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| Triskaidekaphobia! |
Many Brits would have expected Letter XIII to follow Letter XII based on a logic and convention learned pre-school. Not in Texas and many parts of the USA though. As is typical of regions harbouring a disproportionate number of 'born-agains and evangelicals', superstition is prevalent here and triskaidekaphobia is more common than common sense. I feared that if I had headed this epistle, "Letter from America XIII" few folk here would have read it. [triskaidekaphobia, by the way, for the uninitiated, is the irrational fear of the number 13] There is no 13th floor in my apartment building (see pic) so my previous claims to live on the 17th floor turn out to be false; in fact I live on the 16th floor or, in British terms, the 15th floor since Americans don't have a ground floor and start counting their floors from there. Confused? Many are, so if I chance upon residents of the 14th floor in the lift I am quite happy to remind them that they are actually alighting on the 13th floor and, if I were them, I would find that a tad disconcerting (how to win friends and influence people). They insist that they don't really mind but I can tell that they do.
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| Triskaidekaphobia! |
Every high-rise building in Houston bows to this stupidity. American airlines too. Most have opted to omit the 13th row of seats (see pic) and this too includes airlines that must serve US airports. British Airways of course does not subscribe to this unnecessary nonsense (I mean customer service, not triskaidekaphobia) so, when I have to fly with BA, I am happy to select row 13K (window) to maximise the chance of the adjacent seat remaining vacant. Window seats in BA business class also face backwards - how reckless is that? - presumably catering for people who prefer to dwell on where they have been rather than where they are going. English rugby fans come to mind. More on that later ;-)
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| The Houston of old |
Headline News - Houston found dead on Sunday! ... err ... isn't it always? Apart from coincidental names, the cheap options to segue the next topic from my previous rants are numerous. 1/. Another delinquent pop idol overdoses on a cocktail of drugs, 2/. Another delinquent pop idol dies some five years after her dignity, 3/. Another welcome distraction from the 24/7 TV news coverage of the Republican nominations. But a more generous segue would relate to the American National Anthem. In stark contrast to mega-mouth Tyler's recent abomination, aforementioned, Whitney Houston is credited for one of the best Super Bowl renditions ever. If you haven't heard it then click here: Houston then wipe a tear from your eye. This almost makes me want to be American (repeat, almost).Indeed, the (un)timely death of Whitney Houston on the eve of the 'Grammys' (that otherwise mind-numbingly tedious event where 'pop stars' award each other meaningless trophies and then make cringe-worthy, in-eloquent speeches to an inane audience smiling and clapping to disguise their envy) was, surprisingly, a surprise to her fans but of little consequence to the rest of us.
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| The "crack is wack" Houston |
After it became apparent that Houston thought the term 'Class A drugs' referred to the 'societal class' for which drugs were acceptable and her hazy, slurred proclamation on live TV that "crack is wack" (i.e. she only does 'class' drugs), her 'high days' were numbered. But the segue options don't stop there. The funeral service was held in a (normally) all-black Gospel church and what a service it was! In many respects it rivaled the Grammys - in terms of its length, its tedium and the characters attending - the same superficial aesthetes, many still suffering from 'post dramatic dress disorder' after the Grammys, who for some unknown reason, have to say "mwa!" when they deliberately avoid kissing each other. But Gospel it certainly was! I fully expected Aykroyd and Belushi to come tumbling down the aisle. By the way, I wonder if they will put Houston's Doctor in the same cell as Wacko's.
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| Houston's National Anthem |
After my last letter and my open admission to loving the American National Anthem and all that it stands for, there was a suggestion that England's National Anthem "knocks the spots off" America's - huh? They probably meant stars, but since the sentiments stemmed fundamentally from patriotism, a quality I obviously admire, I will not contest. But wait a minute; yes I will. Firstly, England does not have a National Anthem! The famous wee ditty, "God save the Queen" is the UK's National Anthem that the English 'highjack' when they need something to sing before international sports events. "Swing low sweet chariot" wouldn't quite cut the mustard at international events (especially with the hand gestures). Every other Nation of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland has their own National Anthem (even the humble Principality of Wales) but not England.
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| Welsh Nation Anthem |
What's more, whereas the National Anthems of the USA and Wales are flamboyant, emotive and uplifting, with plenty of scope to add personal interpretation and flare, that of the UK is positively funereal. An outdated dirge, it lends itself best to the one-fingered piano player or recorder lessons at primary school and, at worst, to the semi-inebriated, slurred groans of football hooligans. It is almost impossible to sing with any emotion (if you discount discordant yelling) even if you do take the liberty of singing, "da-da, da-da," before, "Send her victorious." Compare that to the Welsh, "Gwlad!! Gwald!!" or the American, "And the rockets red glare!! The bombs bursting in air!!" And, if you are still in any doubt, listen to Whitney again (or Wales' Katherine Jenkins) - 'nuff said!
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| "I'm so in love with me" |
It turns out that Obama has quite a good singing voice too! During a recent speech he actually burst into song with Al Green's "Let's stay together" - "I'm, .. I'm so in love with you" (although he clearly meant "me"). Then, on one of his walkabouts, he joined in with B.B. King and a R&B band to sing "Sweet Home Chicago", much to the surprise and delight of his entourage. I have to admit that he pulled it off very well but, in so doing, unwittingly (or maybe not) laid down a gauntlet. Now which hapless buffoon would pick it up? Step up to the mic, Nat King Romney, not to be outdone. For someone, by own admission, so "severely conservative" this was not his best move. His incongruous rendition of "America the Beautiful" was not beautiful at all but, obviously tone deaf, he struggled through to the bitter end; it was almost as embarrassing and cringe-worthy as mega-mouth Tyler's National Anthem. I need to listen to Whitney again to purge the memory.
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| Media propaganda! |
There was recently a very unfortunate shooting incident in Florida, in which a neighborhood-watch guy, Zimmerman, spotted 'a suspicious looking hoodie', Trayvon Martin (now a household name), followed him and then after a violent altercation, shot him dead 'in self defense'. The case has yet to fully run its course but Zimmerman, under Florida state law, was released without charge. With hundreds of gun-crime incidents in the USA every day, this case would normally have gone unnoticed (in fact it did for over a month) but unfortunately it turned out that the 'hoodie' was black and the neighborhood-watch guy was significantly paler (not exactly pink but much paler than black, kinda like Tiger Wood's forehead). The incident then became 'racist' and that was sufficient excuse for thousands of generic 'activists', with nothing better to do, to become active. Activists remember need to be actively active to call themselves activists and the activity and active cause are largely irrelevant. There were hundreds of 'hoodie rallies' all over the States and, although several of those interviewed had no idea what they were rallying about ("What do we want? ... err ... err ... When do we want it? Now!"), the general outcry was one of racial stereotyping and profiling. The overly sympathetic (and very, very nervous) media were then keen to promote Martin as an angelic, almost cherubic, teenager and stirred the rallying dim-wits into a frenzy of hate and bloodlust, so much so that Obama had to step in to quieten things down. But what words of Presidential wisdom could Obama offer to allay the fear of racism and calm the masses? "If I had a son he'd look like Trayvon." ... oh dear. Next time you want to burst into song, Barry, try David Bowie's "Putting out the fire with gasoline."
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| The real 6'2" Martin |
But anyway, it transpired that the media propaganda had fooled everyone, including Obama (who has since shut-up). The cherubic photo of Martin, beside Zimmerman, portrayed as a virtual convict (see pic), was several years old. Since the photo, Martin had grown up (as little kids tend to do), acquired an impressive row of gold front teeth (known in gang jargon as a 'grill') and had been 'inked' with several large tattoos. His facetube and tweeter photos were more up-to-date and revealed a certain ... err ... 'attitude' (see pics). He had been suspended from school three times for truancy, graffiti and the possession of dope, stolen jewelry (including several wedding rings) and 'burglars tools' (a heavy-duty, wide-bladed screwdriver for all those heavy-duty, wide-headed screws that school kids chance upon in everyday life and have an irresistible urge to tighten). To anyone with a modicum of common sense, he was clearly a small time burglar and drug user, the former presumably funding the latter. Although only 17, he was a fit and strong 6' 2" not the little kid in the photos. Oh and Martin's own 'Tweeter tag' (and let's get this straight - this is the nickname he chose to describe himself) was "No_Limit_N*****" (yes that's the N-word).
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| Stereotypical Delinquent TM |
So now I am really confused. Is this case being used by all the rallying dim-wits to campaign for or against stereotyping and profiling? Would it be too presumptuous, if I were to tentatively suggest that, regardless of his racist, middle finger attitude, 'hoodie', tattoos, dope, spray can and burglar's tools, maybe, just maybe, there is possibly a slight chance that this person fell just a tad short of being the jolly decent young chappy that the media portrayed? But let's wait and see how the case plays out. Still want a son, Barry?
By the way, Trayvon Martin's mother was grieving so much that see almost failed to spot the business opportunity! Believe it or not, she is now trying to trademark her son's name so that she can profit from the sale of merchandise! I guess "stereotypical delinquent™ " does have a certain ring to it.
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| Trial by US media |
Sidebar: Preemptive of the inevitable barrage of email: Obviously no one is suggesting that anybody deserves to be shot dead on the basis of 'profiling' and/or 'stereotypical appearance' but I have seen, first hand, just how devastating burglary can be. I fully subscribe to Texas 'Castle Law' and Florida 'Stand Your Ground Law' and legally own a 9mm Beretta 92 handgun. If ever I were to encounter a burglar in my home there would be one less burglar (even if it was Justin Beaver wearing a tux).
Stop press! After writing this chapter the 'trial by media' resulted in Zimmerman being arrested and charged with second degree murder (not manslaughter). America and its (un)justice system now look forward to yet another celebrity trial by prime time TV. There are only two possible outcomes 1/. Guilty - life in prison 2/. Not guilty - riots in every major city of the USA - life in hiding. I guess I meant only one possible outcome.
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| Wales' Triple Crown! |
And now to the Six Nations! As I predicted after the Rugby World Cup (I must be careful this supercilious grin doesn't become permanent) Wales won the championship with a Grand Slam (i.e. winning every game played) but, more importantly, the Dragons won the 'Triple Crown' (the Home Nations sub-competition), at Twickenham, the home of English rugby! With the possible exception of lightly seared foie gras drizzled with a balsamic, red current and onion marmalade, it doesn't come much sweeter than that! Unfortunately, I was at 35,000 ft above the Middle East throughout the match but landed to the welcome news and the predictable English bleats (as opposed to 'tweets') as soon as my iPhone reconnected.
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| Wales Grand Slam! |
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| The unwanted touchdown |
The Super Bowl this year was as spectacular as ever regardless of taking place in Indianapolis, the Milton Keynes of North America. Madonna put on a very convincing miming act at half time and the game itself was also a lot of fun. It is every American schoolboy's dream to play in the Superbowl and to score the winning touchdown; nothing short of setting foot on the moon or spending 'playtime' with Sarah Palin could possibly rank higher on a schoolboy's list of fantasies. This year however, bizarrely, the winning touchdown was unwelcome and unwanted! I will try to explain. The New York Giants were trailing 15-17 to the New England Patriots with less than a minute left on the clock. The Giant's Ahmad Bradshaw then saw his chance to fulfill his lifelong dream and score the winning touchdown! He went for it! Strangely though, there seemed to be little opposition; it was almost like Moses parting the Red Sea as a path was cleared to the end-zone. Then Bradshaw heard his team mates yelling, "Don’t score! Don’t score!" and realized the problem. If he scored he would put his team in the lead but would also turn over possession to the other side for the remaining seconds of the game [American football, unlike Rugby, allows huge forward passes so anything can happen in seconds]. Much better, under these circumstances, to retain possession, run down the clock and shoot a last second field goal to take the match. But it was too late. With too much commitment and momentum he twisted and turned to prevent his body and ball crossing the line but ended up succumbing to the laws of physics and toppled over backwards to score ignobly with his butt. There was no celebration. As chance would have it, it made no difference to the final result and the Giants beat the Patriots 21-17. But what fun!
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| The try that never was! |
Interestingly, according to the rules of American football, "a touchdown is achieved when a player has legal possession of the ball and the ball crosses an imaginary vertical plane above the opposing team's goal line." The ball does not have to be grounded. It became apparent, after the recent England-Wales game in the Six Nations (where the Dragons won to take the Triple Crown at Twickenham, the home of English rugby - did I mention that before?) that many English Rugby fans think this rule also applies to Rugby Union! Regardless of scrupulous video refereeing and subsequent analysis, many still insist they scored a try that clearly never was (see pic).
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| Britannica bites its dust |
Another 'sign of the times' was the announcement that Encyclopædia Britannica would no longer be printed on paper and bound in (faux-) leather. Another British icon bites the dust, in this case the very dust it is renowned for gathering. This, of course, is particularly devastating to all the lawyers and fat-cat CEOs who will now have to find an alternative backdrop to their cheesy portrait photos. The publishers insist that the demise of the famous Encyclopædia has nothing to do with Google and Wikipedia which means it has everything to do with Google and Wikipedia. First printed in Edinburgh in 1768, the encyclopædia is 8 years older than the USA itself and, despite being printed in the USA since 1901, it still insists on perfect, English English (as opposed to oxymoronic American English)! But will the new on-line version still hon(u)r this noble tradition? I hope so but fear not. As I write this chapter the US spell-checker is already objecting to the correct spelling of encyclopædia! Where is ash (i.e. 'æ') on an US Mac keyboard by the way? Answer: option+apostrophe, if you are interested.
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| Barry and Benny strategy |
Barry seems to have 'wised up' on 'Eye-Ran' but now Israel (first in the line of fire) seems to have taken over the posturing. I suspect that Iran referring to Israel as a "cancerous tumor that should be cut and will be cut" may have irked them a tad. Israel's Prime Minister, Benny Netanyahu (who, incidentally, Bachmann still thinks is an alternative to Google) visited Obama in Washington recently to discuss the issue and develop a 'strategy'. Oh dear - I used the words 'Obama' and 'strategy' in the same sentence. With a big Jewish thumb poised over a red button in Jerusalem, Obama's only rational response should have been, "Benny, if you go and do that, then you are on your own, matey." but instead it was more along the lines of, "Please wait until after my re-election ... err ... I mean the election ... err ... pretty please?" Now let's get our priorities right; Barry's personal agenda is far more important than world stability.
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| Nod, nod, wink ,wink ... |
Subsequent to this, Barry was caught on a 'hot' mic explaining to the Russian President, Dmitry Medvedev that he would have “more flexibility” in missile defense negotiations after the 2012 elections. This blatantly conspiratorial off-the-record ... err ... record was followed by a very 'Monty Pythonesque', 'nod, nod, wink, wink, say no more'-type of pat on the Russian's Presidential arm. I think the writing is clearly on the Presidential wall (um? ... maybe Obama does have a graffiti spraying kid after all).
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| Simpsons' 500th episode |
Big celebrations in the USA as "The Simpsons" broadcast their 500th episode making them the longest-running cartoon, the longest-running situation comedy and the longest-running scripted prime-time series in the history of American television. Fox TV broadcast all 500 episodes in sequence (over 200 hours) and attempts were made to break the Guinness World Couch-Potato Record for television watching, currently standing at 86 hours, 6 minutes and 41 seconds (and that's a lot of popcorn). This would have been a fitting tribute to Homer Simpson but sadly they failed. I am a great fan of the Simpsons not least because I seem to share several traits with Homer (both visually and behaviorally I am told).
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| Err ... no comment |
In my former life I ran a number of technical training courses around the world and used the Simpsons cartoons to inject a little humour and intrigue into the otherwise dry subject matter. Homer, for example, would be used to illustrate the importance of operator competency etc. etc. This always went down very well. After a series of courses in Salym, Western Siberia, a Russian student complimented me on an excellent course; informative, fun and very well presented and then asked, "Who drew that cartoon of you?"!! In the three years of running the courses, that was the first time I had ever been stuck for an answer. D'oh!
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| Santorum - just creepy! |
The Republicans' race for nomination goes on (and on and on) with Rick Santorum now putting up a real fight. The reciprocal slandering and millions of dollars of 'attack ads' have elevated the personal animosity to new heights and Obama is lapping it all up for regurgitation in the real election in November; none of the Republicans seem to realize that they are playing right into his hands. The rise of Santorum (sounds like a Greek play) took many by surprise but reference to my 'AESTHETICS' model, released to the world in my last letter, explains all. I do have to revise his 'Evangelical rating' though after a seriously spooky photo was released to the press (see pic). Santorum actually declared that "Satan is engaged in war against America" and this photo shows a weird ritual with Santorum in the middle of a church with bowed head and numerous hands placed on his body. When I watched "The Exorcist" back in the 70's I was scared witless but I found this ritual far more creepy.
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| (E)vangelical rating = 10 |
As a result Santorum has started to attract more media attention. One reporter asked Santorum if he was pleased with how his campaign was evolving. Obviously a trick question to an idiot who doesn't believe in evolution. Ron Paul, on the other hand, has no option but to believe in evolution when he is practically a fossil himself. Some now suspect that Ron's now evanescent popularity rests solely on his presumed inability to get up to any of the traditional presidential misdemeanors with female interns. Talking of which, recently released reports show that JFK's antics put even Clinton's in the shade. Standards to which now Cain and Gingrich can only aspire. But anyway, let's revisit the model and revise Santorum's E-ranking to a well-deserved 10 and indeed that puts him ahead of Gingrich.
Stop Press! After writing this chapter, Santorum threw in the proverbial towel and now we wait with bated breath to see if he will endorse Romney, the same guy he has been slandering for months; the "Wall Street financier" and "worst Republican in this country" so "uniquely disqualified" that "we might as well stay with what we have". Surely it is impossible for anybody to squirm out of these statements but I can't wait to see him try (and he will).
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| Romney's damp shirt |
By the way, Chuck Norris has endorsed Newt Gingrich - I thought you would like to know that.
Interestingly (you will see why later), by Romney's own admission, he ran out of clean shirts during the Illinois primary and had to wash one himself in the hotel room sink before his victory party. Having vigourously purged the shirt of the offending dirt and odour he then realized that he had absolutely no idea how to dry it. He spent ages trying to dry it with an iron but got tired and run out of time so compromised and just made sure that the visible parts (collar and front) looked OK. He then put on his famous pearly smile and attended his victory party wearing a very damp shirt but looking great. Am I the only one who sees an analogy with the USA in Iraq? Obviously got the makings of a great President then.
Incidentally, only in America can so many people rant and rave about disparity in wealth and the elitism of the rich (at a $35,000 per head celebrity fundraising dinner party).
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| Dumb anti-moron activist |
The religious wars continue with Romney continually being criticized for his Mormonism. I have encountered only a few Mormons in my time but I do have to say that they are usually really nice folk (in fact unnervingly nice). Condoning multiple marriages (admittedly less common nowadays) may have something to do with that. Genealogical research of Romney uncovered a 'family forest' more than a 'tree' with numerous ancestors being married dozens of times. The ridiculous thing about Mormonism however is their posthumous multiple marriages!!! Yes, dead Mormons can get married in Mormon temples using living 'stand-ins'. Furthermore, dead people can be converted to Mormonism posthumously whether they want to or not ...um?
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| Baptisms for the dead! |
Recently the Mormon church got into serious trouble because they 'converted' numerous dead people (including Jews!) to Mormonism with 'posthumous baptisms' and then married them off 'against their will'. Their defense? The dead can always decline the baptism and/or the marriage if they so wish. You couldn't make this stuff up! Famous posthumous baptisms include those of Hitler and Princess Diana, believe it or not! Seriously though, how on earth can you elect to President a man who subscribes to such mind-boggling asininity and then expect him to behave rationally when it matters. Maybe his solution to the current world instability would be to posthumously marry Golda Meir to Ayatollah Khomeini ... um? ... actually that might work! Wait a minute though - I might 'sign up' to Mormonism and get married to Princess Di - I always fancied her.
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| The Houston Atheists |
With all of the ridiculous religious wrangling aforementioned came the predictable backlash from the atheists. There is actually a group of atheists in Houston called, inventively, "The Houston Atheists" that is campaigning to retain the right not to believe ...um? They meet for ... err ... meetings every so often so that they can 'not believe' together. Must be a blast! This whole situation gets more and more comical every day. Their strap-line, by the way, is "Hey, we just believe in one less God than you." ...um? They are now protesting because religions are allowed to advertise on billboards but atheists are not. Many atheist billboards across the USA have recently been removed and destroyed. It would seem like the First Amendment to the American Constitution (the right to free speech) is as contentious today as the Second Amendment to the Constitution (the right to bear arms). By the way, have you ever wondered why, with such considerable resources, America didn't get its constitution right first time?
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| Farewell to Archie Bish |
But anyway, as a side-line, on the other side of the pond, it seems like the disheveled Archie Bish has given up fighting for his beliefs against the ever-rising modernity in the church and will sadly be leaving Canterbury (presumably along with all the small animals that live in his beard).
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| USDA recommended food! |
Change of subject (thankfully). The USDA inspectors in North Carolina have started making school inspections at lunch time to ensure that all school children are eating properly. You will love this; these are the same idiots who classify pizza and french fries as vegetables, remember. A loving mother had sent her kid to school with a lunch box containing a nice turkey and cheese sandwich, a banana, a bottle of fresh apple juice and a packet of potato chips (aka 'crisps' in Blighty). The inspectors pounced on the poor kid, declared that her lunch did not meet federal guidelines and force-fed her 'proper' food from the school cafeteria to bring her intake up to federal spec. This only became apparent when the mother of the kid was eventually billed for the food. But what highly nutritious supplement from the school caff was the poor kid force-fed by the Fed force? Wait for it - three chicken nuggets!! American schools and the USDA are obviously doing an excellent job in preparing American kids for American adulthood.
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| USA visa application! |
Last but not least, the USCIS has decided to let me stay in the USA for another two years! Three months of campaigning through a specialist immigration lawyer, a petition 4cm thick (see pic) and four hours wait in the US Embassy in LondonEngland eventually paid off (regardless of my frequent altercations with the friendly police officers here). Just around the corner from my office there are dozens of unemployed Mexicans touting for odd-job work curbside. I must remember to ask them if they had similar experiences. But hey, good news (or maybe not) - this blog will continue for a while longer!
