Letter from America XIX - February 2013

The Mayan 'Calender'

I hope y'all had a very Merry Christmas after the Mayan numpties, seemingly immune to embarrassment, binned their Mayan calendars and watched begrudgingly as normal, sane folk opened the 22nd windows of their advent calendars. Of course, it was a huge relief to everyone when the planet failed to self-destruct on 21st December but that relief quickly turned to dismay for all of the dimwitted believers who then had to face last-minute Christmas shopping. Ha! I wonder what that 'rapture' idiot, Camping thought of all this?

On the subject of Christmas, an interesting US poll revealed that 45 percent of Americans believe that Santa is a Democrat whereas only 30 percent believe he is Republican … interesting? … err … is it not worrying that comparatively few Americans thought it was a stupid question?

Vociferous reactions to my last letter fell into two categories: 1/. Compliments on my analysis of the Presidential election fiasco and 2/. Resentment of my criticism of the Brit's beloved NHS. A few comments on each:

Greatest Brit of all time!

The Presidential Election fiasco: My analysis of the election, although intended to be 'tongue-in-cheek', was agreed by many to be more astute and succinct than any of the professional commentators (thanks for that) but, as a good friend pointed out, I have to bow to the vastly superior intellect of Sir Winston Churchill, voted by the Brits to be the greatest Brit of all time, to sum up the whole sorry mess in one sentence: "The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."  By the way, Winnie then went on to say, "Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy; its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery" and so, on that note, welcome to 2013 and the second, four-year term of Obama-ism. I would love to see Churchill on the 'US debate stage' with any modern-day US politician. I am busily working on a 'flux-capacitor'.

NHS - 'Could do better'

The NHS: Several British readers leapt to the defense of the NHS with success stories (thanks for those) but that only reinforced my point: it is a sad reflection on any 'service' (be it the NHS, BT, Comcast or Continental) when good service, that should be routine, warrants celebration. Furthermore, there appears to be a misconception (presumably of those just returning from a 'free lunch') that the NHS is free. It is not! The NHS is only free to freeloaders (too many, both domestic and foreign) while the rest of us pay heavily through taxes. Yes, my US insurance policy is very expensive but the tax differential between the USA and the UK would allow me to pay the whole policy myself many times over. I do have to drive on lousy roads though. 

English football 'fanatics'

With football (soccer) growing in popularity in the USA, new breeds of 'soccer-player' and 'soccer-fanatic' are evolving. Darwinian evolution, though disbelieved by numerous strains of hyper-religious wackos over here, clearly left English football players and their hooligan fanatics behind. Evidenced by recent news stories, most have hardly evolved since the Neanderthal era where they co-exist with Continental baggage handlers. The contrast between your average American football/soccer supporter and your average English football hooligan is profound – not only in terms of mentality and IQ but also in terms of gender mix (see pics).

American football 'fanatics'

The reason is clear: American football is cultivated in colleges where some form of education is at least osmotic; English football emanates from the backstreets of inner cities alongside delinquency, crime and thuggery where even rudimentary education is preferably avoided. ESPN has just released a promotional ad. entitled, "Born into it. It's not crazy, it's sports" that sums up perfectly the American view of English football fanatics (click here: Football Fans) - Brilliant!! The clip ends, appropriately, with "Huh?" and a link to a translation. The translation had to be added as an afterthought when Americans failed to understand a single word of the Mancunian banter (click here: Huh?). Notice "on his todd" (spoken through chewing gum), the 'Cockney Rhyming Slang' explained in Letter XII. By the way, entrepreneurial Brazilian prostitutes have started learning English to improve their business potential during the 2014 Soccer World Cup (prostitution is perfectly legal in Brazil). Choice phrases include, "Nice to meet you", "What is your name?", "You are very handsome" and "Yer canny get a fit bird for twenny quid yer divvy."
  

The Texan Flag

I have now completed my series of flags with the recent addition of the Texan Flag and the Canadian Flag. One of my mate's daughters (aged 5) was keen to see how the collages were assembled and so I invited the family around to 'help' and then also to 'help' make pizza for dinner. What fun! After a ritual hand washing session (and strict instructions vis-a-vis fingers and noses), we made our dough and then our sauce. Fresh 'tomaydoes' (skinned and deseeded), onions, garlic, and fresh 'rbs' ('orREGanno', rosemary and 'bay-zil') were blitzed together, simmered to reduce and then the seasoning balanced with salt, pepper, sugar and lemon. Then the first surprise: our pizzas were to be rectangular!! How weird is that? (fits better in the oven). The sauce was then spread all the way to the edges (another surprise) and adorned with fresh cherry 'tomaydoes', fresh mozzarella, mild gorgonzola and just a little mature English cheddar.

The Canadian Flag

Part way through cooking we added prosciutto, ham, sausage and salami to one and - wait for it – prawns (aka shrimp in USA), crab, smoked salmon and anchovies to the other! Weirder and weirder! Even the parents (I'm guessing a combined age of 75) had never seen fish on pizza and this only served to confirm that the Brit was indeed a culinary lunatic! Nevertheless, the pizzas, dressed last-minute with fresh 'rbs' (bay-zil and dill respectively), light, fresh and vibrant with distinct flavors, were devoured with relish on my balcony overlooking Downtown Houston (where the real pizza comes from). Although unspoken, I could tell that the kids were proud of their efforts but still preferred 'real', circular, Dominos pizza, served greasy and homogenous, straight from the soggy cardboard box. Can't win 'em all.

After a suitable period of digestion we followed the pizza class with a dessert class. Armed with 12" dinner plates, four flavours of ice-cream, various sprinkles, m&m's, candies, jellies, squirty sauces, chocolates and nuts, the kids designed their own desserts. They were, at least, … err … colorful! Unfortunately not all of the dessert made it home and a good portion ended up re-decorating the elevator. Elmer, the evening janitor, fully deserved the $10 tip for his sterling job in restoring the elevator to its former glory. But I digress ...

The Royal Canadian Mint

The Royal Canadian Mint was one of several architectural icons added to the Canadian flag while the pizza sauce was reducing and this prompted a question from the five-year-old, "What is a Canadian Mint?" After the obvious quips, when I found out that Americans prefer chewing gum to sucking 'Polos' (but "only kids in 4th-Grade get to chew gum") we explained that a Mint is where they make our money. This sparked an interesting discussion. After a moment of quiet reflection, the five-year-old asked, "If they can make money then why don't they make lots and give everyone a million dollars?" It took quite a while to explain why that wouldn't work but why do I mention this now? ...

One trillion dollar coins

The following week it was suggested, in all seriousness, that the USA could solve its debt problems by minting solid platinum trillion dollar coins!! Yes, this was suggested by very well-renowned and respected American economists and goes a long way to explaining why America is in such a gargantuan economic mess. I can draw only one conclusion - the USA administration would be much better off if it were run by five-year-old girls.

HBB and 'Mom'

At the other end of the intellectual spectrum is a dumb, American, fat kid, who goes by the stupid name of Honey Boo Boo. Some things can't even be typed on a keyboard in private without an inner sense of dismay especially by someone who has difficulty saying "McMuffin" out loud. HBB (I can't bring myself to type it again) is a failed contestant of a child beauty pageant called "Toddlers & Tiaras" (everything that is so wrong about America). This obnoxious, precocious (hand me my Thesaurus) brat has become (in)famous on her own reality TV program along with her 'Mom', a 'proper minger' (you know what that means now), who has all the charisma and intellect of a tub of lard. And all this just when the braindead bimbo Kardashian had lead everyone to believe that the 'bar' on US reality TV couldn't get any lower! But this is America – HBB has become a cult figure and is now ranked among the most influential American 'women' of 2012! She could well be President one day! There is now no doubt in my mind that the average IQ of the human race is steadily declining - I feel significantly dumber after typing this paragraph and I'm sure you do for reading it.

Professional and 'air-head'

Having said that, I noticed over Christmas that the quality and content of British TV has deteriorated significantly since my last visit. There is still a long way to go to match the crass banality of American TV but the slope is slippery. Previously conservative (small 'c') TV personalities have been forced to effect bizarre eccentricities to retain viewer interest and have become cartoons of their former selves. Celebrity chefs have become over-effusive with faux-passion, historians and antiquarians are now wearing silly hats, clown suits and oversized bow-ties, and dyed-blonde, silicon-enhanced bimbos are pervading the news channels. Even "Dragon's Den", one of my favorite programs, now insists on insulting, ridiculing and humiliating unsuccessful candidates for viewer delectation like a second-rate talent show. Worse still, at Christmas, "The Wrong Trousers" is the new "Great Escape" and Wallace is the new Steve McQueen! And nobody watches the Queen's speech any more even though, this year, for some bizarre reason, it was broadcast in silly 3D! If the Queen herself was a silicon-enhanced bimbo, 3D might have made more sense.  

The Dunkirk Little Ships

The BBC's Michael Buerk, an 'old-school' presenter renowned for sober, intelligent commentary, savaged his "airhead colleagues" and "that pneumatic bird-brain from Strictly" for their pathetic and cringeworthy coverage of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee. Way to go, Mike! I couldn't agree more! This was prompted by the "cringingly inept" coverage of the River Pageant when bimbo, Tess Daly, failed to recognize the significance of the Dunkirk Little Ships, "the most evocative reminders of this country's bravest hour", and diverted cameras to interview transvestites in Battersea Park! Tess, Sweetie, you were told it was the Queen's Jubilee but they were the wrong queens! Can I suggest a better career as a catalogue model.

Elijah Daniel etc. John

The other Queen of England, Sir Elton John, has just returned from "Kids 'Я' Us" where he bought himself a new baby (he's intending to keep the old one though). Apparently the price tag was £21,675 (he must have missed the sales). Unfortunately for the kid he hadn't already been named so he could expect to be saddled for life with a stupid show-biz name. OK, "Elijah Joseph Daniel", after one of Elton's hits, could have been much worse (B-B-B-Bennie, Honky, Rocket Man, Nikita). But how is it possible to feel sorry for a 'wee babbie' that will, by default, grow up to be a multi-billionaire? ... err ... I still do.  

Hilaryous leaving hospital

As if Hilaryous Clinton wasn't already saddled to one of the biggest clots in American political history, she recently had to come to terms with a second, smaller but equally dangerous one, this time in her head. Hilaryous is a likely Presidential candidate for 2016 so Americans, with the obvious exception of Sanitorium and Christie (and Biden for that matter), were pleased to see her fully recover. Teflon Bill, picking up his long-suffering wife from hospital, sported a broad grin when he confirmed with her doctors that she would no longer suffer recursive 'headaches' around bedtime. The conversation was short though (it was getting late).

Superman over Carlsbad, CA

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, its Superman! Californian beach-combers couldn't believe their eyes when they spotted Superman and Supergirl flying over the coastline of Carlsbad, CA (and California, surprisingly, is not one of the States to have recently legalized marijuana for recreational use). The iconic characters turned out to be radio controlled models made by a former Air Force test pilot. Closer inspection of Supergirl revealed that, by clever design, her breasts doubled up as 'landing gear' – an idea presumably inspired by your all-American silicon-enhanced bimbo on a Saturday night (Kim Kardashian most likely).

Sandy Hook - Lest we forget

Following the horrific cinema shooting in Aurora, Colorado, where 12 died and 58 were wounded, I made clear my stance on gun control. As a responsible (and trained) gun owner, I support the right to bear handguns, hunting rifles and shot guns but see a clear case for controlling 200 round/minute semi–automatics, machine guns and tactical assault weaponry (not banning them outright but limiting them to sinister, camouflaged, weirdoes in high–security gun clubs). Barry had made pre-election noises to the same effect to outsmart Romney and his NRA supporters but nothing was ever done. The more recent school shooting in Sandy Hook, Connecticut, where 20 little kids and 7 adults died, understandably, accelerated the debate and Vice President Joe Biden was tasked with sorting it out. Of course, US Vice Presidents are renowned for exemplary standards of gun safety as Texas attorney, Harry Whittington can attest (that's Dick Cheney's shooting buddy, the one with the distinctly mottled complexion). Discussions continue with several interest groups including the Police, the CIA, the NRA and Walmart, the biggest seller of guns in the USA. Yes, Walmart the American supermarket; you can buy assault weapons and ammunition with your milk and cornflakes over here. Maybe therein lies the problem?

Madman with 50 guns!

Piers Morgan has very similar views to my own and is taking full advantage of his CNN platform to make it well known. This resulted in a petition to have him deported being posted on the White House website! The instigator of the petition, a Conservative, NRA extremist and radio show host by the name of Alex Jones, actually appeared on the Piers Morgan Tonight Show to defend his stance and what an interview that was! Jones almost immediately lost his temper and threatened a repeat of 1776 (the American Revolution that ousted the Brits) if his guns were taken away. He then challenged Morgan to a live fight on air and, among several conspiracy theories, blamed 9/11 on the US administration. Morgan simply sported his well-honed, self-satisfied, supercilious expression and watched Jones self-destruct. What better publicity for gun control than a manic, deranged, deluded, combative, gun-owner with anger management problems ranting live on primetime TV! Amusingly Jones ended the interview with another tirade this time in an exaggerated English ac-say-ent (see these two clips and make good use of the fast forward button Part1 Part2). This lunatic has over 50 guns apparently! I rest my case.    

Madder man with guns?

Later that week Piers Morgan interviewed a second NRA anti-gun-control zealot, this time the super-bimbo known as Scottie Nell Hughes. I say 'super-bimbo' because she has all the attributes of the common all-American bimbo, dyed-blonde hair, silicon-enhanced landing gear, $30,000 teeth and the make-up of a 'pantomime dame' but she also boasts an intimidating 5'11" of stature (6'5" in heals) and a suspiciously muscular tone (I saw Piers wince as he shook hands and then massage his fingers under the table). Since she hosts a mediocre show called "PolitiChicks" on a low-ranking cable channel she would, no doubt, regard 'bimbo' as a compliment. Piers had obviously selected Scottie because he knew her temperament and asinine arguments would only serve to further his cause and she didn't disappoint. The reason why every citizen needs to own an assault rifle is apparently to protect themselves from the uprising of their own tyrannical government! Look, Obama has just used executive order to push through new gun-control measures – that proves the point! Clearly another air-head way beyond ignorant. But as she became more and more irate her features seemed to harden and her femininity ebb. Wait a minute, I am sure I saw her with Tess Daly in Battersea Park! 

No news - San Antonio shooting

Side note: Few of y'all outside of Texas will have heard about this story in the news and for all of the wrong reasons. On 16th December, in San Antonio, Texas, a madman rushed into a restaurant and shot his girlfriend then, as people fled, he rushed out, shot a random stranger in the parking lot, and then ran into the cinema next door to shoot more people (ring any bells?). Thankfully the second, third, fourth and fifth shot in the cinema, were courtesy of an off-duty Sheriff and the madman was taken out. Sadly he will survive (at least until the electric chair). The moral of this story that most of us will remember from "Bonanza" and "Rawhide", is 'the best answer to a bad man with a gun is a good man with a gun' (although, on this occasion, the off-duty Sheriff happened to be female) oh, and it doesn't have to be a 200 round/minute sub-machine gun.

"Where's my auto-pen" 

All of the media hype over the so-called "fiscal cliff" proved to be anticlimactic when, on January 1st, the deadline passed and someone suggested, "Err, why don't we just put off the major decisions for another few months?" and everyone else said "Oh, alright then." Nobody seemed to mind that the dysfunctional (mis-)administration would be a laughing-stock on the world stage, least of all Barry who was on holiday playing golf. When he was told that the USA had technically fallen off the fiscal cliff he almost missed a maradona putt! [a 'maradona putt', for those unfamiliar with golf jargon, is "a nasty little five footer"]. What little had been agreed was signed off by Barry on the 'nineteenth hole' via 'auto-pen' (appropriately like the signatures on the bottom of junk mail). Nothing beats a spot of remote procrastination to start off a new year and a new term. 

Confessed - liar, fraud and cheat

Bizarrely, after many years of vehement denial, the liar, fraud and cheat Lance Armstrong tried to negotiate the terms under which he might confess to his sins … err … surely that is just as good as a formal confession. 'On yer bike', Armstrong, you loser, nobody really cares. But wait a minute, Opera Windfree might be able to contrive a TV program out of this non-news to remind everyone who she is and to boost her evanescent viewer-base. These two were just made for each other. So, in an interview meticulously choreographed by his team of lawyers and stretched out tediously over two days, he confessed, with little apparent remorse, to being the world's greatest liar, fraud and cheat. Box ticked – I have no further comment – he is not worth the electrons. Having said that, I do hope the 'Livestrong' cancer charity survives, preferably under a new name. I know it is possible for large corporations to survive and prosper after a scandal when the liars, frauds and cheats have been ousted from top management; I used to work for one.

American Role Models

On a similar ilk, and equally worthy of non-news were all the US baseball players nominated for the 2012 Cooperstown Baseball Hall of Fame – i.e. none! ALL of the likely candidates were proven or suspected of taking performance enhancing drugs. The New York Times reported this very well with a blank page (see pic). American role models indeed!

Romney is the loser?!

And still on the subject of super-losers, the idiot who had the Romney logo tatooed on his face during the election campaign, now wants the tattoo removed because - wait for it - "Romney is a loser". This guy's stupidity puts even Rick Perry in the shade; someone should take him to one side and quietly explain what a loser really looks like.

There was a full day of celebration when Obama was 'inaugered' (yes, that does sound painful but less so for him than the rest of us). The Constitutional Oath of Office is only 34 simple words but, as you may remember, in 2008 they managed to fluff those words and the ceremony had to be repeated the following day. Few politicians in the US can speak without auto-cues, tele-prompters or cheat-sheets (apart from Romney, Biden and Eastwood of course ... oh, now I get it).

The Oaf of Office

This time the 'Oaf of Office' got it right first time and his daughter, Sasha congratulated him, "Good job, Dad. You didn't mess up" (oh, the charming naivety of youth - if only she knew). He did however still manage to fluff the lines of the public Oath on Inauguration Day but that didn't matter; the Constitution does not require a public oath and the procedure is regarded as just a fun part of the overall 'pageantry'.

Buoyancy mimes anthem

Houston-born-and-raised singer, Buoyancy did a wonderful job in belting out the American National Anthem but it was revealed afterwards that she had been miming (or 'lip-syncing' as it is called over here). So too had the 99-piece United States Marine Corps Band that accompanied her! The media tried to portray this as a scandal (there was little else in the news) but gave up when nobody seemed to mind. Buoyancy is apparently 'too hot to fail' (and who am I to disagree).

Inauguration Day

The 'pageantry' then continued with a parade of numerous marching bands that, with the obvious exception of the military, appeared to be dressed in garish uniforms from a cut-price costume rental store. I was watching on CNN but it soon became tedious so I switched to Fox, the notoriously Republican channel, to see how they were covering this national, historic event. Unfortunately, I had already seen that episode of "The Simpsons".

The President's balls

In 2008 the inauguration was followed by numerous parties (Barry and Shelly attended 10 apparently) but this time the party organizers decided that the President would do much better in his second term if he just had some balls - 'two big inaugural balls' to be precise (insert own puerile comment). A few observations and friendly words of advice though, Barry, Mr. President and Mr. Commander in Chief:

• This may be America and you may still be President, but try to avoid chewing gum on camera, especially when saluting your troops
• If that is too much to ask then at least try to keep your mouth closed
• Since 34 simple words seem to remain a challenge, try following Buoyancy's example and lip-sync important oaths and speeches
• Lip-syncing might also be a good way to keep your VP, Biden on script!
• If you intend to dance in front of a billion viewers try to learn at least a few very basic steps 
• Leave 'pageantry' to the Brits.

'Joke in the box'

There is currently a heated debate in the US about women in the armed forces being allowed to fight on the front line. I don't see a problem if they pass the same physical tests as their male colleagues and my soldier friends agree. I can only refer the polemics to the Piers Morgan Tonight interviews; if you dress women like Scottie Nell Hughes in combat fatigues and dispatch them to Afpakistan with their own 'war paint' and assault weaponry, the Taliban would likely run for the hills or surrender on the spot.

I have just realized that I forgot the traditional 'American fast food review' in this letter. I was going to comment on "Jack in the Box" currently advertising, among their other gastronomic indelicacies, their signature chicken nuggets (20 pieces of awesome!). Maybe next time. In the interim, food for thought ... has anyone ever wondered what part of a chicken is its nugget?

I'm depressed - I have just opened my salary statement and seen the 'fiscal cliff' tax effect on the bottom line (and I still have to drive on lousy roads).