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| 'Future-proof' stamp |
Following advice from a geeky teen, less than a third my age, I have completely
re-worked the Blog and now all problems with picture alignment and IE have been
resolved. Furthermore, the letters are now 'reverse-chronological' and 'selectable'
and the new format is “future-proof" (whatever that means). The downside
is that I managed to pick up 'teen-speak' in the process but, nonetheless, when
I had finished the job, I mean, I was totally like, oh my God.
'Future-proof' was a concept that had to be explained to me.
Here follows my approximate translation from ‘teen-speak’: "Data/media
stored in a format that will not be obsoleted by any anticipated future technological development.” It all sounds good but I am struggling with the "anticipated” bit.
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| Future-proof 'stamp' |
"Eight-track", "Betamax, and "Cassette" tapes were hardly future-proof but, in those days, the Internet and Blue-ray (and silly 3D TVs
for that matter) were hardly 'anticipated'. Furthermore, regardless of my
natural cynicism, any concept of 'future-proofness' relies entirely on the
human race being future-proof itself - an assumption, from my perspective, far
from certain. Assuming 'Eye-Ran' doesn't nuke everyone, the only certainty
about the future is the demise of the EEC (and now, too, the USA) and
thousands of old ladies hobbling around with faded, saggy and, regrettably, future-proof
tattoos ... err ... I think I would rather be nuked.
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| Never to become Chief |
The timing of my last letter did not allow me to glean maximum value
from Europe’s magnificent Ryder Cup victory. Has it dawned on anyone that the
person who won the championship for Europe was the American cop, Deputy Chief
Pat Rollins, who kindly escorted McIlroy through traffic to arrive on the tee
just in time to avoid a two stroke penalty for tardiness! McIlroy had helped substantiate the reputation of the Irish by confusing time zones. Rollins must be ‘one
of the good guys’ but, unfortunately, with all of the Illinois VIPs, Officials and the Police ‘top brass’ being avid
golf fans, there is now little chance that he will ever make it to Chief. Strangely, his
police car is being auctioned off as a sporting icon (!) and there are
rumors that McIlroy may be bidding (assuming he can get to the auction on
time).
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| A Toyota Tundra? !! |
Houston’s Space Shuttle Endeavour has, at last, reached its
final (and wrongful) resting place in California and the tree-hugging, vegans
are slowly recovering from the trauma. The last part of the journey involved a
pick-up truck towing the Shuttle through the streets (formerly avenues, ha!) on a specially designed
sledge and this presented the American motor industry with a unique and
glorious photo opportunity. But which American, super-macho, pick-up truck would
be bestowed this supreme honor? Would it be the Dodge RAM 3500 or the Chevy Silverado
3500 or the Ford F-650? Would it be fitted with extra-silly wheels especially
for the occasion? …. err … see pic … a Toyota Tundra?!! I was sitting in a car
park a few days later, playing with my radio, when a car pulled in beside me.
The make and model were not immediately obvious but it was sleek, stylish and
exuded quality. Was it a new ‘Beamer’ or a Lexus? It was not American – the
only American brand of any ‘quality’ is the Cadillac and, as BBC's Jeremy Clarkson remarked,
Caddies are designed by a bloke with a ruler. It turned out to be a KIA, less
than a third of the Caddy price and, yes, a guy in an Aston Martin was admiring
it. What is the world coming to? One thing is for sure, the American car
industry is doomed.
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| "zzzzzz" "zzzzzz" |
The infamous Skymall has outdone itself yet again. The large, wedge-shaped,
inflatable pillows designed to allow air-travelers to sleep leaning forward on
their tray-tables while preventing the passengers in front of them from
reclining their seats (reported in Letter IV) are still
available but now there is a much better solution on offer. A carefully
designed frame that can be worn over the shoulders to support and cushion the
head while sleeping upright. This is particularly useful if the guy behind is
already using his large, wedge-shaped, inflatable pillow that prevents you
from reclining your seat. This contraption, that gives the impression of a very
severe medical condition, has an additional advantage though – if you climb
into the frame in the departure lounge and then let your tongue loll out and drool,
you will almost certainly be allowed to board first (and, if the flight is not
full, the seat next to you will likely remain vacant).
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| The Star Spangled Banner |
The “Off the Wall Gallery” is a very high-end, pretentious display of
art in the Houston Galleria where nobody ever seems to buy anything. I found
out why. A few months ago, one piece caught my eye: a large collage of American
icons upon which was superimposed a stylized Star Spangled Banner. It really appealed
to me and so I dared to go inside and ask the price. $33,000! My reaction was
similar to that of Eddie Murphy in Beverley Hills Cop! Now unbeknown to many,
one of my dormant hobbies is art and painting and so this was all the
inspiration and encouragement I needed to make one myself. I asked my American
friends to suggest icons and the project was underway. Here is the result. Tap
or click on the picture to see the detail (actual size 36" x 48").
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| The UK's Union Jack |
Then, of course, patriotism kicked
in and I had to do a British version with suggestions from British friends. Not
only was this immensely enjoyable but it made me appreciate what I love
about America and what I miss about Blighty – hence entirely consistent with
the spirit of this Blog – enjoy. The Texas flag is next.
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| Chuck E's old and new |
A Letter from America would not be the same without an ‘American fast
food review’. “Chuck E. Cheese” is a cross between an American pizzeria and an
amusement arcade aimed mainly at kids (I hope) and goes a long way to explain
why few Americans grow up to treat food seriously. I believe I was sitting in my
high-chair with a bib when my parents first started to teach me the difference
between dinnertime and playtime. Chuck E. Cheese is currently in the news
because it is re-branding its mascot, an outdated cartoon mouse, as a computer-animated
rock-star-mouse but still without the vaguest attempt to appear sophisticated
or appetizing to anyone with any taste (or any taste buds for that matter). And
of course it relies entirely on American, so-called “cheese” which has all the
appearance, taste and consistency of bright yellow plasticine.
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| "Cracking cheese, Gromit!" |
If this were
Europe, there would at least be some false pretense at chic ("Francois Fromage" maybe). By strange contrast and coincidence, plasticine (not cheese) is still used for
character animation in Blighty and, far from outdated, has infinitely more
character appeal than any computer generated cartoon. And, by stranger contrast
and coincidence, even the animated characters themselves are connoisseurs of fine
cheese, albeit bright yellow plasticine! “Cracking cheese, Gromit!”
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| Armstrongs - Hero and Cheat |
Two American Armstrongs from two entirely different backgrounds and
two entirely different 'space programs' have passed away recently, one literally, one
metaphorically. Both were thought to be heroes but now only one remains. Neil
Armstrong's "One small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind",
regardless of the grammatical slip, will always ‘live strong’ in American
hearts. Liar, fraud and cheat Lance Armstrong, a disgrace to his sport and his
nation, will not. I would feel sorry for all those athletes he beat and
deprived of medals if there was the slightest chance that they too weren’t
doped up. But I wonder if he can provide some insight into what the Jamaican sprinters are taking?
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| Texan flood gauge |
Tropical storms in Houston can be very impressive with quantities of
rain equivalent to the UK's annual rainfall dumped in a few minutes. The poured-concrete
roads have zero porosity, the storm drains are barely adequate and flash floods
are inevitable. Throughout Houston there are flood gauges to forewarn of
deceptively low lying ground (e.g. underpasses and slipways) where ground water
is likely to be a lot deeper than expected. These prove to be effective in
deterring normal cars from progressing and flooding their cats. and engines and challenge
SUVs and macho, 'gung-ho' pick-ups to take the risk. The latter are much less
likely to become buoyant but typically their tailpipes (exhausts) are only some
6" higher than sensible cars and often a lot bigger making water ingress
more likely; I take great delight in seeing them stranded.
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| Bimbo flood gauge |
But I
digress. For some strange reason TV news channels in the US find it far more
exciting to use human flood gauges. When hurricane/superstorm Sandy was due to
hit the North East coast, every TV news channel insisted that their bimbo reporters
brave the elements and stand, cold, wet and forlorn, in the flooded streets for
hours on end to gauge the water level. This is both silly and unnecessary; we all know what water up to the knees looks like and an inanimate flood gauge would
be so much safer and more accurate. Of course, if they were deprived of their
CNN rain jackets and just wore t-shirts then that would be a different story - I
must write a letter to CNN. By the way, in Blighty we use the term “dip-stick"
as a colloquial alternative to “idiot”. It is now quite obvious where the
term originates.
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| Vice Presidential (not) |
Talking of dip-sticks - after wannabe-VP, Paul Ryan, fluffed his
once-in-a-lifetime chance to sculpture his own image in his inaugural speech,
his image/style consultants went into orbit. In a vain (and in vain) attempt to
look Presidential and to capitalize on his ‘Sylvester Stallone / Mr. Bean / Italian
Waiter’ looks, aforementioned, they released these photos (and others of similar
ilk) to TIME magazine. Don’t you just love that Presidential backwards baseball cap? What
more can I say? … “I apologize to Italian
waiters.”
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| 'Dog and tree' mentality |
It is a sad reflection of the times when a natural disaster of
biblical proportions comes as a welcome relief but, until Hurricane Sandy, the 24/7
media coverage of the entirely negative Presidential election campaigns had
become tedious beyond endurance. The coverage rose to a crescendo on 6th
November, when the election took place, by which time the entire nation had
been littered with millions of plastic campaign signs. If a single sign were
planted on neutral ground then, within minutes, others would follow (see pic).
This reflects a mentality entirely consistent with dogs peeing on trees and
lampposts. After the election, a San Antonio bird sanctuary collected thousands
of these signs to use as birdcage liners … I can’t think of a more appropriate
ending.
Anyway, as you may have heard, 'Mitt hit the fan' and Barry won (or, at
least, lost least). My AESTHETICS model of Letter XII prevailed but it is not always gratifying
to be right. Several aspects of this whole sorry ordeal proved worthy of
comment though:
- Although the media
scrutinized every word that was said by each side, both candidates got into the
most trouble when, inadvertently or not, they were caught speaking their minds
and actually telling the truth
- The queues at the
voting booths were so long that waiting times often exceeded four hours. How
many Americans can afford to take that much time off work? … err … maybe that
explains …
- In many places people
were queuing until 02:00 in the morning. How many Americans can stay up that
late when they have to get up to … err … maybe that explains …
- Florida again took
more than a week to count its votes. Third world countries are more efficient
with fingers dipped in ink. I don’t think Florida should be allowed to vote
next time.
- Over two billion
dollars were spent on negative ‘attack ads’ which equates to over $20 per vote! It is amazing that the tree-hugging, vegan, environmentalists of
California didn’t protest about so much negativity being fed into the
atmosphere.
- A ‘code red’ security
alert was called when an unexpected package arrived at the Whitehouse. Luckily
it was a false alarm; it turned out to be Ann Romney’s curtain samples.
- There were bitter
complaints that, in some States, photo IDs were required to vote … err … can I
suggest that birth certificates and, dare I say, IQ tests would have been more
appropriate?
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| The 2016 Master Plan |
Down-to-earth Chris Christie summed it all up when he was asked by
CNN’s Anderson Cooper why he thought the Democrats had won, "… err … they
got more votes, I guess." A smirk then revealed that his 2016 master plan
was falling nicely into place.
So whose fault was it? (apart from 50+% of American voters) Well, when
Romney was campaigning for nomination within his own party he was, in his own
words, “severely conservative” (implying no known cure?) but then, having secured
the nomination, he ‘severely moderated’ virtually overnight. This was obviously
a calculated move to broaden his popularity, knowing full well that the
far-right folk in the GOP that he had suckered and abandoned would be the least likely
to rebel or defect. Super-Loser and slime-ball, Sanitorium had already predicted this when he was campaigning against Romney and had likened him to an “Etch-a-Sketch” (i.e. easily
erased and re-written). Everyone under the age of 40 had to research "Etch-a-Sketch" on Google but the image stuck; the Democrats made sure of that! The burning question now implanted in the minds of voters (if that isn't a contradiction in terms): Would Romney 'erase and re-write' again if he were elected?
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| Sanitorium's Etch-a-Sketch |
I didn’t know that the Etch-a-Sketch was still available but apparently
sales of the outdated toy rocketed! In his new role of ‘faux-moderate’, Romney struggled to rationalize his now disjointed and incompatible beliefs [some GOP i.e. capitalist,
outdated and intolerant, some religious i.e. socialist, outdated and intolerant, and some his own i.e. self-serving and/or just plain dumb]. It seemed like
he was going out of his way to upset every major voting group and subsequent attempts
to mitigate damages resulted in an indecisive “flip-flop” image to add to his “Etch-a-Sketch”
image. Could this guy ever be trusted? Then there were six entirely media-contrived
topics that voters were told were very important and so many shallow-thinkers jumped
to the conclusion that all must be equally important; it made it very easy to
compare candidates and score simplistically on a scale of 1 to 6. Sound-bites
prevailed and Mormon-Mitt was cornered:
- Women’s rights – when it was suggested that only Republican women
should be forced to have unwanted kids (and they would likely grow up to be
Republicans. Win-win!), Mormon-Mitt refused to compromise
- Gay rights – when it was suggested that same-sex marriage should be
made illegal only for straight folk (Win-win!), Mormon-Mitt refused to
compromise
- Jobs – when it was suggested that big businesses should be prevented
from outsourcing American jobs to China, India and Mexico, Big-Businessman-Mitt
(guilty as charged) refused to compromise
- Economy – when it was suggested that multi-millionaires should be
prevented from hiding their millions in Swiss bank accounts and offshore tax havens,
Multi-Millionaire-Mitt (guilty as charged) refused to compromise
- Taxes – when it was suggested that folk in the top 2% income bracket should
pay more tax, Top-2%-Mitt (with all of his financial supporters also in the top 2%
bracket) refused to compromise
- Foreign policy – although Diplo-Mitt’s performance on the world stage had
already raised some questions, a large proportion of American voters don’t
care too much about foreign policy because it is … err … foreign
and so, simplistically: Obama – 6,
Romney – 0
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| Romney's conundrum |
So clearly Mormon Mitt was not the man nor was the Grand Old Party the
party. It is, at best, a tad disappointing that the USA (population 315 million)
was unable to field a credible opposition when all the cards were clearly stacked
in their favour. Hopefully the Grand Old Party will now re-think and re-brand
(maybe the ‘Brand New Party’), decouple itself from outdated and now minority
religious beliefs and return with a modern, secular party platform that concentrates on the issues that really matter. Did I hear
Romney say, “I can do that!”? Not before
you squeeze that camel through the eye of a needle, buddy!
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| "Welcome to MY home." |
To make sure that there were no hard feelings after the election campaigns (ha ha) Barry invited Mitt around to the White House (i.e. where Barry lives and Mitt doesn't) for a spot of lunch. The media were prevented from attending but enough information was released to make it very clear that Romney (still with the same innocuous grin) was treated 'appropriately'. The menu included the traditional leftovers from Thanksgiving, "White Turkey Chilli" (appropriate for the 'chilly' reception of a 'white turkey') and the meeting was described as 'cordial' (appropriate for a Mormon who doesn't drink alcohol). Romney left two hours later in his 'motorcade' of two cars, still with the same innocuous grin, happy that he didn't have to live in such a confined space with so few staff, Secret Service Agents conspicuous by their absence.
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| The thick plottens! |
As a sequel to the report of the Secret Service Agents being secretly
serviced on foreign soil, another sex scandal has just hit the news. Four Star
General (I’m not sure why Americans rate their Generals like their hotels) and Director
of the CIA David Petraeus was caught behaving just like your average
Congressman. But the thick plottened. As the saga unraveled, also involved was
a broad (sic) called Broadwell (the author of his biography, "All In") and another bimbo called Kelley,
Honorary Consul for South Korea, oh and another Four Star General and all this
was linked to a terrorist plot and the assassination of an American Ambassador
on the anniversary of 9/11! The plot upstaged that of the latest 007 film that was then due
to hit the widescreen which, to that point, was thought to be far-fetched! What
happened to the simplicity of the Clinton era? But a word of warning to all
those would-be-philanderers out there: if the Director of the CIA, the world’s highest
ranking spy, highly trained in covert operations, with access to all of the latest spy
gadgets, disguises, etc., etc., can’t get away with a little extra-curricular hanky-panky, then nobody can!
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| The mark of death |
As previously reported, the Houston Memorial Arboretum was truly
devastated by the summer drought and 8,000 trees are in the process of being
cleared. The mark of death has been sprayed on many of the trees that still await the chainsaw.
Now that temperatures and humidity levels are bearable, I have resumed my peculiar and
pointless British habit of strolling in the evening and, a few days ago,
encountered another non-flat armadillo.
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| The Houstonian Armadillo |
That prompted me to do a little
research into this strange but endearing creature. Armadillo predators (wolves, coyotes, etc.) are few in Houston, which
explains why Armadillos are so numerous here. Armadillos are timid and tend to
forage mostly at dawn and dusk and sleep through the majority of the day and night,
which explains why they are seldom seen. Armadillos, when frightened or threatened, either roll into armored balls or leap vertically, as if spring loaded, to
surprise and confuse predators, which explains why so many end up as road-kill. 18-wheeler trucks do not surprise or confuse easily. It also
explains why Texans often refer to Armadillos as ‘fresh possum on the half
shell’.
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| NHS Olympic Performance? |
Unfortunately, after many years of hospital-free, good health, I
recently had cause to experience hospital from the patient perspective. The
‘procedures’, as they are quaintly known here, were relatively minor and
largely precautionary but, to a devout iatrophobe (aka wimp), were quite an
ordeal. But to my point: in the USA insurance plans are very expensive and
hospital networks compete for business and insurers money. The quality of the service therefore, in every respect, is second to none. In stark contrast, my
secondhand experience of the NHS in Blightly, to date, has been nothing short
of abysmal: waiting lists, old and outdated equipment and facilities,
widespread ineptitude, miss-diagnosis, inappropriate and conflicting
medications, etc. etc. often with a sprinkling of MRSA thrown in for free. But
all administered by very kind, polite and caring practitioners who serve to form
a very effective smoke screen. I found it odd that the NHS featured so
prominently in the Olympics opening ceremony. Brits are only proud of the NHS
because most have never experienced anything else. It comes as no surprise to
me that ‘you get what you pay for’. I will therefore side-step the topical discussion of US
Medicare, Medicaid and so-called 'Obamacare'. I will also spare you the
details of the ‘procedures’ (believe me, you do not want to know) but, suffice
to say, I think I now know a guy who can help Romney with his camel and needle
challenge.
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| Clinton's hiding place? |
Hostess Brands has finally collapsed and the iconic “Twinkie” and
“Ding Dong” will die unless a viable buyer comes to the fore. “Twinkies” are
now commanding ten times their regular price on E-bay. I recently found out that
Teflon Bill placed a Twinkie in his ‘Millennium time capsule’ along with
several other iconic American items: a Louis Armstrong CD, a piece of the
Berlin wall, a transistor, MLK’s speech, a picture of the moon landing, a blue
spotted dress. I am surprised that, in this internet/Google research world,
anyone still has an interest in time capsules. Wait a minute … what else might
he have buried in there? I guess we will have to wait until 2100 to find out.
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| "He jumps first!" |
Now that the election is over (thank God) all attention is focused on
the so-called “fiscal cliff’, an entirely contrived, ‘suicide pact’ normally
associated with lemmings (i.e. animals with brains the size of walnuts)! This is US politics at its very silliest but I will
try to explain: In order to reduce the astronomical US National Debt (currently
standing at $16.3 trillion and increasing by $3.9 billion a day!) there are logically
two options, 1/. cut spending and 2/. increase tax revenue. With me so far? Now
the Republicans and the Democrats disagree which option is best for two reasons
1/. you have to pay taxes to have them increased and 2/. you have to be on the
receiving end of the spending to give a damn about the spending. Still with me?
Now, since both parties agreed that they couldn’t agree, they agreed, that if
they still couldn’t agree by an agreed date, then they would agree to disagree
and agree to adopt both options on that agreed date. This would ensure that
neither party could claim victory and both parties would ‘save face’ (which is
really good) but the USA would plummet off this so-called ‘fiscal cliff’ into deep
recession (which is really bad) but both parties could be blamed equally
(which is really good). Does this not sound like a puerile conversation overheard
in a school playground; a fatuous, ultra-high-stakes game of “chicken”!?
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| "Forward!" |
What’s
more, the gridlock is exacerbated by numerous Republicans (236 Representatives
and 41 Senators) having signed a pledge never,
ever, ever, under any circumstances to increase taxes (and they all forgot to cross their fingers behind their backs) – blithering idiots with convictions and aspirations ill-conceived and far from ‘future-proof’. And the most embarrassing part of this political embarrassment is that none of the politicians involved, on either side, appear to be
in any way embarrassed. Ironically, the 2012 Nobel Prize for economics was awarded to two Americans - maybe someone should ask them how we might get out of this mess. It obviously didn’t dawn on Obama that, when faced with any sort of
cliff, there might be a better choice of campaign slogan than “Forward”!
Oh, I forgot to mention, the agreed date is 1st January,
2013 so I wish you all a Very Merry Christmas (a Happy New Year might be a tad too optimistic!)
