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| Wales magnificent! |
I decided to post this letter earlier than originally intended to honour the magnificent Welsh victory in the "Six Nations Rugby Championship". For the benefit of American readers: the mighty England (population of 53+ million), having won all previous games, were clear favorites to win the Championship with a 'Grand Slam' (i.e. winning all five games) but, to do so, had to beat Wales in their final game.
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| Wales sensational! |
The humble principality of Wales (population 3+ million), having already lost one game to Ireland, had to beat England by at least 7 points to take the Championship on 'points difference'. The bookie's odds at the beginning of the tournament were 50-1! In a truly sensational match Wales stunned and then annihilated England 30 points to 3, the biggest margin in Rugby history! A quick scan of the match reports this morning allayed fears that this had all been a dream. Commentators have clearly run out of superlatives! (Daily Mail) Now, where are the aspirins?
But to continue with the letter ...
Apparently, my "bitching and moaning" about American commercial TV "is beginning to sound like a broken record". That I concede without the vaguest apology. American commercial TV is, in fact, much less enjoyable than a broken record. The next two paragraphs are only intended for the benefit of the complainant; other readers are recommended to avoid this tedium and skip to paragraph four.
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| 60% Commercials |
I have just timed an episode of CSI-Miami. Here we go (t=0): 1 minute of opening credits then 2 minutes of program with credits still running on top. Then, already, 4 minutes of excruciatingly banal commercials. Then 3 minutes of program with protracted credits still running on top (it is impossible to resist guessing which is the last credit – there is always one more). Then 5 minutes of banal commercials. Then 1 minute of program before commercials actually start streaming along the bottom of the screen! This lasts for 4 minutes. Then commercials and program alternate every 5 minutes for 25 minutes until 3 minutes of program deliberately leads up to 'an exciting bit' (but do I really still care about the ending?). Then 5 minutes of commercials. Then 2 minutes of program concludes with closing credits … err … I didn't understand the ending; something must have distracted me.
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| Pendulum scrolling |
The obvious solution is to record the program and fast-forward through the commercials and that introduces a concept I call 'pendulum scrolling'. To make fast-forwarding worthwhile it must be done at 16X speed. This reduces the commercials to rapid-fire still shots of a gecko, the low-testosterone guy, someone's colon, a happy 'Cialis' couple, Shat the Negotiator, a hair-transplanted head and the latest Ford Fusion hybrid but, inevitably, 16X speed means that you overshoot. You then have to re-wind at 8X speed overshooting in the opposite direction and then fast forward again at 4X speed, overcautiously, to learn a little more about the Ford Fusion hybrid before the program restarts. This frequent test of concentration, hand-eye coordination and reflexes ensures that any hope of relaxation is as futile as enjoyment. Anyway, I will continue to "bitch and moan" about American commercial TV.
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| Masterpiece Production! |
In light of the foregoing, imagine what happened here when the UK's "Downton Abbey" hit the TV screens! The entire nation was stunned into the realization that, on a land far away, TV had a quality, class, style and sophistication never before imagined in the USA but, moreover, TV could actually be - wait for it - enjoyed! The only analogy I can suggest is, maybe, the 1939 MGM production of "The Wizard of Oz" when the world witnessed glorious Technicolor for the very first time! "Downton Abbey" (commercial free) is an absolute masterpiece of British costume drama and is loved all the more in the USA for its quintessential Britishness but, wait a minute, hold that thought - I must rush - "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" is about to start on channel 639.
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| IKEA's horse balls |
The horse meat scandal spreading across Europe has finally reached the USA via IKEA, the famous Swedish store where male divorcees furnish their bachelor flats. IKEA apologized profusely when horse meat "somehow managed to find its way" into their famous Swedish meatball brand suggesting that maybe an overly inquisitive horse had seen a long line of cows and thought it worth investigating. McDonald's was quick to point fingers and insisted that its dull grey burgers remained kosher (you know it's really serious when McDonald's criticizes your meat quality). McDonald's, by the way, has just introduced its "Fish McBites" under the delusion that putting a 'Mc' in front of something actually makes it edible. Consumer reviewers graded the delicacy as "fishy", "stinky" and "disgusting" but were relieved to observe that it was a 'limited-time only' menu item. McDonald's should really stick to what it is so good at i.e. bribing kids with cheap plastic toys. In contrast to IKEA's products, McDonald's cheap plastic toys may be assembled quickly and easily without an Allen key and, when finished, seldom have one confusing part left over.
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| Role-moron and Kim Jong Un |
For some unknown reason role-moron and ex-basketball player, Dennis Rodman, decided he would become the American Ambassador to North Korea (yes, North) and so set off to Pyongyang to meet his hero Kim Jong Un. Apparently, the idiot was impressed with Kim Jong Un after the great leader's 'invisible horse' dancing video went viral at the end of last year. He may also have confused 'Gangnam style' with his own 'gangland' style of tattoos, earrings, nose studs and lip rings. Furthermore the name Kim Jong Un is probably comforting to someone who quite obviously struggles with long words. Nevertheless, he came back with nice messages from Kim to Barry and then made the fundamental mistake of pretending to be intelligent on TV. It became obvious from his confused, monosyllabic answers that he had no idea where he had been, who he had talked to or anything about the current political tensions and threats of pre-emptive nuclear strikes against America. Having demonstrated to the world that, defying probability, he was actually more ignorant than he looked, all subsequent interviews were cancelled.
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| Nike - just visionary! |
American plimsole manufacturer, Nike, continues to have an uncanny knack of choosing sponsorship slogans. Tiger Woods' "Just do it!" was priceless but Blade Runner, Oscar Pistorius' "I am the bullet in the chamber" was visionary. Needless to say, the latter had to be pulled in embarrassment. The USA seems to have a soap-opera type fascination with OJ Simpson, Wacko Jacko, George Zimmerman, Casey Anthony – type trials and has thus become mesmerized by the Pistorius case, happy in the reassurance that other countries too have dysfunctional judicial systems when it comes to celebrity. CNN actually broadcast the whole two hours of the judge's summary at the bail hearing (not the trial) live without commercials! There was never any doubt, by US standards, that bail would be granted to the famous Blade Runner; no way could one of the fastest men in the world run away and not be caught. I am only surprised that they didn't make him wear a GPS ankle bracelet.
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| Tiger and Barry play golf |
It came as a big surprise to everyone when it was reported that Barry had played a round of golf with Tiger Woods. Why? I can only imagine that all his sagely advisors were on vacation. What could possible be gained from being seen to buddy-up with a character renowned on the world stage for cheating, dishonesty, poor judgement and chronic narcissism. I always thought Tiger had more sense.
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| Skymall's 'carlashes'! |
The infamous Skymall continues to amaze air travelers with ridiculous offerings that beggar belief. False eyelashes are commonly (both senses of the word) the cosmetic accessory of choice for American female lawyers who apparently think the intimidating, pantomime-dame image affords a professional advantage. But now false eyelashes are also available, albeit in slightly larger format, for their cars (see pic). Only in America!
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| Why??? |
There is however another car 'cosmetic' that I find more irritating than amusing but I have no rational explanation for why: the depiction of one's family (and pets) as stick-figures on rear windscreens. Why? We are a family with a 'mom' and a 'pop' and three kids (a boy and two girls) and a dog and a cat! So what??? I am unsure if I should feel merely informed or pleased or happy or jealous or just plain nauseous. If I can find out where these dipsticks buy these dip-stickers (its not Skymall – I checked) I am fully intending to buy a single, sad-bastard, bloke and stick it on the Aston (maybe with a goldfish). Last weekend I saw a family of five squeeze out of a Chevy Tahoe SUV with stickers. It was like a strange birthing process; their combined weight must have been well over half a ton and the suspension of the SUV rose by about 6 inches and squeaked in relief. Maybe the stick figures were something the family aspired to (or maybe there is a gap in the market for fat people stickers).
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| Quintessentially British |
From Skymall to Skyfall (amazing what difference a single letter makes). Regardless of all the media hype and box-office success, I still prefer to wait and watch movies when they become available on Comcast pay-per-view (it normally only takes 6 weeks). My widescreen HDTV and surround-sound system can match any cinema as my neighbours will begrudgingly attest and, for only $4.99, I can enjoy the film in the comfort of my own lounge. I can enjoy a quality wine in a proper glass glass. I can pause for a pee in a clean bathroom without a queue whenever I choose. I don't have to suffer the pervasive smell and the 'surround sound' of popcorn, the parents explaining the plot to their kids, the couples 'making out', the chewing gum and worse stuck under the armrest, need I go on? My friends tell me that I miss the 'atmosphere' but, quite frankly that 'atmosphere', to me, is as welcome as the proverbial flatulence in a spacesuit. But I digress.
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| Magnificent AML DB5 |
I thoroughly enjoyed Skyfall not only because of its quintessential Britishness (Eon being one of the few British companies still to rival Hollywood) but also due to the unexpected re-appearance of the magnificent Aston Martin DB5. Enjoyed, that is, until the DB5 was riddled with bullets and wantonly destroyed.
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| Wantonly destroyed! |
Regardless of an astronomical budget how could any filmmaker show such callous disregard for one of the very few remaining examples of the most iconic car of all time. I had to pause the film and research the scene on Google (something else you can't do in a cinema) before I could possibly enjoy the film any longer. I am happy to report that, believe it or not, the car was one of three plastic replicas made on a 3D printer! Thank you Eon, all is forgiven! I was fully prepared to sacrifice the remainder of my $4.99 in protest!
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| Dream on, Ford! |
While on the subject of Aston Martins, in response to my prediction of the demise of the American auto industry (discussed in Letter XVIII), Ford have just unveiled their new-look Fusion hybrid. New-look? See pic! Does that not kinda resemble the iconic grill of an Aston Martin? Dream on, Ford, dream on! And while we are on this subject, Cadillac (the Rolls Royce of America and probably the ugliest car on the planet) have grills made of tacky 'chromified plastic' just like the little trinkets that fly out of Christmas crackers - I rest my case.
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| Victoria's Secret |
"Victoria's Secret" is America's number-one-rated undies-manufacturer and is responsible for promoting the sale of sexy lingerie from dimly lit back streets to prominent high streets (or 'malls' as they have over here). Thank you VS! They still intend limiting their presence to the most exclusive and expensive of malls in the USA (e.g. Houston's Galleria) as they don't want to be 'over-stretched' (sorry). Their annual fashion show is obviously a delight to relish but this year their "kids'-toy theme" bemused even the most eccentric of underwear fashion 'connoisseurs'. The models hit the catwalk in undies inspired by Buzz Lightyear, toy soldiers and Mecanno. Why, I ask? Personally, I am more of a 'lego man'.
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| "Lego" - Play Good |
Sidebar: 'Lego' is one of the most successful toys of all time and has one of the most effective patents of all time. It also remains one of the most painful things to step on in bare feet. But I digress. I remember from my time in Copenhagen that Lego is derived from the Danish "leg godt" meaning "play good" (I have a remarkable aptitude for learning foreign languages at a rate of one word per year of residence). "Play good", however, was obviously designed for the grammatically incorrect American market as all Brits will identify 'play' as a verb and insist that it should be "play well". Many of the 'great Danes' speak with American accents.
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| US Sturgeon General |
The US Sturgeon General, Dr. C. Everett Koop, who was widely regarded as the most influential Sturgeon General in American history has just died at the ripe old age of 96. I have always believed that guys who wear bow-ties are either absolutely brilliant or complete 'dipsticks' and there is no 'middle ground'; Dr. C was absolutely brilliant. He was most recognized for his vociferous and emphatic warnings about the dangers of smoking and his steer of the government towards a more aggressive policy against HIV/AIDS. He is thus personally responsible for saving hundreds of thousands of lives. What's more, although he was personally 'anti-abortion', he respected and valued the opinions of others and did not abuse his station to pontificate and dictate on the issue (I think you know where this is going). He was thus respected and admired by both Republicans and Demoncrats alike. Oh, and he actually looked like a Doctor.
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| Ex-Popo Benny Emeritus |
Also in the news, but in stark contrast to Dr. Koop, was a personage with no medical background who was all too keen to pontificate and dictate and, in so doing, seriously undermined all common sense HIV/AIDS mitigation initiatives particularly in Africa. I refer of course to Benny the Pope who threw in the proverbial papal towel (papal not paper) unexpectedly but not a moment too soon. His lack of appreciation of modern, real-world issues became even more evident when, in his farewell mumble, he infuriated millions by dismissing the widespread sexual scandal, the prostitution, the child abuse, the cover-ups, the corruption and the in-flighting as "choppy waters", apparently completely oblivious to the fact that such "choppy waters" would likely land anyone outside of his Church in prison. But anyway, Benny was declared 'Ex-Popo-Facto' and the Cardinals (at least those who hadn't yet disgraced themselves – Ed. correction: it later transpired one actually had) converged on Vatican City to chose a new one.
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| Habemus Papam |
The selection process went on behind locked doors (as too much does apparently) but the 115 'holy relics' were allowed to update the modern world of their progress by smoke signal. The concerns that recent attempts to modernize the church and embrace new technology might backfire and the younger Cardinals (i.e. the 70 year olds) would be tweeting and texting and ordering pizza online (using papal Pay-pal no doubt) proved to be unfounded. Then, sooner than expected, a puff of white smoke heralded "Habemus Papam" and we all learned that the new Pope would be a Latino!
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| Oh, good grief! |
I only hope the new guy has the guts to mop up Benny's "choppy waters" and follows Dr. Koop's lead to end the Church's ridiculous and outdated intransigence and intolerance; just maybe a few hundred thousand lives are worth it. Stop press: early indicators do not bode well - he has already branded the British "usurpers" over the Falklands! Oh, good grief!
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| Latino President too? |
Continuing on a Latino theme: I thought Marco Rubio was a computer game. Apparently not. After Barry's State of the Onion Address (and, let's face it, what a state!) a little known Latino stood up to rebut. The word 'rebut' (not reply) already implied a pre-planned disagreement in something yet to be spoken and it was obvious that his speech had been drafted around what he thought would be said rather than what had actually been said (you can't re-program tele-prompters that quickly) but this guy came across as very intelligent and eloquent – rare commodities in the Republican party and poles apart from the Perry, Sanitorium, Romney, idiot-brigade. Watch this space, we now have a Latino Pope and there may be a very good chance of a Latino President. I guess that substantiates the Latino reputation in the USA (and particularly in Texas) for doing the jobs that nobody else wants to do.
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| Drugs in Ice Fishing?! |
In an (over-)reaction to the Lance Armstrong drug scandal and the realization that no Baseball players were eligible for the Baseball Hall of Fame last year on account of (suspected) drug abuse, the United States Anti-Doping Agency (USADA) has started to treat drug abuse in sports very seriously. Following the World Championship Ice-Fishing tournament in Wausau, Wisconsin, officials pounced on the winners and demanded urine samples. Having been drinking beer all day, the participants were quite happy to oblige (to the tune of several pints each). Now the USADA has devised a new approach to drug testing particularly aimed at ice fishermen - it's called "just looking at them".
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| Watered down ??? |
Returning to the subject of 'enlightening' white smoke, state by state the laws on the 'medical' and 'recreational' use of marjuana are being reviewed. It has been suggested that legalizing and heavily taxing the drug would increase revenue and help offset the USA's burdening debt. I know Barry is not famous for original thought but resorting to selling drugs to pay off crippling debt is not exactly a new idea.
Last but not least, there are allegations that manufacturer of Budweiser, Anheuser-Busch, has been watering down its beer! … err … wakey wakey, America!
