Letter from America XVII - October 2012

Idiot count ... 1 ... 2 ...

One of my regular readers points out that the number of times I use the word "idiot" in my letters is a direct refection of my core temperature and blood pressure. An astute observation and probably true. This letter has an 'idiot count' of only 9 so I am feeling fine. By the way, nota bene, "fine" is one of numerous grammatically correct adjectives that may be used to describe one's health and/or wellbeing and a very suitable answer to the casual American greeting, "How are you?" Few Americans realize that "Guuurrrd" is not. I must, however, shamefully admit that the word "Good" (albeit pronounced in the English 'short-form') slipped out a few days ago. I was devastated. You cannot 'un-say' a word. Thus my assimilation continues - resistance is futile.

The British Royal Family

Headline news! British Royalty photographed naked! Who could it possibly be? Philip? It was quite amusing to see the prissy British media (with the notable exception of the Sun) feigning outrage that other rags and mags had published the photos of Harry while millions of people across the globe had already seen them on the interweb. This kid has so many innovative ways of boosting the popularity of the Royal Family! Nevertheless, I knew that as soon as Liz found out, this would mean a one-way ticket to Afghanistan. One week later: Headline news! Prince Harry re-deployed to Afghanistan. That'll teach one.

Queen-to-be topless?!

Headline news! British Royalty photographed topless! Who could it possibly be? Fergie? It was quite amusing to see the prissy British media (with the notable inclusion of the Sun) feigning outrage that other rags and mags had published the photos of Kate while millions of people across the globe had already seen them on the interweb (and as every self-righteous, hypocritical, male publisher quickly deleted the records of his Google search). This kid has so many innovative ways of boosting the popularity of the Royal Family! But surely Queen-to-be Kate must know that, these days, the human nipple may be seen from as far away as Mars and the outdated concept of 'privacy' now only exists behind 1-inch thick, reinforced, lead curtains. Nevertheless, I knew that as soon as Liz found out … watch this space … there may be a sequel to "Private Benjamin" in the making. That'll teach two.

Todd 'Comb-Over' Akin

Until now I have tried to avoid the more sensitive, emotive topics of discussion but, with recent events, my tongue is becoming too sore from the biting and I'm beginning to speak with a lithp. I believe that everyone has the right to believe in what they believe in, unless what they believe in is just plainly and simply wrong. Another Republican idiot (1) has just risen to the top of the … err … Republican pile of idiots (2) with a demonstration of such bind-boggling ignorance that puts even Perry and Sanitorium in the shade. The self-righteous, ultra-extreme, life-begins-at-conception, pro-life campaigner and U.S. House Representative, Todd 'comb-over' Akin, stated that women who are victims of "legitimate rape" rarely get pregnant because – wait for it - "the female body has ways to shut the whole thing down." If this was a deliberately disingenuous and misleading campaign ruse, it would have been troubling but the fact that he actually believed this "hogwash" was nothing short of terrifying! More so because many voters believed him and continued to support him. Apart from inventing the preposterous concept of a "legitimate rape" he obviously had no clue about "the female body" but hey, take a look at the guy, is that really surprising?

Morgon's empty chair

Piers Morgon was due to interview Akin live on CNN just after he made this statement but he withdrew last minute (presumably a practice well-practiced) leaving Morgon 'on his Todd' (remember 'Cockney Rhyming Slang'?) and facing an empty chair (more on empty chairs later). Morgon was so 'miffed' that he relapsed into his public-schoolboy alter-ego and called Todd a "gutless little twerp" live on air (so wonderfully British). Most multi-celled human beings and even some Republicans had 'choicer words' and called for Akin to step down. But will he? Of course not – that would require intelligent thought and, let's face it, anyone with such a ridiculous 'combover' must surely be incapable of intelligent thought. Todd, you are worse than an idiot (3) - get a buzz-cut … and an education … and a life (and if you were right you probably wouldn't be here in the first place!).

A Little Republican Voter

Super-loser Sanitorium (7 kids), King Romney (5 kids) and Fat Christie (4 kids) are also life-begins-at-first-dinner-date, pro-life idiots (4). If these guys get elected and have their way, the prisons will be overflowing with tens of thousands of doctors (aka serial killers) heading towards death row including all those doctors involved in IVF. This is an inconvenient issue of inconsistency conveniently brushed under the Republican carpet. In vitro fertilization invariably results in the 'serial killing' (or freezing) of numerous little people (don't worry I mean itsy-bitsy microscopic single cells, not dwarfs) and, despite being expensive and not covered by most insurance plans, accounts for more than 50,000 American births per year (i.e. more than 1% of total). So who is claiming to be pro-life now? Furthermore, not only will they need to build new prisons to accommodate the Doctors, they will also need to build special little hospices so that all the little people can live out their remaining (infinite) days in frozen comfort and happiness. Hey, Rick, Mitt, Chris, may I suggest a compromise - just force Republican women to have unwanted kids and there is a very good chance that the little blighters will turn out to be Republican. Win–win!

The Republican Hurricane

I mentioned in my Letter X that the biggest clown on the Republican debate stage, Rick Perry, had thought he had a direct line to 'the God of weather' and organized a mass rain dancing session to end the summer drought (the drought that then continued to be the longest in living memory …um?). Well, the problem was that nobody told Perry to stop. The 'God of weather' eventually got fed up with being pestered by Perry and his 'flock' and so decided to shut them up, once and for all, by aiming a huge tropical storm directly at the Republican convention. And to reinforce the biblical message, he named the storm "Isaac", meaning, in Hebrew, "He laughs!" When the convention had to be delayed, Perry was cornered by Romney and asked if he was still practicing his rain dancing. Perry's response was predictable, "Oops."

Scuttling Little Sandpipers

The tropical storm then developed into a Category-1 hurricane fueled further by the huge, swirling, mass of hot air emanating from the convention itself and blasted the Louisiana coast with a vengeance. It so happened that this was 7 years, to the day, after hurricane Katrina devastated 'Nawlins' and chased all the Coonasses* to Houston. Here we go again! When I lived on the coast in the Netherlands, the climate actually allowed me to survive out of doors for more than a few minutes and a brisk walk along the beach in the cool evening air was a delight to relish (on the way to the pub). If I close my eyes now, I can still smell the salty, ozonic aroma of ocean and seaweed, laced with the delicate hint of canine excrement that is omnipresent in Holland. I digress. On such beach walks, it was always amusing to see the hundreds of little seabirds (Sandpipers I think) pecking for worms on the ocean's very edge and to watch them scuttling back and forth frantically, little legs a blur, as the wavelets ebbed and flowed. Albeit on a much larger scale and period, the Coonasses in Louisiana behave in exactly the same manner (though with less precise timing).

Badge of Ethnic Pride

*Coonass, by the way, for those of you already saddling your 'high horses', is a perfectly acceptable 'term of endearment' for Cajun folk and worn as a badge of ethnic pride (no different from Scouser or Geordie back in Blighty). Only a few of the Cajun upper-class minority object to the term and that has everything to do with sociolinguistic prestige (aka snobbery) and nothing to do with racism. Coon is short for raccoon, by the way. Having said that, why any ethnic group would choose to be associated with the wrong end of a mischievous, but otherwise endearing animal escapes me.

The racoon's other end

By the way, the last time the Coonasses were displaced to Houston, Good Ol' Dubya kindly provided credit cards (!) to each and every adult to buy food and essentials. Radio Shack sold out of iPhones the same day. The administration soon wizened-up and now the new 'Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program' (SNAP), administered by the infamous U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be financing the greatest number of free meals ever .. um? Their credit cards can only be used for food and non-acoholic beverages. The Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) cards, however, can still be (ab)used anywhere, including liquor stores, brothels and casinos … um? I guess it depends on what needy 'needs' are neediest. Meanwhile, a third branch of the administration, the U.S. National Park Service is erecting signs in their National Parks asking, "Please do not feed the animals. They quickly become dependent and forget how to fend for themselves." … um?

The racist 'sarnie'

But while on the subject of pseudo-racist ridiculum, there is a blatantly racist food item that has just been 'outed' by an asinine primary school teacher in Portland. I mean, as if it weren't obvious to everyone, the humble 'peanut butter and jelly sandwich'! Though virtually unheard of in Blighty, this tasty little 'sarnie' is very popular with American kids (of all ages). But why racist? Is it the white bread or the blackcurrant jelly? Nope. It is because mainly white folk eat them so reference to said sarnie is likely to offend non-white folk!! I am not kidding; this is American political (over-)correctness completely out of control. This idiot (5) should not be allowed anywhere near children let alone be allowed to teach them this BS. By the way, never mention Marmite in front of an Aussie (they only ever eat Vegemite and are a very sensitive race you know).

American bacon barter

You have probably seen in the media that a few thoughtless Americans, for no apparent reason, are doing their very best to upset our friends in the Middle East by disrespecting their core ideologies. I refer, of course, to American Comedian Josh Sankey traveling across America (NY to LA) using only bacon as currency. No cash or credit cards, just a trailer filled with 3000lbs of American bacon with which to barter. But American bacon! I would prefer to eat the trailer. If it were British Butcher's Prime, Thick-cut, Back Bacon the guy would be able to circumnavigate the globe.

Perry texts and drives

But back to that idiot, (6) Perry. As reported in an earlier letter, the Houstonian maniacal, third-world, driving experience is only exacerbated by the common use of cell-phones while driving. The City of Houston therefore partnered with AT&T (a cell phone provider) in a national, "It can wait" campaign to make texting while driving both illegal and socially unacceptable. This 'no-brainer' of a motion was passed by both Chambers of the Texas Legislature, only to be vetoed by ex-wannabe President Rick Perry, clearly a 'no-brainer' himself. Way to go, Rick! You really are an IDIOT!! (7). By the way, on a similar theme, Brits will remember the UK's fasten seatbelt campaign slogan from the 1970's, "Clunk Click Every Trip." The American equivalent here is equally 'catchy' but a little more threatening, "Click It or Ticket!" Good eh?     

I have now had a chance to rate Paul Ryan, wannabe-VP, on my now infamous "AESTHETICS" scale unveiled in Letter XII. He scored a very respectful 79, just short of Obama's 80 but, remember, Obama still only has 5 points for (A)merican on account of his birth certificate issues. Here is Ryan's rating:

Stallone/Bean/Waiter

    
  A   E   S   T   H   E   T   I   C   S   Tot

 10   8  10  10   9   9   3   8   5   7   79

But let's look at this another way: the guy is 'main-stream-religious' and looks like a cross between Sylvester Stallone, Mr. Bean and an Italian waiter. That's the evangelical/born again votes, the NRA votes, the clown/idiot (8) votes and the women's votes secured. Brilliant! But what about his all-important missus, Janna? Not too pretty - tick, not too plain - tick, not too fat - tick, not too thin - tick, perfect ultra-white pearlies – tick, blonde shoulder–length hair – tick. Yep, she will do just fine!

For completeness sake, I tried to rate VP Joe Biden on my "AESTHETICS" scale but, sadly, when I tried to enter negatives figures for (I)intellect and (S)ense, my computer crashed and I lost the spreadsheet. But what about his all-important missus, Jill? Not too pretty - tick, not too plain - tick, not to fat - tick, not too thin - tick, perfect ultra-white pearlies – tick, blonde shoulder–length hair – tick. Yep, she will do just fine too!

Republican Convention

And so onto the Republican National Convention (deep breath):

The event kicked off with a nauseating speech by super-loser Sanitorium almost entirely about himself. Remember, this was the guy who said, "If Romney is nominated we might as well stick with Obama" and since then he has pronounced that, "smart people will never be on our side." … um? This was uncharacteristically astute of Sanitorium and the 'smart' folk in the audience couldn't help but agree! Thankfully the commercial break allowed the podium to be cleaned of all the goo and slime before the next speaker. Then Chris Christie, Governor of New Jersey (tweeter name: 2f@2BP) made a keynote speech almost entirely about himself ; he didn't mention Romney for 16 minutes! Has it not dawned on anyone that such blatant solipsism has nothing to do with 2012; these guys have already given up on Romney and are campaigning for the 2016 election! Former Secretary of State, Condoleeezzza Rice (supported by her lesser-known sister from Louisiana, Redbeeenzzzan) seemed to make a lot more sense but, as the Republicans' token black female, nobody seemed to notice.

Sentimental piffle!

Then, next, we had to listen to Romney's missus, Ann (not too pretty - tick, not too plain - tick, not too fat - tick, not too thin - tick, perfect ultra-white pearlies - tick, blonde shoulder–length hair – tick) telling us what a wonderful bloke Mitten is! She announced beforehand that she would speak personally and sincerely, straight from her heart and try to 'humanize' her moron, sorry mormon, husband. She then went on to admit that she was feeling a little nervous because it was the first time she had had a speech written for her … um? We then listened to over 15 minutes of mind-numbingly sentimental, teary-eyed, irrelevant, piffle! I have no idea why Americans think it is so appropriate to take their wives on job interviews; it doesn’t happen anywhere else. So, anyway, we all learned that wonderful Mitty had stuck with her when she had breast cancer and was diagnosed with MS. I guess that makes him a … err … what's the word I'm looking for? … err … husband? Does anybody know (or even care) if Churchill, Wilson, Blair or Thatcher were wonderful husbands? But, anyway, Mormon Mitten is now officially a human and a husband. High–five!

Paul had never existed!

I have mused before about how Perry, Sanitorium and Gingrich had to squirm their ways out of all the nasty things they had said about their new-best-mate Mitty. This is an essential convention of the convention where humiliation and humble pie are force-fed in American-size portions. This reluctant concession between losers and winner, however, is anything but reciprocal. Ron Paul, who had the audacity to stay in the race to the bitter end, was vindictively and maliciously wiped from Republican record and history. Even though he had bought a new suit and sweater for the event he was not invited to attend. When the results of the elections were read out State by tedious State, only King Romney's delegate count was mentioned. Paul did not exist! He had never existed! CNN had to overlay Paul's delegate count on the screen. All the Paul supporters stomped out of the convention in disbelief and anger - never to return. I now have to go back and eradicate Paul from all of my previous letters.

Ryan's schoolboy accolade

On the announcement of Paul Ryan's VP nomination, the media rushed to dig up dirt from his past but failed to come up with anything of 'interest' apart from him being honored as "biggest brown noser in class" at high school (see pic). Ryan therefore had a unique, once in a lifetime, opportunity to sculpture his own image. With his looks, aforementioned, all he had to do in his acceptance speech was to stick to the facts to bash Barry (of which there were plenty) and generate a novel and unique perception of honesty and integrity that, with any luck, could be made to last until November. What could possibly go wrong? …um? 

Did anyone believe him?

Maybe he was unaware that the internet can be used to check facts and a non-partisan, non-profit site called, inventively, factcheck.org has been set up to do precisely that. I was going to list his mistakes (aka 'lies') but got bored. In summary he blamed Barry for doing several things that Dubya had actually done and for being several things that Romney actually is. A once in a lifetime opportunity missed – sadly, a dumb and disingenuous wannabe politician just like the rest of them.

Eastwood's empty chair

The surprise speech by Clint Eastwood was the most memorable event of the convention and the most talked about afterwards. Many supposed he was trying to show his support of homeless people by appearing disheveled and disorientated and mumbling to an imaginary person (in an empty chair), but he failed miserably and ended up being quite funny. Unfortunately, what little of his rhetoric was actually decipherable also turned out to be factually incorrect. He is getting real old though; I'm not so sure he will last until November.  

Then Romney made a speech.

Siri - American English!

Having to keep up with Apple's ever-improving technology offering, I felt obliged to upgrade my iPhone to the 4S, as soon as it became available, and in so doing acquired the new 'Siri' voice recognition software. Siri, for the uninitiated, is a polite female who will answer your every command (sadly, to date, a functionality only available 'virtually'). The software enables you to speak normally (I will come back to what "normally" means later) and ask any conceivable question. Siri will then use the combined knowledge of the interweb and GPS to provide meaningful and appropriate answers. 'She' will also hold a pleasant conversation and answer any questions that you may have about … err … 'her' … um? But how far can you push this line of interrogation? I found out - I embarrassed myself - 'nuff said. In my defense, several of my friends admitted to following the same line of research (and the others were lying). But back to the main story. I set up Siri in "English (United Kingdom)" but, when I asked my first question, I was told, very politely, "I can only help you when you are using U.S. English. Sorry about that." (!) Several subsequent questions met with the same response. I had to go back to 'settings' and select the "English (United States)" option and then try to speak with an American 'ac-say-ent'. I embarrassed myself again. By contrast, I also have an 'app' on my iPhone and iPad called "Dragon Dictation" that allows you to dictate and convert spoken words to text. It works very well because it has 'context recognition'. If I say the single word "water" in a perfect English English accent it will come back with either "Walter", "Walte" or "waiter". If I say the word "waaaarda" in an appalling attempt at an American English 'ac-say-ent' then it will come back with "water" every single time. However (and this is the cool bit), if I say "a glass of water, please" in a perfect English English accent it will get it right every time. It will also include the word "please" even though it doesn't feature in the American dictionary. Clever, huh? Oh, and now they have brought out the iPhone 5  :-)

"Time Square" bling

I confess, without apology, to an uncompromising proclivity (some would say bordering on OCD) towards engineering quality, design and style and, consequently, I end up spending what many would regard as ludicrous sums of money on stuff, particularly cars and watches. Huh? OK, and Hi-Fi and TVs and computers and vacuum cleaners … but this story concerns watches. When traveling to second/third-world countries, it is unwise to display any item of jewelry of greater value than the host country's GDP. On such occasions I usually sport a 30-year-old Casio which served me well when I was working offshore and, truth be known, keeps better time than even the very best of Swiss. This 'old faithful', however, died recently and, after suitable ceremony, I went in search of a replacement. I knew just where to go. "Time Square" is a freestanding … err … stand in the Galleria manned by a young gentleman of unquestionable sexuality and all the masculinity of a pink tutu. I had passed there several times (with the emphasis being on 'passing there') but recollected a substantial display of 'bling'. As I approached the stand, unwittingly conveying a subliminal 'need to buy' signal, he noticed my watch and gushed with admiration. Before I knew it, we were holding hands and he was twisting the watch face to catch the light. I made a mental note: stop by Target, buy hand sanitizer.

Gimme the ... Swatch?

I thanked him for his generous appraisal and explained that I was traveling to Mexico on business and needed to buy a cheap, tacky watch that was less likely to get me mugged or kidnapped. Then, continuing to think out loud, "Wow, spoilt for choice!" Even Romney could not have been more insensitive and brief eye contact confirmed that I had really hurt his feelings. I tried to backtrack by saying. "Err, what I meant to say was … err …" but the truth of the matter was that I had actually said what I meant to say and the excuse tailed off. I ended up by explaining that his watches were still "much too nice for Mexico" and I bought a cheap Swatch around the corner. I still feel a bit bad though; how does Romney do it?

Organist sent off!

I have reported before that sports events in the USA are an audio-visual extravaganza with hi-tech sound and light shows but, traditionally, the old-fashioned organ is the instrument of choice to rouse the fans and elevate the excitement. High above the arena an organist with full view of the event will play choice melodic phrases and partial scales to heighten the tension and anticipation (this is difficult to explain in text but, believe me, it is very effective). Now, it is common for umpires to send off players (of course) and even eject managers and coaches from the sideline for inappropriate behaviour but, headline news, in a recent baseball game between the Daytona Cubs and the Fort Meyers Miracles, in Florida, the organist was sent off! Apparently there were a couple of bad decisions by the umpires and the organist, in dismay, took it upon himself to play, "Three blind mice." The 'home-plate umpire' (lacking any sense of humor) visibly bristled, stopped the game, pointed to the organist on high and bellowed, with red face and neck-veins bulging, "You're gone!" He then insisted that the sound system be switched off before the game was allowed to continue. Brilliant! Organist's name - Derek Dye – he will go far.

The odious Assange

And now a potentially troubling story. I continue to have mixed feelings about the odious Julian Assange and his Wikileaks. It is obvious from all of the foregoing that there is a fundamental need for someone or something to cut through all the disingenuousness, propaganda, lies and BS that we are continually being force-fed by politicians through every form of media. It might be different if you could trust politicians but in light of what we have all witnessed recently those two words should never be juxtaposed. I happened to be watching CNN live on the morning of Julian Assange's anticipated speech as crowds gathered outside the Ecuadorian embassy in London. CNN reporters were on site, broadcasting live, and promising to broadcast his speech live ("right after these commercials" of course). Excitement was mounting...

Wikileaks under attack!

All cameras were trained on the empty balcony where Assange was expected to appear. I wanted to see this. There were frequent breaks in coverage to cover other stories so I continued to 'half-watch' and wait while tapping away merrily on my iPad. It was then that I noticed the BBC News homepage and the detailed report of Assange's speech! Strange. CNN had not only stopped live coverage but had stopped any form of coverage. So had Fox. It must have been obvious to everyone that the speech would eventually appear on facetube so why not show it live. Someone had shut them down. Make up your own minds. For this reason (and others) I sympathize with Assange and am largely supportive of Wikileaks but continue to struggle with the intellectual conundrum of advocating a more 'selective' release of secrets. Yes, I know, the logic implodes. Oops, sorry, I forgot - it is nothing to do with Wikileaks – he is wanted in Sweden for assault (we assume, of course, that that is "legitimate").

Democratic Convention

But onto the Democratic National Convention. Bear with me - this will be short. The DNC got off to a good start and appeared, at first, to be a bit more professional and slick than the RNC. But then… The 'Party Platform', a documented list of principles on which all Party policies and strategies are based (i.e. kinda important to get right) had been presented and voted in. Then all hell broke loose. Someone, somewhere realized that, whether by design or error, the word "God" had been omitted from the 'Platform' and also the standard reference to Jewrusalem (where the USA Embassy isn't) being the capital city of lsrael …um? The Republicans pounced and President Barry, in a very uncharacteristic 'pre-election' gesture of decisiveness and leadership, intervened to correct the "oversight". The convention then had to re-take the aural 'vote of acceptance'. What could possibly go wrong? ...

Democratic democracy???!

You have to see this!!!! Click here: Democrats!  You heard the guy, "The matter requires a two thirds vote in the affirmative" unless, of course, it's clearly an even split in which case, to hell with democracy, we'll pass the motion anyway! Apart from the 8 million viewers, nobody will ever know. This was a demonstration of Democratic Democracy at its very best! These guys really are idiots (9).

The triplet/clone conspiracy?

Then Obama's Missus (wonderful wife and mother of 2 adorable daughters) upstaged Romney's Missus (wonderful wife and mother of 5 really creepy sons) and Biden's Missus upstaged Biden (oops, nobody saw that coming). But has anyone noticed that Romney's, Biden's and Ryan's wives appear to be clones or triplets (see pic)? This has to be some sort of conspiracy!?

Star of show -Teflon Bill

Whereas, Clint Eastwood stole the limelight at the RNC, it was Teflon Bill who stole the limelight at the DNC. Regardless of his misdemeanors and the fact that, by any rational legal judgement, Clinton should have been prosecuted for perjury and obstruction of justice and removed from office, this guy remains as popular as ever. There's that American 'forgive and forget' psyche again. There is a reason though and it is quite simple: He is a politician and sadly, putting party politics to one side for a moment, the only veritable politician in the game. 

Then Obama made a speech.

Mars "Curiosity"

While the "Curiosity" was transmitting breathtaking pictures from Mars, the Space Shuttle Endeavour took its final lap of honor (on the back of a specially adapted 747) around Houston on its way to California, its final (but wrongful) resting place. By chance I saw the last flight over Downtown Houston from my balcony; a poignant, bittersweet, moment and surprisingly emotional (techie and softie is a bad combo). The tree-hugging, vegans of California, however, are complaining that numerous trees will have to be cut down (and replanted) to allow the Shuttle to be transported to their Science Centre! Just a suggestion: why don't you keep your trees and let the real 'Space City of Houston' keep its Shuttle? You can have the toy one that we were left with (it conveniently comes to pieces).

The Endeavour over Houston

The Shuttle flew over 122 million miles in space (read that again) and represents an era of 'stellar' scientific achievement; everything that was so great about America that I admired and revered as a kid. But, even more remarkable, on every single mile of those 122 million, "Endeavour", emblazoned on the side of the spacecraft, was spelled correctly!

Romney's 14.1% tax

Romney still refuses to release his tax returns (even though he insisted on 'vetting' ten years of wannabe-VP Ryan's) but, stop press, he has just released last year's. It would appear that he deliberately paid more tax than was legally necessary (presumably to sidestep mounting criticism and to comply with his rash statement that he always pays more than 13%). In 2011 he paid a massive 14.1%. I have no problem with the absolute figure because his income comes largely from his investment of funds on which (presumably) the tax has already been paid, BUT, he has obviously forgotten that he once told the nation on ABC News, Prime Time, "Frankly if I had paid more [taxes] than are legally due I don't think I'd be qualified to become president." Brilliant! This guy only ever removes the silver spoon from his mouth to put his foot in! His whole, gaffe-ridden campaign is just so excruciatingly and depressingly inept that four more years of Obama are now inevitable – better get used to it, y'all.

Bye-bye thanks for trying!

And as for the rest of the news: a famous couple has just gotten (sic) divorced, a famous couple has just gotten (sic) married, a famous athlete has just failed a drugs test, a famous politician has just disgraced himself, a famous pop idol has just overdosed, a famous bimbo has just given birth to a kid with a stupid name, OK, let's just cut to the commercials.

Last but not least, rumour has it that more pictures of Kate have just been posted on the interweb. I must rush to see if I'm outraged……