Letter from America XII - February 2012

The American "Twinkie"

Believe it or not, on Tuesday 14th January, Congress actually passed the bill to have the USDA officially classify American pizza as a vegetable (on account of it having a smear of tomaydo paste, remember?). This surely dispels any residual doubt that this country is governed by idiots - everyone knows that a tomaydo is really a fruit. 

Also in January, there was sad news that Hostess Brands, the manufacturer of the famous American “Twinkie”, was filing for bankruptcy. A Twinkie is a 150 calorie, vanilla-cream-filled, cake-finger snack renowned for having infinite shelf-life due to its composition almost entirely of dubious sounding chemicals and preservatives. The Twinkie is as much a part of American heritage as the “Jaffa Cake” is in Blighty (although a Jaffa Cake would be classified as a ‘vegetable’ by the USDA here). I have never been tempted to try a Twinkie but, since they last forever, they are likely to become as rare and sought after as vintage wine; curiosity may eventually get the better of me. Isn’t it surprising though that a company famous for making fat people fatter can actually go bankrupt in America.

"I'm lovin' it" (not)

Recently, in an attempt to keep abreast of the latest social media trends, McDonald's opened a tweeter account and encouraged customers to tweet about their dining experiences. Customers immediately took advantage of the opportunity to moan about dull staff, poor service, cold food, tasteless burgers, limp salads etc. etc, so the site was quickly taken down. McDonald's management expressed surprise that nobody tweeted about their best dining experiences. Wake up, McDonald's, these were their best dining experiences. By the way, there wasn't a bad word said about Sausage Egg McMuffins!

The "Y"

I have mused previously about the American love of ‘cool abbreviation' but I have only just realised that William Shatner (Captain Kirk), the shining star of anything he gets paid for, is known in the USA, 'affectionately', as "The Shat" (um?... isn't that the past participle of ... err ... never mind). I am thus beginning to suspect that this cool abbreviation thing is getting a little out of control. I also noted recently that the Young Men's Christian Association, conventionally abbreviated to YMCA and made (in)famous by the Village People, is now referred to in the USA simply as the “Y”. If this trend is allowed to continue then logically the spoken word will disappear altogether and the American race will become ‘speechless’. That said, with what the Americans do to the English language and the recent ‘eloquence’ demonstrated by the Republicans on the debate stage, this could well be a blessing.

Cain and "Pokey-maarn"

Oh yes, the Republicans. As previously reported, Herman Cain (the pizza guy) was eventually bludgeoned into submission by his ‘friends and colleagues’ and everyone waited with bated breath for his resignation speech; the words of this gallant man vying to become “Preee-seee-dent” of the USA were bound to be profound and thought provoking. Maybe he would draw on the words of a noble philosopher like Confucius, Plato or Aristotle or an influential leader like Mandela, Roosevelt or Churchill ... err ... no ... in what must have been the most important speech of his entire life he chose to coin the immortal words of a cartoon, computer-game character, “Pokey-Maaarn” (better known as Pokémon to kids who can bench-press 200lbs with their thumbs) and I thought my reference to the Muppets may have been unfair! Nevertheless, this news was devastating to all his loyal supporters and a collective mumble of “oh well, never mind then” was heard to ripple through the crowd before him. People tuning to the wrong TV channel may easily have confused this outpouring of grief with the hysterical [both meanings of the word] North Koreans also grieving the loss of a ‘great leader’ (good grief, those guys can grieve!). Welled up with emotion, he then went on to explain that running for “Preee-seee-dent” was only “plaayen A” and “plaayen B” would soon become apparent (if anyone was still interested). Thankfully though, we were all spared his nomination acceptance speech planned along the lines of “to infinity and beyond!” 

The right to bare arms!

With Cain gone, another hopeless hopeful was able to gain ground in the race for nomination - Rick Santorum (oh dear, another Rick). He seems to tick all of the superficiality boxes (more on that below) but one thing that seems to make him stand out from his combatants is his insistence on sporting sleeveless jumpers – he has never been seen out of doors wearing sleeves! This presumably demonstrates his support of the so-called ‘Second Amendment’ to the American Constitution i.e. ‘the right to bare arms’ (sorry).

The hopeless hopefuls

The first big event in the race for Republican nomination is the Iowa state ‘caucus’. I had thought caucuses were mountains somewhere in eastern Europe but, as far as I can make out, a ‘caucus’ is also a locked-room session where members of the Republican party, candidates and voters, debate and then vote openly, face to face. Other states prefer ‘primaries’ that are more akin to the UK’s system of secret ballots. Strangely some primaries are ‘open’ so Democrats can vote on the Republican nomination ... err ... that sounds like fun! But anyway, based on the results of the state caucuses and primaries, Candidates are assigned a number of delegates (sometimes proportionally sometimes ‘winner takes all’) and the delegates then go on to vote for ‘their’ Candidate in the National Convention. Anyway, in the Iowa caucus Romney beat Santorum by 24.55% to 24.54% of the votes, a resounding victory worthy of celebration. Neither of them seemed to grasp the implication that more than 75% of their own party don’t like them much. But wait a minute. Stop press. I was wrong. Iowa miscounted the votes and a few weeks later Santorum was declared the winner (déjà vu all over again?). I now support the 'moon landing conspiracy theory' because it baffles me how a country can put a man on the moon in 1969 yet still can’t count pieces of paper in 2012! 

Evangelicals/Born-agains

The scope and excitement of the TV coverage of each and every caucus and primary compares to the coverage of a full general election in the UK. 24/7 interviews, opinions, predictions, polls and every possible statistical perspective using hi-tech interactive graphics. And all this just to nominate the opposition leader. Countless 'voting groups' are segregated for rigourous analysis: groups based on age, sex, sexuality, race, colour, education, wealth, but interestingly, by far the most important and influential group is the so-called "born-agains and evangelicals" - the last group anyone wants to upset. Anyway, 1 state down, 49 to go. Can I come home please?

Christian "Mingle" .com

Yet another breed of irritating TV commercial has now hit the screens in the USA - 'dating websites' (beep beep euphemism alert!) Examples include eHarmony.com, Match.com, Chemistry.com to name but a few but, amusingly, there is even a site designed exclusively for these 'born-agains and evangelicals' called ChristianMingle.com (I wonder if that means "mingle" in the 'biblical sense'?). We all know that cyberspace is full of weirdos, and perverts but 'heaven forbid' a 'born-again' or 'evangelical' should encounter a predatory atheist on-line! It then became apparent why the klandestine [spelling intentional] nature of these sites might be so appealing. In USA, 90% of white Christians attend 'all-white churches' and 90% of black Christians attend 'all-black churches'! What's more, I heard on the news recently that a popular church in Kentucky has banned interracial marriage and expelled interracial couples from its congregation! Are we in some kind of time warp here? And, yes indeed, these folk are still allowed to vote. 

Ron 'Stan Laurel' Paul

Having suffered the wall-to-wall TV coverage of the Republican debates (in between commercials) for the last few weeks, I got around to analysing what really matters in American politics. I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand why people were seriously supporting Bachmann, Huntsman and Perry for so long. Then the ‘light-bulb’ moment - I was trying to be too clever - it simply boils down to aesthetics. Does the guy look and sound right? Ron Paul for example, the Stan Laurel lookalike, is showing signs of senility but is probably the only sane person on stage. Unfortunately (for him at least) he just doesn’t look or sound like a President. As I’ve said before, appearance is paramount in America. On this revelation I came up with my own ranking tool based on the following superficial qualities essential to the successful candidate:

• American (assumed of all candidates except Obama and thankfully the only factor preventing Arny from running)
• Evangelical (creationism is taught as fact in science lessons – it is essential to secure full support of 'born-agains and evangelicals')
• Slim (there hasn’t been a fat President since Taff in 1913 and the only factor preventing Chris Christie from running)
• Teeth (perfect, ultra-white ‘pearlies’ are essential to success anywhere in the USA)
• Hair (a perfectly coiffed, full head of hair is also essential; there hasn’t been a bald president since Eisenhower in 1953 and thankfully the only factor preventing Donald Trump from running)
• Eloquence (the ability to convincingly misrepresent the truth is essential firstly on the debate stage and then subsequently in office)
• Trust (the candidate must be trusted to keep his campaign promises – um?)
• Intellect (huh? ... OK, relatively speaking) 
• Cash (only the filthy rich stand a chance – humungous sums of money are needed for campaigns, 'attack ads.' and parties)
• Sense (as opposed to 'common sense' that is anything but common over here)

President? - no chance!

By some strange coincidence the above list of qualities actually forms the acronym 'AESTHETICS' ... now how did that happen? ... so let’s grade each candidate on each quality on a scale of 1 to 10 and then compare to Barry:

    Candidate        A    E    S    T    H    E    T*   I    C    S      Total

     Romney         10    6**  7    8    8    9    3    8   10    7       76

     Perry          10   10    8    8    8    3    3    1    7    2       60 

     Gingrich       10    8    6    6    5    8    3    9    8    9       72 

     Paul           10    8   10    4    3    8    3    9    5    9       69 

President? - no chance!

     Huntsman       10    6**  8    8    8    7    3    4    5    6       65 

     Santorum       10    8    7    9    8    7    3    7    5    7       71 

     Barry           5*** 8   10   10    9   10    3    8   10    7       80

* politicians - obviously none are 'trustworthy' but I needed a second 'T'

** mormons - claimed by many 'born-agains and evangelicals' to be (oc)cult

*** dubious - Barry took far too long to 'find' his birth certificate

Conclusion: This model indicates Romney is significantly 'better qualified' than his fellow candidates. It also forecasts Huntsman and Perry will be first to fall, followed by Paul then Santorum and Gingrich will likely struggle on to the bitter end. Romney will eventually win the Republican nomination but will ultimately lose to Obama in the Presidential election. Now let's just wait and see.

Another "Oops" moment

Shortly after writing this chapter Huntsman resigned and announced his endorsement of Romney, the same guy he had been slandering for months, so then only 4 viable candidates and Perry remained in the race. Then Perry resigned (the final straw for him was claiming that Turkey, a loyal US ally and NATO member was lead by “Islamist Terrorists” - another Perry “Oops” moment) and he announced his endorsement of Gingrich, the same guy he had been slandering for months. I had hoped that Perry would follow Cain's example and quote a famous cartoon character in his resignation speech (Looney Tunes “that’s all folks!” would have been appropriate on so many levels) but he didn't, probably because he is intending to run again next year. So, ‘four green bottles' remain ...

Made for each other!

Stop press. Two days before the Florida 'winner takes all' primary, Cain announced his endorsement of three-times-married Gingrich, the same guy he had been slandering for months. So this was his "plaayen B" we had all been waiting for?! That will certainly consolidate the support of the 'polygamists, philanderers and adulterers' sub-group.

A remarkable woman!

It has now been over a year since Congresswoman Gabby Giffords was critically injured by a gunshot wound to the head in a failed assassination attempt. Her survival story is truly inspirational and nothing should distract from the courage and determination of this remarkable woman and her family (and I mean that sincerely) ... but ... it does make me wonder how many of the other American politicians aforementioned could be shot through the head with minimal damage.

Fort Bragg welcome home

On 18th December the USA celebrated the final withdrawal of troops from ‘Eye-Rack’ and Obama basked in the choreographed adulation and praise for his ‘decisive action’ ... um? The ‘welcome home’ ceremony took place at Fort Bragg, an interesting choice of venue for the reception of all those who ‘fought’ so their Commander in Chief could ‘brag’. To be fair though, Obama opposed ‘Bush’s war’ from the beginning and so could extract maximum political capital from ‘his’ withdrawal (the presidential elections are later this year, of course). Bush, on the other hand, is still expecting all those weapons of mass destruction and the Iraqi al-Qaeda leaders to arrive on a separate plane. So after Obama’s ‘timely’ withdrawal (aka abandonment of self-imposed responsibility) in Iraq, how will the country fend? 

Iraq - peace & prosperity!

Breaking news – 22nd December (4 days later) bomb blasts across Baghdad, 68 dead, 200 injured; 26th December, suicide bomb, 7 dead, 40 injured; 5th January, bomb blasts across Baghdad, 72 dead, hundreds injured; January 14th suicide bomb, 50 dead, many more injured; 17th January 5 Iraqi policemen killed at checkpoint; 26th January car bomb 32 dead, 60 injured ... so things seem to be going quite well then. Strangely (or maybe not) these stories and several since were never reported on the news channels in the USA and, consequently, most Americans think they left Iraq as a Utopia of peace and prosperity. Well done, Barry, but before you get ahead of yourself, a sound principle that my parents used to enforce at the family dining table, “you are not allowed to have any Iran until you have finished your Iraq”.

P.S. Can someone please tell Bachmann what we are talking about.

Continuing on the theme, in a move to cut defence costs (shouldn’t that be ‘attack costs’?) and reduce the US National debt, Obama proudly announced that "America will never again fight two ground wars at the same time" ... um? ... is that 'strategy' really something you want to announce to the world? Mr. Commander in Chief, you are an idiot! 

Top Secret Spy Drone

On the subject of ‘Eye-Ran’, it was, to say the least, a tad embarrassing for Obama when a USA top secret spy drone fell foul of the laws of gravity while spying illegally in Iranian airspace. When the Iranian President appeared on TV to comment on this clear breach of international protocol his grin was priceless; the ‘Cheshire cat’ could not have looked more self-satisfied. He then flew across to Caracus to share the news with his best mate, Chavez (see pic). 

"You'll never guess what..!"

But don’t worry, US Secretary of State, Hilaryous Clinton (famous on the world stage for profound naivety) has written a nice letter to the nice man asking, “can we have it back please” as if it were a football in a neighbour’s garden. Well that’s sorted then. Keep an eye on eBay (only Chinese and Russians need apply). Amusingly, an Iranian toy company now plans to send Obama a whole squadron of 12 toy drones as a consolation prize and, because they know he likes playing with soldiers, some special Iranian toy soldiers called ‘Jihad Joes’. (sorry)

The Railway Tavern

Change of subject. Early in the New Year I had cause to return to the UK on business and spent some time in LondonEngland (or should I say PolandEngland). Seriously - everyone in the hotel, bar, restaurant and retail industries in LondonEngland is now of Eastern European origin. Even the concierge desk in the hotel, a post traditionally manned by a Cockney, was (wo)manned by a stunning girl in her mid twenties with an alluring Polish accent. Ha! This was my chance for some fun with Cockney Rhyming Slang! “Scuse us, love. Where’s the best rub-a-dub-dub to meet me Chinas for a few pigs and a Ruby?” [translation for Americans: rub-a-dub-dub = pub, chinas > china plates = mates, pigs > pig’s ears = beers, Ruby > Ruby Murray = curry] To my amazement she smiled radiantly (almost melting my face) and recommended the Railway Tavern near Liverpool Street Station for the best real ale and the Mehek Indian Restaurant on London Wall for the Ruby! It transpired that she had studied CRS expecting it to be more widely used in London and she thought it was “really funny”, this in addition to the other five languages she spoke fluently (presumably less funny). British youngsters with their ingrained entitlement culture don’t stand a chance these days.

Wonderful Real Ale!

A few other comments on my trip to PolandEngland:

• I had forgotten just how much I miss real ale. The Railway Tavern had a selection of five local real ales (including London Pride) all gravity fed from wooden casks. However, to my dismay, everyone else in the pub was drinking Peroni and Stella out of silly shaped glasses.
• I had forgotten that each beer has to be paid for in cash before the first sip. I had also forgotten how to spend cash; I accumulated kilos of inconvenient change.
• I had forgotten that curry in the UK is a LOT hotter than in the USA (and a lot better); the vindaloo (my mistake for ignoring the warning) just about blew my socks off. 

Wonderful English Breakfast!

• The Indian staff in the restaurant were the only real English people I met the whole time I was in PolandEngland ... um?
• I had forgotten just how enjoyable TV can be without annoying commercials every 4 minutes (bliss!). I had also forgotten that bathroom breaks have to be scheduled accordingly.
• I had forgotten that drivers are polite and courteous and always wave-on other drivers.
• I had also forgotten that the waved-on drivers always wave back to say thanks (with all five fingers).
• I had forgotten that one night in a central London hotel costs about the same as a two-week package holiday in Greece (including flights) but thankfully doesn't last as long.
• I had forgotten just how much I miss the ‘full English breakfast’ with proper back bacon and proper tea (bliss!)
• I had forgotten to bring a rain coat.

Disgrace to the Nation!

By now you all know my opinions of Wacko Jacko but, believe it or not, there is another plastic freak and drug addict even more grotesque, Aerosmith’s American Idol judge, Steven Tyler. Whereas Wacko's face and hair surgery, for some warped reason, were intended to transform his black features to white, Tyler's were apparently intended to transform his male features to female and the result, to say the least, is disturbing. His waxworks model in Madame Tussauds looks more human than he or she does. So why did this gruesome troll upset me and 48.7 million viewers so much? The American National Anthem is sung at the beginning of every ‘ballgame’ and is guaranteed to bring a tear to the eye and a lump to the throat even of foreigners and expats (yours truly included). Unless of course you let a burnt-out rock star's botoxed mega-gob anywhere near the mic. Before the AFC championship game, Tyler’s attempt to screech out the national anthem in the wrong key, his excruciating inability to hit the high notes and his embarrassing fluffing of the lyrics was an absolute disgrace to the nation. This tragedy of a human being should be shot, stuffed, put in a freak museum and never again be allowed to judge any form of artistic talent, albeit on an inane US gameshow.

Safer without helmets?

The AFC and NFC championships decide the winners of each American football 'conference' but, more importantly, they decide who goes on to the "Super Bowl", the culmination of the NFL season and the most spectacular event on the sporting calendar (probably anywhere in the world). The Super Bowl takes place on a Sunday and the national hangover is responsible for millions of business dollars being lost on the Monday. Why not shift it to Saturday? The only rational reason being tabled is that "Football is always played on a Sunday" ... um? But, anyway, the debate continues on the safety of American football with a TV documentary entitled "Big Hits. Broken Dreams" concerning the nation. I still insist that the game would be fantastic if body armour and helmets were banned and players were taught how to tackle safely and protect themselves without the false sense of security. Let them train with Rugby teams! Unless this happens soon, widespread brain damage will put American football players on a par with English football players. By the way, when Loony Rooney was asked his opinion on this he replied, "Err ... the lads played great."

A non-flat Armadillo!

Last but not least, I mentioned in an early letter that I had never seen a non-flat armadillo. That situation has changed; I encountered a baby armadillo while strolling (that weird and pointless British custom) through Memorial Park Arboretum (see pic). A charming little fellow, snuffling around for grubs and truffles, minding his own business, happy and content without a care or concern in the world. It must be great to be a non-flat armadillo.