Letter from America V - July 2010

I ain't no pajama case!

My letters, I through IV, were all well received (by Americans and ‘foreigners’ alike) and provoked quite a series of witty ripostes. Retaliatory accusations of my being a ‘Limey, food and car snob’, ‘a Brit of questionable parentage’ (not in those particular words), ‘an unsavory (sic) blend of Bill Bryson, Jeremy Clarkson and Gordon Ramsay’ and, worst of all, ‘English’ were all well received this side of the pond even by a Welshman. I have learned one thing though – while one may pass comment on flag, country, lifestyle, cars, food, drink and even breasts, one had better steer well clear of pets! Several folk refused to believe that they harbored GM animals and insisted that the term ‘GM’ could only be applied to vegetables, particularly 'tomaydoes'. I must have missed the Animal Planet episode that showed the packs of wild Pekinese and Shih Tzus terrorizing the locals in China and the wild Terriers roaming the Yorkshire Dales and the Scottish Highlands (presumably along with the puddings and the haggis). But having said that, I stand corrected and will steer clear of pets (and pajamas cases) in future.

Front view of Aston

The BIG news is that the British (OK, now Indian) XKR has been replaced by the all-British, handmade, exquisite, masterpiece of automotive engineering (without cup holders) a DB9; a lifelong dream come true. Hey, 30 years in the oil field (and no kids) makes this more of a case of deserve than afford. The XKR was a super car by any standard but the DB9 is a supercar and the omission of that little space between super and car, not to mention the 6.0 liter, V12, 450 horsepower engine, blasts the car into a different league.

British V12 masterpiece!

Though I have had the car for only a few weeks I am amazed by how much attention and curiosity it attracts over here - it is always possible to read the eyes of female admirers - “Wow, that’s a beautiful car! ... Wow, it’s an Aston Martin ... Wow, it’s a DB9 ... Oh, it’s an old, bald guy."

Rear view from Aston!

The first picture shows the car from the front and the second picture shows the view through the rear windshield (sic) just before a long conversation with a nice police officer. Not a good picture I know but I was afraid that the camera might have been mistaken for a gun! Regardless, the cop approached from behind with hand on holster as I remembered to place both hands on the top of the steering wheel. I was let off with a warning for speeding and lack of front plate but unfortunately the Texas Department of Public Safety had failed to update their records so I was erroneously ‘ticketed’ for not having a valid license (apparently an offense beyond his discretion). I dread to think how many telephone calls, automatic robotic messages, irritating multi-tier menus, waiting music and call forwarding it will take to sort this one out. Also some systems here have voice recognition that requires verbal answers and refuse to understand a British accent – the last option is invariably ‘start over’ but I have to swallow my pride and try to say ‘staaar dover’ in order to be understood.

Insurance providers

It proved to be quite difficult to get insurance for the Aston. Even the cute little green lizard with the English accent refused to cooperate because 1/. the car didn’t feature on his database and 2/. I still don’t have a credit rating! I’m not sure why you need a credit rating when you have just bought an Aston but comments to that effect fell on deaf ears (if geckos have ears). Eventually that nice lady from Progressive waved her ‘quote gun’ and complied. I think those TV commercials are finally getting to me.

Wonderful European cheese!

Change of subject - Central Market has a wonderful selection of over 1000 cheeses but only three are actually American - Cheddar, Swiss and Jack. Truth be known, the Cheddar doesn’t really come from Cheddar (yes, Cheddar is the place in Blighty where real cheddar comes from), nor does the Swiss come from Swissland (sic) according to the shelf-stacker at least and Jack comes from Monterey in California. 

American 'cheese'!

Americans are on first name terms with their cheeses as well as their winds it would seem. The three American cheeses are available in suspiciously, geometrically-precise blocks, perfectly square slices or ready-grated and, for the real gourmets, any two of the three are available ‘grated in combo’. Perusing the informative label of the latter I discovered that the mixture could be used to sprinkle on salad (which is otherwise far too healthy of course) or to ‘enliven frozen pizza’; obviously not intended for serious cooking then - apart from maybe the popular American gastronomic delight ‘Mac and Cheese’ (there’s that abbreviation thing again). 

Braking, turning, both?

But back to cars. Why do American cars have red indicator lights? It doesn’t make any sense. It is impossible to tell if a car is intending to turn if the brakes are dabbed at the same time when slowing down or cornering or, as very often happens, when deciding to leave the freeway at the very last second and swerving across lanes of traffic and white lines to narrowly avoid the bumper barrier. I suspect that this may be why most Americans have given up using indicators altogether. Regardless of indicators (or lack thereof) it is often possible to predict when a large car or pick up is about to turn because they start off by swerving out in the opposite direction. This is not usually a deliberate ploy to confuse or frighten overtaking traffic (though very effective in that role) but is more intended to ensure the massive, cumbersome vehicles enter narrow roads and driveways at exactly 90 degrees without cutting corners, bumping kerbs or taking out gateposts.

Sheyla Hershey (38KKK)!

Further to my previous comments on the abundance of silicon in the USA, a resident of Houston by the name of Sheyla Hershey has been entered in the Guinness Book Of Records for the world’s largest breast implants sized at 38KKK (see pic – at this point male readers, if not already there, will migrate from e-mail to blog). This bimbo apparently speaks five languages -  Portuguese, Spanish, Italian, Chinese and English – a talent largely irrelevant since anybody standing close enough to chat wouldn’t be able to hear anything anyway.

Stone chips are ugly?

While on the subject of extra large bras - Americans like to fit so-called 'car bras'  to the front of their vee-hicles to prevent stone chips damaging the paintwork (see pic);  custom made thick vinyl covers with peep-holes for the lights. If the bras were designed by Victoria's Secret then that would be one thing but these are obviously straight from the geriatric department of Marks and Spencer. Those itsy-bitsy stone chips really make cars look ugly right? ...um?

Superbowl experience

I really enjoyed my first ‘Super Bowl’ experience (I had always thought it was ‘super ball’ until I googled it). Before the event I decided to put aside an hour to learn the rules of American Football but it took all of five minutes. It is a refreshingly simple game and very easy to follow. There are also plenty of referees to keep things under control – head referee, head linesman, line judge, umpire, back judge, side judge, and field judge (similar to the variety of police mentioned in my first epistle I guess). This probably explains why Americans don’t cheat at 'soccer' - they are used to very close surveillance - I’ll come back to this later.

Ubiquitous flat screens

Flat screen TVs are ubiquitous and pervasive in the States – situated in every corner of every house, every shop, every bar, every restaurant so not a single commercial is missed. Even offices - I think ZEiTECS must be the only office in Houston without one. The only people in the United States who are thus unable to watch the Super Bowl are the pizza delivery boys. By the way, thousands of extra pizza delivery boys are recruited for Super Bowl night and pizza has to be ordered months in advance.

Now Brits will find this really difficult to believe. Obviously the Super Bowl coverage is interrupted for TV commercials but the commercials are looked forward to, watched with fascination and enjoyment, applauded as much as ‘touch-downs’ and discussed afterwards probably as much as the highlights of the game itself. The commercials have actually become a welcome if not essential part of the Super Bowl experience. This really does say a lot about American society.

Fanny and Freddie

Change of subject - is anybody surprised that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac got themselves into deep water? If ever there was a calling for a PR / Branding Consultancy they had to be it!

Freddie and Fanny

The former conjures up an image of a plump woman in a floral frock, pinny and hair curlers handing out used dollar bills in wrinkled Walmart bags; Freddie Mack – an unshaven guy in a dirty rain coat sporting a flat cap with a fag-butt (oops.. cigarette stub) dangling from the edge of his mouth. Who would ever want to ‘buy a debt’ from these guys?

Nice car! Let's spoil it!

When I bought the Jag last year I paid $400 insurance against door dings – all dings, scratches, key marks etc. would be repaired free of charge. Over time, the side panels of my car in the Netherlands developed the texture of a golf ball. Sadly many Dutch have little respect for others’ property and I am convinced that several of the larger dings were deliberate – nice car, let’s spoil it. That just doesn’t happen in the USA; I owned the Jag for 18 months without a single ding. Americans do have respect for others’ property and the parking spaces here are at least 30% wider than those in Europe. They have to be for two reasons. Not only are the cars and pick-ups much wider here but so too ('on average' I should say to be technically ‘C’ though maybe not ‘PC’) are the butts (sic) that have to wriggle out. Put it this way, only in America is it advised to unload passengers before measuring tire (sic) pressure.

Governator of California

There is currently speculation that the self-confessed anabolic steroid junkie, Arnold Schwarzenegger, ‘Governator’ of California (if the expression ‘only in America’ hadn’t been invented it would have to be now) may return to show business! Some folk, it seems, think he actually left show business. Presumably the fear is that if he quits the ‘Governatorship’, that well known politician, Silvester Stallone will take over. The saving grace is that Arny is not eligible to become President of the United States on account of him not being born in the USA (‘kinda like Obama’ some would say) and him talking funny. 

In restaurants every waiter and waitress introduces themselves in the same manner: “Hi. My name is Bradley and I’m going to be your server this evening. How is everybody today?” A fun trick is to get in first with “Hi. My name is Neil and I’m the guy you’re going to be serving this evening. How are you today?” This usually results in a stunned silence while the standard opening is mentally reconstructed or, on one occasion, a confused look and the silent offer of a hand to shake.

"I was tripped, Ref!"

Americans don’t have a single popular sport that involves a significant amount of kicking apart from maybe ‘mixed martial arts’ and ‘cage fighting’. I have never understood why American football is actually called football. Nevertheless, the USA managed to hold England, the inventors of football (or of soccer at least) to a 1-1 draw and went on to match them in the Group rankings of the World Cup! Wonderful! Moreover, nobody had told the Americans that the game of soccer centers entirely around the ability to cheat the referee (and then complain emphatically when he makes a bad decision); it is essential to the spirit of the game that both sides appeal for possession when the ball goes out of play and diving and rolling around in theatrical agony is mandatory to wrongly secure a foul or penalty or to get an opponent sent off. If America had been told how the game is really played they most certainly would have beaten England ‘at their own game’.

World Cup Group C

The fact is that England doesn’t have a credible football team anymore – two reasons – 1/. English club football relies entirely on foreign players so when it comes to international competition they all go home (I have never understood why so many ‘fanatics’ still support their ‘local team’) and  2/. every Group Winner in the World Cup had domestic management; Argentina had Madonna, Germany - Loew, Netherlands - van Marwijk, Spain - del Bosque, Uruguay - Tabarez, Brazil – Dunga; even the USA somehow managed to find an all-American manager, Bob Bradley. England though had imported Capello, an Italian traitor who speaks-a da not-sa good-a English. Come on England - what is the World Cup meant to be all about?

USA 'Soccer' team

During the World Cup, I enjoyed a lot of time explaining the rules of ‘soccer’ to my American friends (though my British friends will tell you that I am no expert on the matter). Predictably, the offside rule proved to be the most difficult to explain but, once understood, was agreed by all to be profoundly unfair and probably explained why they often had to sit through 90 minutes of play without a single goal. It proved to be even more difficult to explain the difference between Welsh and English (this required several maps sketched on napkins) and this became increasingly important as the England performance went from terrible to worse. During the Germany-England game one of my ‘coachees’ leapt to his feet and shouted “Nice point!!” I explained that it was a nice ‘goal’ so the guy countered with “How many points is that worth then?” Somewhat bemused, I admitted ‘one’ to which he replied “Well there you go then.” I returned to my beer.

There is another sporting World Cup of course – the so-called ‘World Series’ of baseball – the Americans ensure that they always win that by not letting anyone else play.

Of the numerous viral emails that followed England’s ignominious exit from the World Cup, the two witticisms I found most amusing (with credit to unknown source):

England's Robert Green

• On one of the days off between matches the England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa, "its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.
• Robert Green [England Goal Keeper] was the only man to leave Africa without catching anything.

Say, "NO!" to racism! 

At the start of many games the captains each read out a paragraph denouncing racism while a banner with “say no to racism” was held proudly for all to see. 

Senator Robert C. Byrd!

Bizarrely, at exactly the same time, the flags across America were flying at half mast to mourn the passing of the much loved, Senator Robert C. Byrd, whose previous titles include ‘Kleagle’ (the recruiter) and ‘Exalted Cyclops’ (the Highest Officer) of – wait for it – the Klu Klux Klan. I mentioned ‘forgive and forget’ in my third letter but come on now!

Remaining on the sporting theme and on a retaliatory note, Northern Ireland’s, Graeme McDowell won the PGA USA Open Golf Tournament and England’s Justin Rose (the rose being England’s national emblem of course) won the PGA AT&T Golf tournament, 1 of 3 Brits contending against 87 Americans – wait for it - on July 4th. Ha!

July 4th Celebrations

The July 4th Celebrations were much lower key than I had expected but we all got a day off to wonder about what we were going to do. The highlight of the day was the fireworks display over Downtown viewed from my apartment balcony. I had to venture out onto the balcony because the copious quantity of condensation on the OUTSIDE of my windows renders the vista invisible between April and November. I love my air conditioner! The fireworks were sponsored by Shell and set to music ‘simulcasted’ (a new word to me) on TV. Whenever Shell was mentioned (and this is difficult to explain in text) the word Shell was pronounced with a lingering reverence, fondness and affection implying ‘nice company, good company (not like BP)’. 

Old "British Petroleum"!

The BP disaster cast a huge shadow over the USA and the oil business in general and there is nothing the slightest bit amusing to say about that. Interesting though that the company name BP was changed back to ‘British Petroleum’ in all the US media coverage, the old company name of almost a decade ago. I don’t think this reflected ‘anti-British’ sentiment as much as ‘lucky it was somebody else’s fault’ sentiment.

Every effort was being made to clean up the spill before June 1st because, apparently, that is the ‘official start of the hurricane season’. I’m not sure what is done to ensure that the winds respect that start date – it must be something to do with being on first name terms I guess.

Huge collegiate ring!

An American trait that I do find quite endearing is the strong, life-long allegiance to one’s high school and college. Even those who elect not to wear a wedding band will proudly sport an enormous collegiate ring (a deadly weapon in any fist fight). Also Friday evenings are spent with pizza and popcorn watching high school and university sports on TV. I can’t imagine rushing home with fish and chips to watch St. Bartholomew’s Grammar School play footie.

Well, that’s about all folks. You may have noticed that my letters are becoming less frequent. This may be a sign that I am slowly becoming assimilated – hope not. Have a great summer. Bye y’all.