What I did find disturbing was the unveiling of a four-door Mini and a four-door Aston!! What is the world coming to?  I was dismayed when Porsche diluted their brand and image by producing an SUV and a four-door but never thought Mini and AML would succumb to the same market pressures. What will be next? A TVR people carrier? A Lotus pick-up? But anyway, what better way to waste 50 minutes of an otherwise perfectly good Sunday morning.

Lincoln pennies

Change of subject. There is currently speculation that the one cent coin known as the ‘penny’ (presumably after the British penny though I don’t know why) will soon be discontinued. Apart from having negligible spending power, each penny coin costs 1.7 pennies to make! Now, if the Americans are going to redress their coinage system, then why not do it properly? Why not make all the coins exactly the same size and exactly the same colour like the banknotes? Let’s give all those old folk and partially sighted a real hard time. I have been here for 15 months now and still resemble a Dickensian miser as I scrupulously inspect each note before handing it over. 

How much cash is here?

Have a look at the picture - how much cash is there? 

The answer is $129 (2 x $50, 1 x $20, 1 x $5, 1 x $2, 2 x $1). The $2 bill is indeed current currency (so to speak) but produced in such low quantity that novelty value prevails and Americans tend to hoard them rather than spend them. There is, apparently, no connection to the aforementioned ‘Two Buck Chuck’. 

Wait a minute - a thought just crossed my mind – if a penny costs 1.7 pennies to make, wont continued mass-production, slowly but surely, make all American money disappear  ... um?

Grammies red carpet

In the UK we are blessed because, probably on account of the time difference, we are only exposed to the highlights of the so-called ‘red carpet run-up’ to the ‘Grammies’ and ‘Oscars’. The full coverage is truly mind-numbing and stomach-turning in superficiality. Even though I was only half watching while preparing dinner, I am forced to admit that the frequent commercials were actually a refreshing break and a welcome return to some form of normality if not sanity. There has to be a limit to the number of “You look wonderful, Darling”s and “Who [not what] are you wearing, Darling?”s that any normal human being can bear. Also well worthy of exaggerated faux compliments were the silly ‘hair dos’, a subject I find even more difficult to get excited about when I am clearly resigned to a ‘hair dont’.  

Such charming ineptitude!

Though I do try hard, I can’t help but like Sarah Palin (I have to be careful when and where I admit that). Beware! - she is stereotypically attractive (known in the US as ‘the hottest Governor of the coldest state’), has shoulder length hair and very white teeth - that means she will go far in America and no folk can refudiate (sic) that. Never misunderestimate (sic) her illiteracy or her intelection (sic) - Shakespeare too invented words. Sure, she thinks her home state of Alaska borders with Russia but Alaska is a really big state and few people have been up to the top to have a look. She also thinks Alaska’s Kodiak island (isn’t that where the film comes from?) is the biggest island in the USA but you can’t see Hawaii from up there either so that don’t count. She believes that the USA is Allies with North Korea and at war with both Iraq and Iran but, there again, maybe they should be. Her depth and breadth of geo-political knowledge is greatly helped by the notes she scribbles on the palm of her hand (see pic) but, hey, that probably worked well for her in school exams. Surely the American populace would never elect to President a person of such charming ineptitude ... or would they? ... it may be ominous that she pronounces “Nucular” exactly the same way as good ol’ George Dubya! By the way, I suspect the only reason Dubya never wrote notes on the palm of his hand was for fear of waving at someone and giving away state secrets. 

Meddle East envoy!

While on the subject of females pretending to be politicians (and silly ‘hair dos’ too for that matter), Hilary Clinton has just jumped onto a plane to meddle in things she doesn’t understand in the Middle East. Is there anybody in USA less qualified or less appropriate? The only factor that might grant her a shred of credibility in that part of the  world would be her tolerating a husband that quite obviously favours polygamy.     

Bizarrely, there is a very good chance that Sarah and Hilary will go ‘toe-to-toe’ in the next presidential elections – I can’t wait!

While on the subject of voting, an example of at least one American’s attitude to voting was revealed in the run-up to the mid-term elections. Admittedly he was a ‘fisherman’ from New Orleans (pronounced “Nawlins” by the natives) interviewed in connection with the aftermath of the BP disaster. He intended to wait for the results of the straw polls and then vote for the leader “cos I ain’t gonna vote for no loser - that’s a complete waste of a vote!”. This completely stumped the interviewer and required a quick return to the studio and bounce to commercial break.

Accident imminent!

Over the past few months I have been observing the driving habits of Houstonians on the interstates and freeways and have come to the conclusion that drivers here don’t actually drive their vee-hicles they simply aim them. I estimate that 30% of drivers rarely use indicators, 15% are in ‘monster’ pick-ups that have 0-60 mph acceleration measured in seconds but 60-0 mph deceleration measured in minutes and are driving recklessly within stopping distance, 10% are on cell phones talking while 2% are on cell phones texting, 5% are smoking, 5% are drinking coffee, 3% are muscle-heads in muscle-cars, 3% are sideways-baseball-capped, dim-wits of ambiguous nationality, with one arm out of the window, driving over-tuned wrecks with deliberately noisy exhausts, 3% have the wrong sized wheels, and 3% are driving 15-30 year old cars held together only by rust, dirt and goodwill. Furthermore, statistics show 10% don’t have a valid license and 15% don’t have valid insurance. What’s worse, these attributes are not mutually exclusive. I brushed up on my laws of combined probability before my last trip to Vegas – basically less than 20% of drivers here are driving legally, competently and safely and over 80%, for varying reasons, are a danger to themselves and others. There is nothing amusing to say about that.

Skymall airport shoes!

The infamous Skymall magazine has come up with yet another wacky invention - velcro-fastened travelling businessmen’s shoes (see pic) to facilitate rapid removal at airport security checks. Has nobody here heard of slip-ons? But, never mind that, they miss the real point - what would be a really cool invention is a gadget to quickly remove the shoes from the guy in front of you.

Texas gun show!

The High Caliber Gun and Knife Show at the Lone Star Convention Center in Conroe, Texas was an extraordinary experience. Literally, hundreds of stalls selling tens of thousands of handguns, rifles, machine guns, ammo, knives etc. of every conceivable size, shape, make and caliber – even small, pink and pearl ones for the lady’s purse (some lady!). Even more diverse were the browsing public – business men and women, military, cowboys, Mafioso types, pierced, tattooed, camouflaged, aged anywhere between 3 and 93. The partial discussions I overheard as I browsed my way from table to table were priceless:

• a frail old lady of at least 70 was explaining that she needs a ‘point-n-shoot’ because the front sights of her guns (yes, plural) keep snagging in her pocket
• a gunsmith was referring a businessman to a tailor who could adjust the underarm cut of a suit jacket to better conceal a shoulder holster
• an elderly gent was explaining that he needs a wider grip because his rheumatism was worsening with age
• a father was suggesting the 'Gloc 19' was too heavy for his son, Troy who was only 8 years old

Beretta 92 Handgun

I was informed that US citizens require only a Texas drivers license to buy a gun but my being a ‘non-immigrant alien’ (the X-Files theme tune immediately came to mind) would require me to produce three months of utility bills and a Hunting License. I could easily demonstrate that I pay dutifully in Houston for electricity and the hot and warm running water but a hunting license? - maybe therein lay the catch. I envisaged a similar process to that of Scotland where I obtained my first shotgun license (i.e. 6-page application form, proof of ID, 6 weeks of background checks, 40 minute interview with two Police officers, home inspection to check out security, alarm system and gun safe, then 4 more weeks of checks) but no, to obtain a Texas Hunting License I would have to make a special trip, in person – wait for it – to Walmart! Anyway, that done, I am now the proud owner of a masterpiece of ballistic engineering, a 9mm Beretta 92 handgun (see pic) and, before you ask, I have no rational explanation for why (something to do with ‘when in Rome’ I guess).

Springtime in Texas

Anyway, that's about all for now, folks. Enjoy the rest of your spring, y'all, because summer approaches.