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| "Betcha ten grand!" |
November approaches and the entirely negative Presidential Campaigns are now in full swing. Americans have realized that, after months of in-fighting, the GOP failed to produce a single viable candidate so Mitt Romney will just have to do. Consequently, the election now simply boils down to voting for or against Barry. Ever since Romney tried to make a $10,000 bet with Perry on the debate stage (as if he had that much loose cash in his pocket) he has been viewed as outrageously rich and completely out of touch with the middle classes. This is a little unfair because he has several friends who have gardeners who are middle class. But Bain is the main bane of Romney's campaign. While CEO of Bain Capital and other companies in his past life (and nobody can deny Romney was a very successful businessman), he was responsible for outsourcing hundreds of jobs to Mexico, China and India and hid away millions of dollars in Swiss bank accounts and in the British tax havens of Bermuda and the Cayman Islands. This, as the Democrats are quick to point out, make him a fundamental part of the problem rather than the solution; difficult to argue, huh? A very polished ad. campaign conveys this message with Romney singing his now infamous rendition of "America the Beautiful" in the background. I knew he would live to regret that as much as the rest of us.
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| Nothing to hide?? |
Let's be fair though, if a businessman, or anyone else for that matter, doesn't take full advantage of every legal opportunity to reduce cost, boost profitability and minimize tax liability, then that makes him an idiot (and, of course, Americans would never elect an idiot to President … um?). Romney's refusal to make public his tax returns for that period makes him 'guilty until proven innocent' (kinda like Zimmerman) and adds fuel to the democratic fire. Barry is waving his birth certificate in a manner that says, "Hey. I was forced to 'produce' my paperwork so so should you" so Romney is trying to work out exactly how he did it. Meanwhile a Sheriff in Arizona has commissioned a 'posse' to prove Barry's birth certificate is forged [Yessiree, believe it or not, sheriffs still have posses here – presumably volunteers with their own hats and horses?]. On hearing this, thousands of Obama supporters put on Hawaiian shirts in protest (a gesture preferred to hunger strike, I guess) and all the Californians who wear them normally had to quickly change clothes.
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| Chick-fil-A Protesters |
In a very uncharacteristic 'pre-election' gesture of decisiveness and leadership, Barry recently declared his support of same sex marriage and caught Romney completely off guard. Although the fundamentals of the Mormon religion are based on polygamy (apparently it's in the "scriptures of the forefathers" whatever they are) it is bashfully assumed to be 'hetero-polygamy' and, even then, they are not allowed to say so out loud because even hetero-polygamy is technically illegal (at least in the USA). Romney was therefore left spluttering on about same-sex unions "violating the sanctity of marriage" as if, with more than a 40% divorce rate, hetero's weren't perfectly capable of doing that themselves. Then bizarrely, the CEO of an American fast food chain, Chick-fil-A (that's the name of the chain not the bloke), stepped into the fray with the misguided belief that there was a single soul on the planet who actually knew him and gave a 'fil-A' about what he thought. But why was this guy so keen to air his devout Christian and anti-gay views on the matter … um? … he's a very shrewd businessman, that's why.
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| Chick-fil-A Supporters |
There was a predictable and immediate backlash from the dimwitted activists (who were either bored or had forgotten what they were currently meant to be active about) and a move to boycott Chick-fil-A. They failed to realize however that, regardless of what the liberal media might have you believe, gays and sympathizers are still a minority (even in California) and consequently there was an immediate backlash to the backlash by the conservative Christians. Sales of Chick-fil-A's … err … chicken-stuff rocketed. It became impossible to partake of a Chick-fil-A lunch in a normal lunch hour on account of the queues around the block. The gays then adopted a new strategy and threatened to kiss each other on Chick-fil-A sites (that sounds rude but it wasn't meant to be) so even more conservative Christian, anti-gay folk turned out to buy Chick-fil-A's chicken-stuff. Indeed he's a very shrewd businessman – so who is he?
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| National Rifle Association |
In another very uncharacteristic 'pre-election' gesture of decisiveness and leadership, Barry also declared his support of a lobby to modify gun law; this after a psychopath with assault weapons opened fire on innocent victims in a cinema, killing 12 and leaving 58 wounded. The lobby seemed to make some sense to anyone with some sense but again Romney was caught completely off guard. Heavily reliant on the support of the ultra-conservative NRA (National Rifle Association) and Ted Nugent, he was left spluttering on about the American Constitutional right to bear arms and the rulings of 'the forefathers'.
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| A line somewhere? |
He failed to appreciate that, in the days of the forefathers, flint-locks and muskets were muzzle-loaded with rods and could only be fired once before an indian arrow interrupted the fun. Personally I side with Barry and respect the right to bear handguns, rifles and shot guns but see a clear case for controlling 200 round/minute semi-automatics, machine guns and tactical assault weaponry (not banning them outright but limiting them to sinister, camouflaged, weirdoes in high-security gun clubs). The NRA claims that it would be impossible to draw a 'meaningful line' but, hey, there must already be a line out there somewhere; most states outside of Texas would frown upon possession of weapons grade plutonium, M116 Howitzers and Javelin ATGMs. I think.
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| Andy 'Charisma' Murray |
The Euro 2012 soccer championship and the Wimbledon lawn tennis championship gave British sportsmen two more opportunities to con British sports fans into believing that there was a real chance of winning and then, with millions of avid viewers on the edge of their seats, two more opportunities to narrowly snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. But not in the Olympics! What a magnificent performance by Team GB (which, technically, should have been Team UK, by the way)! Even Andy-British-when-he's-winning-Scottish-when-he's-losing-Murray delivered a gold medal as 'Swiss time' run out 'big time' for Federer (I suspect Murray's losing to Federer at Wimbledon may have irked him a tad). Anyway, Andy Murray is now officially British and is busy honing his officially British charisma.
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| London 2012 Olympics |
I think the vast majority of folk on both sides of the pond would agree (apart from the French who think everything is 'merde' because they lost the bid) that the London 2012 Olympics was truly inspirational, not least because it inspired thousands of unfit and overweight youngsters to put down their video games and their iPhones to watch more sport on telly. However, of the 500 TV channels available over here, not a single channel broadcast the Olympics opening ceremony live. Two reasons: 1/. there would have been little opportunity to torture viewers with inane TV commercials and 2/. there would have been no opportunity to edit out the parts that American viewers should not see.
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| Olympic opening ceremony |
Regardless of NBC's attempts to spoil the essential continuity of the production with inane ads, their editing (aka censorship) and the silly comments from their silly commentators, most agreed (apart from the French who thought it was 'merde') that the opening ceremony was a success of ecumenical proportions and a wonderful 'two fingers' to all the doom-mongers again on both sides of the pond. Admittedly some parts were a bit tedious and 'teenage', but, overall a fantastic show. Certainly 'rap' has no place in British (sub)culture but I guess people of sub-zero intelligence also have to be entertained.
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| Olympic opening ceremony |
Few Americans had sufficient knowledge of British history to understand much of the drama and apparently many wondered why Lincoln (the guy with the top hat) featured so prominently on "Gladstone-berry" tour but, nevertheless, the critics over here were stunned into being largely complimentary. Several of the 'disfavored' nations were edited from the entry parade (including Cuba) but their participation proved impossible to disguise once the games got underway; some actually had the audacity to win medals.
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| The Olympic Queen |
The Queen's speech was reduced to a partial sentence but, hey, she's only a Queen. Nevertheless, the cricket, the clouds, the rain, Michael Fish, Mr. Bean and even the Queen herself, demonstrated the Brits' remarkable capacity to make fun of themselves and in so doing deprived the doom-mongers of the privilege. Fun was had by all. Now somebody please put McCartney back in the box.
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| McDonald's sponsorship |
The rationale behind the McDonald's food sponsorship of the Olympics, initially confusing to everyone, became apparent when the American athletes, far from home, fell foul of their innate weakness to temptation. All became obvious when China's Liu Xiang slipped on a discarded slice of pickle and USA's Ryan Bailey was seen trashing a Big Mac wrapper just before stepping into the blocks for the mens 100m final. The drop of blood noticed on his lower lip as he crossed the finish line in 4th place turned out to be ketchup. The British master plan had worked! The USA's Gabby Douglas won a gold medal for an immaculate performance in gymnastics made even more impressive by a perfectly executed full-turn-double-twist-back-flip combo immediately after a double-bacon-cheeseburger-and-fries combo. 'Douglas' happens to be an anagram of 'USA Gold' by the way - how about that!
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| USA's Gabby Douglas |
Apparently the teen 'tweetersphere' erupted with thousands of twits after her victory - all keen, not to congratulate her on a magnificent achievement, but to complain about her hairstyle! Give the kid a break, will ya! She just won a gold medal! But where does this American obsession with appearance come from? … um? … As I flicked between channels in dismay, I came across a feature on CNN where self-acclaimed 'stylists' from "Chicagolicious" (I have no idea what that is) were coaching '8th Grade' girls (i.e. 12-year-olds) on how to fix hair and apply makeup – wait for it - "for that back to school natural look" (not full makeup though – just 'blusher', 'eyeliner', a little 'eye shadow' and 'neutral lip gloss'). Top marks for 'artistic impression' at school too apparently, but what about the other marks?
Anyway, I digress, let's have a closer look at the top 5 countries (traditionally based on gold medal count). If we weight all the medals gold-3, silver-2 and bronze-1, totalize and then divide by population (in millions), the results become interesting:
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| The Olympic Flame |
Country Gold Silv Brnz Tot Wt.Tot Pop Ratio
1 USA 46 29 29 104 225 314.07 0.72
2 China 38 27 23 88 191 1347.35 0.14
3 TeamGB 29 17 19 65 140 62.26 2.24
4 Russia 24 26 32 82 156 143.12 1.09
5 Germany 11 19 14 44 85 81.86 1.03
I hereby declare the home nation, Team GB to be the rightful winners of the London 2012 Olympics!
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| Grenada victorious! |
Actually, you have to be careful how far you stretch this logic because, when applied to the whole table, several countries shoot to the top and the little island of Grenada (where the nutmeg comes from) with a population of 105,000 and a single gold medal for the men's 400m yields a ratio of 28.57 and blows every other nation out of the ballpark (but I think you get my point). Congratulations Grenada but, of course, it's not the winning that counts, it's the taking part ….huh?
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| Cuba did take part! |
By the way, we talked earlier about gun control. A salient point for all them pro-weapons-ban pacifists: of the 100+ Olympic disciplines, 11 (eleven) are based on weaponry (including bows, spears, swords, handguns, rifles and shotguns) and 5 (five) are based on hand to hand combat; the majority of the remainder are based on speed, agility and stamina (i.e. the means of either chasing prey or escaping from enemy). Incidentally, although undoubtedly very clever and/or 'artistic', I struggle to see how several of the other 'sports' in the modern day Olympics actually qualify as sports e.g. hoola-hooping, ribbon-wiggling, synchronized swimming, adults playing on kids' bikes (aka BMX) and soccer. Also, an interesting observation from an American commentator: the Brits seem to excel at cycling, rowing, canoeing, sailing and equestrian – all sports you can do sitting down … um?
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| "Are we there yet?" |
Sadly, several competitors had to leave the UK in disgrace after it became obvious from their actions that they were deliberately trying to lose their games: amongst them China's Wang and Yang, South Korea's Jung and Kim and Amercia's Mitt Romney. Indeed, Romney's first foreign tour as Presumptive Nomminee was going to be a real tester and the USA would find out how 'the businessman' would act and be received on the world stage. What better place to start than the UK, Amercia's closest and friendliest ally; what could possibly go wrong? …um?
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| Did he call me "Leader"? |
Within minutes of setting foot on UK soil the fledgling diplomitt had upset both the Prime Minister and the Mayor of London by questioning Britain's preparedness to run the games. This after the British had already demonstrated that they were perfectly capable of doing that themselves. Strangely, a 'foreign wannabe president' offering support of the British criticism was all that the British public needed to rally together and get behind the Olympics so Mitt's contribution turned out to be a blessing. Calling Ed Milliband, "Mr. Leader" was a little weird though and it remains unclear if he had forgotten the correct form of address, had forgotten Ed's name or had mistaken Ed for Dave. Nevertheless, what was intended to be a USA 'charm offensive' came across as simply 'offensive' and the tabloid headline, "Mitt the Twit" summed it up.
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| "Walls are real important." |
The entire nation then held its collective breath as Mitt moved on to Israel where there was even more opportunity to offend and indeed, there too, his mouth continued to outrace his brain. Rather than avoiding contentious issues he made specific reference to 'Jewrulsalem' as being the capital city of Israel and then upset the Palestinians further with comments about their lack of culture. What wasn't reported was a conversation caught off camera, "I am deeply troubled by the condition of yer wall and all yer wailin'. Someone should get them holes fixed. When I'm President, I'll send a bunch of foreign workers over here to fix it for ya. Walls are real important; when I'm President, I'm gonna build me a biggun back home. See, people need walls but you gotta learn to look after 'em. I'm going to Poland to talk to the Polanders next. I bet they wished they had had a wall." Someone please tell Romney that 90% of diplomacy is knowing when to shut up!
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| "Kiss my Holy ass!" |
Just when Romney appeared to be behaving himself in Poland, it was the turn of his aide to step on local senstivity. When asked pointed questions by an overzealous reporter, he replied, "Kiss my ass, this is a holy site…have some respect." At first this outburst appeared to be self-contradictory but, remember, an ass is a biblical beastie in many religions and deemed to be quite attractive in others. I don't think for a minute he was referring to the American meaning.
Anyway, 'Mitt the Twit' (The Sun), the 'Party Pooper' (Daily Mail) and the 'Nowhere Man' (The Times) returned home. He failed to establish the kind of 'bromance' that is so clearly contrived between ping pong and hotdog chum(p)s Barry and Dave but, nevertheless his foreign (misad)venture was deemed to be a resounding success (at least as far as the Democrats were concerned). And one thing is for sure, "Mitt happens!"
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| Bobbing Boris Johnson |
To be fair though, we shouldn't talk about 'twits' without mentioning the Brit's most lovable twit, Boris Johnson, Mayor of London. His apparent insistence to be the first to 'test drive' the zip-wire over Victoria Park resulted in the hilarious spectacle of him dangling helpless some 30ft above the ground. Boris is the only politician on the planet who can delight his supporters and his opponents in equal measure with such delightful, though unintentional buffoonery and, regardless of the opening ceremony, this will no doubt become the iconic image of the London 2012 games. Bobbing Boris will be Prime Minister one day – you read it here first.
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| Extreme canine make-over! |
Back to the subject of appearance and (over)make up. The latest craze over here is so-called 'dog pageantry' and 'extreme dog make-overs'. If you are a dog lover I seriously suggest you don't look at the pics – this would definitely qualify as animal abuse in any other country …
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| Shallow end of gene pool |
Oh, and while on the subject of canine asininity, and role anti-models, there is a brain-dead, dope-head 'rapper' here called "Snoopy Dog" who clearly emanates from the shallow end of the gene pool. Headline news! He has decided to change his name to "Snoopy Linus" (I think I got that right; obviously sticking with the Peanuts theme) - I thought you would want to know. If I were a peanut I would be 'insalted' (sorry).
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| Fr .. err.. err ..grass! |
Seems like the tree-hugging, vegans of California have outdone themselves again. In response to rallying, dimwitted activists, a state law has just been passed to ban the sale of foie gras! (by the way, foie gras is pronounced something like "fwar grar" not "fr … err … foy … err … grass" as one Fox News reporter struggled to blurt out from her auto-cue). This is the same law that was recently repealed in Chicago on the grounds of it being, well, just plain silly. Foyer grass is one of my favorite treats so I took advantage of an opportunity in France to visit a specialist, free-range farm (more than any of the brain-dead activists have done). Quite frankly, I don't see what all the fuss is about. Yes the ducks are force-fed and it looks rather unpleasant but lets not get hung up on all this anthropomorphic, "how would you like it?" BS; the ducks really don't seem to mind the experience. When a duck is fed and released it waddles away quite happily (as ducks do very well) and then continues to peck at residual feed on the floor, apparently not the slightest bit concerned about a full stomach. The technical term for 'force feeding' I believe is "gavage" which, when considering 'food to body-mass ratio' is no different from that self-inflicted by the average American when confronted by an all-you-can-eat buffet. What's more, water birds typically have extremely tough and elastic throats and no 'gag reflex' (to enable them to swallow wriggling spiny fish whole and regurgitate said fish hours later) and they deliberately 'gavage' every year to fatten their livers in preparation for their annual migration. All of these facts the rallying dimwits choose to ignore. I was so incensed by this ill-conceived Californian self-righteous vegan stupidity that, as a mark of protest, I am no longer practicing the 'Californian rolling stop'. I now come to a complete stop at all intersections. So there!
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| Darwin was right! |
ChristianMingle.com (remember, the dating website designed exclusively for Christians looking for a clandestine 'mingle') is now boasting over 5 million members! Well, that seems to be working well then! I can just imagine a blinding light and booming voice from the heavens, "For God sake! Thou art proving Darwin to be right! Stop the holy mingling and get on with it!" If membership numbers continue to rise, I can see the 'powers to be' having to repeal a commandment.
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| Sir Beardy Branston |
Britain's Sir Beardy Branston has just become a local hero in Texas after writing a long letter to a 12 year old Texan kid in response to a request for business advice. The kid's lawn mowing business was struggling to take off and Beardy offered several very useful tips. Although obviously a bit of a weirdo, I do think Branston is one of the good guys but recently he has been criticized in the US media for several of his antics including his swimming with sharks. He was even likened to the late idiot, 'Steve-this-is-the-most-poisonous-snake-on-the-plenit-watch-while-I-poke-it-with-a-stick-Irwin'.
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| Idiot "Crikey" Irvin |
Reporters failed to appreciate that, whereas Beardy typically pulls his stunts for a good cause, Irwin took silly, unnecessary risks primarily for money and celebrity (including baiting a crocodile with his own baby son, "Crikey"!). Sadly, it was later rather than sooner that he got his comeuppance. I don't have a problem with idiots endangering themselves as long as they don't endanger others; I am a great fan of Darwinism (even though it's far too slow). Hang on though – I take it back – feeding your own kids to crocodiles can only be good in the Darwinian sense.
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| Real British Tetley Tea |
Change of subject. My office at work has a glass front and so people can appraise my mood before deciding if they should enter. One morning, probably on account of my dour expression before a Board meeting, our delightful summer intern (a Scottish lass) came into my office bearing, somewhat ceremonially, two tea-bags of real, genuine, Tetley tea! Only the British and viewers of ITV will appreciate that "Tetli, mairk teabags, mairk tea". I was thus cordially invited to partake of said beverage in the company caf'. Real Tetley tea!! - not American 'tea', iced to the point of dislodging fillings, not French 'tea' polluted with inappropriate fruit, not Dutch 'tea' polluted with sinister herbs and spices and not Japanese or Chinese 'tea' diluted to the point of being virtually homeopathic! It is remarkable how forgotten little pleasures can lighten the mood and brighten the day.
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| Master Bowhunter, Ryan |
Stop press! Romney has just selected a running mate and 'wannabe-VP'. Congressman and master bowhunter, Paul Ryan is the man! Who? It took Romney a lot longer than expected to select a running mate because he has little experience recruiting Americans but, portrayed in the media as clueless and planless, he desperately needed to find someone with a clue and a plan. We now have a bizarre situation of everyone scrutinizing the wannabe-VP's plan as if he were the wannabe-P and Mitten is acting like a glove puppet. This just gets weirder and weirder by the day. Barry, on the other hand, is playing the whole 'VP thing' down; when he was running for P back in 2004, he never thought he needed a VP and so he recruited Biden to prove it.
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| Olympics closing ceremony |
Anyway, here endeth the special Olympics, proud to be British, edition of my Letter from America. The Olympics closing ceremony was just as spectacular and enjoyable as the opening ceremony and the games themselves; even Posh Splice's pouting failed to dampen the mood. As Boris handed the Olympic flag to his Brazilian counterpart the sense of national pride was almost as palpable as the sense of national relief. Now a distinct sense of anticlimax lingers. After 16 wonderful days of excitement and superhuman, Olympic performance, we awake again to the normal, mundane, Comcast world of underperformance, diabolical service, hopeless inefficiency and tolerance of ineptitude (but at least women have breasts).
Oh, I almost forgot - last but not least, a question asked by an avid American tennis fan (she who shall remain nameless), "Is Wimbledon always in London?"
