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| Merry Holidays! |
Sorry to have insulted y’all by wishing you a Merry Xmas – a faux pas unacceptable and unforgivable this side of the pond - I sincerely apologize. But anyway, the Holiday Season is upon us again and this is my pathetic excuse to save money on Holiday Cards, Holiday stamps and Holiday presents so ... Merry Holidays Everyone!!
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| Prince Willie and Kate |
The BIG news this time is undoubtedly the (lack of) excitement over the BIG news in the UK – the announcement of a forthcoming Royal Wedding. On 16th November, I woke up to BBC America’s news that the UK will soon have a new Princess who will ultimately become the new Queen of England, Great Britain and Commonwealth! Prince William had popped the proverbial question to ‘Kate the date’. After soaking up the excitement over my first cup of tea, I wondered how the American TV channels would report such sensational news so I switched over to CNN. Guess what – there’s a Sale on at Macy’s.
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| BP Congressional Hearing |
The BP disaster now seems long forgotten. The beaches are almost clean again, the deepwater drilling ‘moratorium’ has been lifted and oil companies can once again apply for permits ... um? ... isn’t it being ‘granted’ permits that matters? Anyway, everybody agrees that BP (no longer British Petroleum in the American media) should do the right thing and fully compensate the “small people” fairly and squarely for their loss of earnings. The “small people” episode was undoubtedly a(nother) major BP gaffe but the condescension has long been forgiven now that the oil has dispersed and the dollar bills soon will be. But how should BP determine how many dollar bills each small person deserves? Surely it’s very simple - please form an orderly queue (that’s a ‘line’ in native American) with your social security card and a copy of your 2009 tax return ... err ... is there a problem?
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| Congressional 'chairbat'! |
The ‘BP Congressional hearing’ turned out to be a shambolic showcase of American tele-politics and served only to satisfy the bloodlust of the voting public. Televised live in a courtroom environment, each Congressman was allowed exactly 5 minutes ‘personal time’ to insult and publically humiliate BP CEO, Tony Hayward. One congressman made Hayward stare at a picture of an oil-sodden pelican for his 5 minutes, several demanded his resignation and one seriously suggested he commit suicide. What’s more, the atmosphere of intimidation and torture was heightened by the choice of chairman, a frightening character more like a bat than a human being (see pic). I never thought I would say this but I actually felt sorry for Hayward, as did much of the US media, after an event all too easily analogized with the public stoning that was then due to take place in Iran.
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| Shellacked! |
Seems like the honeymoon period is over for Obama and he has suffered, in his own words, a huge “shellacking” in the mid-term elections. I had to look up “shellacking” in the OED and the definition was enlightening: shellac, shellack, verb. N. Amer. Informal, when a person has screwed up big time, the relentless act of retaliatory, personal, humiliation serving no purpose beyond political and self gratification (kinda like a Congressional Hearing). Well there you go then - I guess now, to contort two other sound-bites of presidential eloquence, the ‘boot is on the other neck‘ and someone else’s ‘butt has been kicked’.
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| The British fleet |
Anyway, change of subject, another iconic British car joins the fleet – this time a Mini Cooper S (with cup holders) acquired primarily for ‘the better half’ to get around Houston. OK, I know what you’re thinking ... reading between the lines ... DB9 ... 6 litre V12 ... 450hp ... 0-60 in 4.7 seconds ... stiletto heels ...um ? (Boy, am I in trouble now!) Anyway, the choice of car was based on three things:
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| The Italian Job |
1/. it being British of course (OK with a twist of German – but British in essence) 2/. it retaining some ‘character’ unlike a great many ‘reasonably priced’ cars nowadays designed by the same computer (including the latest BMW 3 Series, sadly) and 3/. my recently watching the original, Maurice Micklewhite (aka Michael Caine) version of the ‘The Italian Job’ on my iPad on the Continental Airways ‘cigar tube’ to Toronto – a film guaranteed to bring out the British in anyone British.
[By the way, I never learn – at the end of my first posting to Holland, I advertised my Jaguar XJ8 with all the details, stats. and specs. ending the ad with ”previous lady owner, indicators and mirrors hardly used”; I got hate mail for months.]
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| Continental cigar tube! |
The ‘cigar tube’ mentioned above is the Continental Embraer RJ145, probably the smallest passenger plane capable of 4 hour flight. My opinions of Continental Airways are, by now, well known, however, I do like the order in which they board passengers. First to be called forward are ‘serving military in uniform’ with Continental’s recognition and thanks for their valour (a nice touch), then First, Business and Elite Classes and then, and only then, the kids and old folk who invariably block the jetway like a cork in a bottle. This works well unless you have an aisle seat near the front of the tube. You then have to brave all the Cattle Class squeeeezing past, being kicked by every toddler in arms, wiped warmly and often moistly by every oversized gut or butt and whipped by the straps of every student and Australian backpack. Strangely, most Business Class travellers still prefer the aisle seats - presumably to make it more convenient to go to the restroom / bathroom (that’s toilet / nose powdery in English) and to get to their destination all of one step ahead of their window-seated neighbours. Even on larger planes with wider aisles, I prefer the window seats; if anybody is going to be kicked in the ‘wedding vegetables’ by a fellow passenger in a clumsy, semi-inebriated, attempt to climb over, I would much prefer to be the ‘kicker’ than the ‘kickee’.
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| Champps Americana |
On the subject of military, I recently met six soldiers in Champps Sports Bar (the only bar within British walking distance of my flat) - they picked up on my acsayent and wanted to chat. I found it amusing that they were old enough to fight and die for their country in the Middle East but still had to show photo ID before buying a beer back home. They had just returned from Iraq and it was going to take more than a few beers to lighten the mood.
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| Every one a hero! |
When I commented that it was great that the six of them still ‘hung out’ together, the sombre response was “we were eight” - any thoughts of a follow-up question evaporated. The mood eventually did lighten but I trod more cautiously. We compared notes on the Middle East and working in the desert and I soon realised that my wellsite experience in the deserts of Oman and Abu Dhabi had been ‘a walk in the park’. Regardless of what I thought about the Bush/Blair invasion of Iraq and the vanishing WMDs, these were good guys, genuine, sincere and every one a hero. Needless to say I picked up the tab.
By the way, what’s with the double P in Champps? Nobody over here seems to know and fewer seem to care.
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| An unwelcome visitor! |
Change of subject. I hate bugs (sic) - especially Texan bugs. In America bugs are six-legged creepy-crawlies (not James Bond listening devices) and unfortunately the cliché of everything being bigger in America holds true. One morning I stirred early and, as I glanced at the alarm clock, I semi-consciously registered the various shapes silhouetted in penumbra against the light coloured carpet beside my bed - my iPad, my reading specs., my glass of water and something else. As I dozed off again the ‘something else’ began to intrigue me – something else? - an ovoid shape about 2” by 1” - what would that be? The realisation then hit me like a lightening bolt. I’m not sure how I got to the far side of the room in the nanosecond that followed but it was probably via the ceiling. And, yes, the shape had moved.
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| Sigourney in Alien |
Now wide awake with adrenaline, I prepared for battle with my new ‘SkyMall Bug Vac’ (see pic), images of Sigourney Weaver flashing through my mind, and soon, after a disturbing rattle, buzz and then crackle, the enormous insect was sucked up and fried on the high voltage grid. However, knowing that cockroaches are expected to survive even nuclear holocausts, I was less than convinced that the critter was dead so I went out onto the balcony and waggled the Bug Vac up side down to discharge the beast.
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| Skymall 'Bug Vac' |
If it had been alive it would have had a sporting chance to spread its wings and fly away during the 17 floor descent – if it hadn’t been weighed down by the 24” plastic vacuum tube that decided to accompany it. D’oh!
Second only to bugs, I hate snakes – and especially Texan snakes. Twice now we have had snakes enter the office to terrorise staff (at least the expat staff). A summer intern was forced to climb on top of a filing cabinet on the last occasion to wave hands and make squeaking noises until the snake was removed. This was done almost nonchalantly by one of our workshop team with the aid of a broom handle restraining the head while all of us ‘would-be-alpha-males’ sported our ‘of course I could have done that’ expressions. The snake was probably harmless or at least non-venomous but still a very unwelcome visitor.
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| Milk or Coral Snake! |
It is very noticeable that every lawn, hedge and grass verge in Houston is trimmed immaculately. With the abundance of lawnmowers, ‘strimmers’ and hedge trimmers (aka Mexicans) this is not difficult to maintain but the objective is only partly aesthetic. Short grass apparently discourages snakes and creepy-crawlies from leaving the ‘jungle’ and, if they do, it makes them easier to spot. The deadliest snake in Texas is the Coral Snake (if you can have degrees of death, that is). Apparently it is easily recognised by it’s vivid red, black and yellow stripes but easily confused with the harmless Milk Snake that is easily recognised by its vivid yellow, red and black stripes ... um? Kids are taught a rhyme to differentiate - “Red on yella, kill a fella. Red on black safe as Jack.” (there’s that cheese again) or...wait a minute.... was it “black on yella kill a fella”? Whatever - one thing is certain - I wont be around to find out.
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| New Dyson car vac |
A few Saturdays ago I took advantage of the slightly cooler weather to wash and vacuum the cars. I drove the Aston up to ground level from the damp and dinginess of our underground car park to set about the task. I have mentioned before how much attention the DB9 attracts over here and, sure enough, within minutes, one of the elderly residents of Park Square came bounding energetically in my direction. “Oh My Gosh!” he exclaimed, grinning and waving his hands with almost childish excitement - what his eyes beheld had clearly brightened his day - “Is that the new Dyson Vacuum Cleaner?” He then insisted on a demonstration that required me to put soil from the nearby plants onto the newly cleaned mats just to vacuum it off again. He didn’t even seem to notice the AML logo (even when I vacuumed that part of the mat with particular emphasis) but he went away happy and well impressed. Obviously not a car buff then.
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| DeLoreans are rare? |
Still on the subject of cars, an American friend of mine is the justifiably proud owner of another masterpiece of British automotive engineering, a DeLorean. Remember ‘Back to the Future’? - yes, that’s the one. I had always thought DeLoreans were extremely rare (only 6000 were ever made) until I visited the DMC facility on the outskirts of Houston (see photo) - ten in a line!
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| Reverse or 5th? Oops! |
When the original factory in Northern Ireland closed down in 1982 a rich Texan bought the entire inventory and reopened the facility in Houston! I learned another thing about DeLoreans too - apparently 5th gear is very close to reverse gear on their presumably well-worn 1980’s gearboxes. This is clearly evidenced by the perfect DeLorean imprint in the side of the DMC facility! (see photo). Oops!
And still on the subject of cars (or vee-hicles at least) - they have stopped making Hummers – thank you Lord!
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| Lift handles up not out! |
Trader Joe’s is a traditional, down to earth, Grocery Store chain that’s gained the well deserved reputation for having a wide range of country fayre and also for being ‘very affordable’. Case in point - they are (in)famous for their $2 bottle of wine known endearingly as the ‘Two Buck Chuck’ (actually it is priced at only $1.99 but $2.15 once the irritating tax has been added). I’m not sure if ‘chuck’ has the same colloquial meaning in American and, if so, if the term refers to ‘chucking down’ or ‘chucking up’ (I suspect both). Surprisingly the wine comes in a real glass bottle with a real label and a real cork! Trader Joe’s also has paper bags with handles! Have a close look at the picture – the bags come with printed ‘user instructions’ for Americans unfamiliar with handles - “Lift up not out” - must take a while to get that right, huh? Nevertheless, the $2 wine, carried home in a bag with handles, is excellent value - I have tried it (once) and have to admit that it tastes every bit as good as a $4 bottle.
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| Oldest trick in the book? |
The handleless grocery bags still remain a mystery to me but I’m hesitant to tell the next story for fear of reflecting a very low IQ. My defence? – it was early morning. On the advice of a friend, I had tried out a new grocery store and my weekly groceries had been packed into two large handleless bags by an elderly Mexican gentleman who was then kind enough to hand me each bag, one on each arm clasped to by chest. Only in the car park did I realise that I had probably fallen for the oldest trick in the book and, not too far away, would be an elderly Mexican laughing up his breakfast burritos. How do I open the car boot without putting the bags down? ... wait a minute... how do I actually put the bags down? What’s more, the gallon tub of ice cream (yes, a gallon, this is America) clutched to my chest was changing attitude from cold, to numbing and was heading rapidly towards frostbite. I had to scuttle back to the trolley park (initial faux nonchalance quickly turning to panic) and rest the bags on top of a trolley to recover.
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| British Ambassadors! |
Susan Boyle (aka SuBo), Scottish spinster and singing sensation who almost won ‘Britain’s Got Talent’, is a major hit over here; Americans seem to think that she represents everything British (along with Piers Morgan and David Beckham apparently – good grief!) But, anyway, the amusing thing about SuBo is that every time she is interviewed on American TV they give her subtitles (and I noticed that the Scottish “aye” is translated into ‘American’ as “yes”!).
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| Chilean mining disaster |
The Chilean Mining incident featured prominently on American news and current affairs programs and the shrinks (sic) were lining up to offer opinions and sagely advice to those trapped. American shrinks, however, are not the bespectacled, elderly gents with grey hair and bowties that we are accustomed to in Blighty. They are all stereotypically attractive females in their late twenties / early thirties with white teeth and shoulder length hair just like the newsreaders; their sagely advice obviously drawing on their life experience of 6 whole years since college. Never have I heard so many different ways of stating the bleedin’ obvious and presumably getting paid for it. Having said that, I now begin to understand why so many Americans visit shrinks.
I know that it is sometimes easy to confuse the feeling of boredom with the feeling of hunger but does anybody really, honestly, like pretzels?
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| Fightin' Texas Aggie Band |
I’ve mentioned the ‘Super Bowl’ before but only recently did I get to (sic) experience my first live American football match....and what an experience it was! Texas A&M ‘Aggies’ were playing Nebraska ‘Cornhuskers’ on the A&M University campus north of Houston. But these guys don’t use their jumpers and anoraks for goalposts - the college stadium seats 90,000 (isn’t that the same as Wembley?). The festivities leading up to the evening kick-off started around midday with ‘tailgate’ hospitality where countless RVs (recreational vee-hicles - some literally the size of juggernauts), canopies and tents were set up to offer mouth-watering barbeque and beer to guests and guests of guests. Late afternoon the teams arrived and were escorted through the packed 5200 acre (21 square kilometre) campus (49,000 students attend Texas A&M) by the 400 man Fightin’ Texas Aggie Marching Band (who make Liz’s Coldstream Guards look like Boy Scouts). And eventually the game started. The atmosphere in the stadium could only be described as nuclear. A&M don’t have ‘cheer leaders’ instead they have so-called ‘yell leaders’, male officials who conduct the crowd in various chants and songs with coded hand signals. This means the songs can be sung in tune, in sync. and at normal tempo unlike the slurred dirge of British football hooligans all trying to grunt in time. The game was nothing short of electric and the Aggies won 9-6, against all the odds; my ears were ringing for days afterwards. The official attendance was 90,079 so I guess 79 didn’t have seats – not bad for a college sport!
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| Aggies baseball cap |
I bought an Aggies shirt and baseball cap for the event and, though I don’t normally like wearing baseball caps, (especially indoors as numerous Americans do – I’ve never understood why?) my hairstyle sometimes necessitates. Amusingly, when I wear the Aggies cap in town there is a good chance that a complete stranger will want to bump fists in recognition of alumni. I think this is great and am happy to respond though I don’t dare open my mouth.
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| The 'two buck' chuck! |
Anyway, notwithstanding the comments above, I hope y’all have a Very Merry Xmas and a Happy, Safe and Prosperous New Year.
Time for a 'Two Buck Chuck'?
