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| NFL Draft 2013 |
Another subject of American TV distinctly lacking in entertainment value is the National Football League (NFL) Draft - the tedious process by which college football players are recruited into the professional sport and are finally forced to admit that their attendance at college no way never had nuttin' to do with no education (as if the 350lbs linebacker studying the history of crochet didn't raise suspicions). The hopeful selectees dress somewhat incongruously in suits, many for the first time, to sit and wait for their names to be called. I have always thought three-piece-suits look kinda weird (sic) either draped and flapping over skinny guys of stretched and bulging over muscly guys; thankfully I fall somewhere in between. Hearing their name called means instant fame and a contract that makes English football players' salaries look like the national minimum wage. If they can avoid brain damage and 'stay on the rails', then a trophy life of trophy cars, trophy yachts and trophy wives awaits and, in later years, the opportunity to sacrifice any residual dignity on American commercial TV.
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| Unsuitably suited selectees |
The selection process is quite complex: the NFL team managers take it in turns to pick players (lowest ranking team first) but their turns in each round may be bartered and/or traded. The process reminds me of schooldays where, in the playground, self–appointed captains took it in turns to select their teams from a line of disparate and desperate kids. The same routine played out every playtime: the 'superstars' were picked first followed by the good players then the mediocre and poor players and the few chubby kids remaining were abandoned to join whichever team they chose. Although not by design, this spared the worst kids the ritual humiliation of being picked last – somewhat akin to the sensitivity demonstrated by the Welsh at the Millennium Stadium when the English were spared the humiliation of collecting their losers medals (more on that later). I am not sure how the kid's playground selection process works in the USA when 45+% of school children are substantially overweight and 18+% are clinically obese … err … anyone for baseball?
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| Brilliant American car-game! |
Continuing the childhood nostalgia: on family road trips my parents habitually orchestrated 'car-games' to reduce the frequency of the "Are we almost there, Daddy?" and the "Are we almost half way there, Daddy?" - type questions. I have just invented a brilliant new car-game for American kids! I have moaned before about the amount of trash sprinkled on roads by open pickup trucks and 'meshican' trailers of garden rubbish. There is however a far greater crime: It is very costly for workmen to legally dispose of leftover paint and toxic industrial chemicals so much better to place them at the tail end of their open pickup trucks until they miraculously disappear from inventory. The result is a roadscape to rival the best of Jackson Pollock. The Houston heat then proves to be a double-edged sword: the paint dries very quickly which is good - unless, of course, it happens to be splattered up the side of your vee-hicle. But to the car-game … the first kid to spot a paint splash is awarded points – one point for each splash, 2 points for a 'supersplash' (spanning more than one lane), double points if the splash is a national color (red, white or blue), five points if it is the kid's favourite colour elected at the start of the game. First to ten points wins. Try it – its fun! I earn 9 points traveling to work each morning and 7 returning home each evening (but I cheat).
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| Laws of Physics apply! |
I have commented before about waste disposal units being commonplace in American kitchens and just how useful they can be. But a word of warning: they are not very effective in disposing of dead flowers particularly woody, long stemmed, thorny varieties. If you pause for thought, fundamental laws of physics apply even to waste disposal units. The flowers, fed in stems first, are not ingested into the grinder as you might imagine. Instead the bunch, ripped from your grasp, turns into a whirling dervish of tornadic proportions, well capable of separating flesh from bone. You are forced to crawl on hands and knees to the wall-switch to disable the unit and then, after extracting splinters from flesh wounds, spend the next 20 minutes collecting dead leaves and petals from every corner of your apartment.
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| Welsh celebrations in Cardiff |
The euphoric spontaneity of my last letter did not allow me to glean maximum value from the magnificent Wales victory over England to take the Rugby Six Nations Championship. Remarkably, the manner in which the championship was won bettered the recent rash of Welsh Grand Slams. Even the English media were forced to admit that England was hopelessly out-classed and, deprived of their normal latitude to bleat about one-sided-referees, had to look elsewhere to vent their frustration. The retaliatory media outrage, this time, was directed at the "drunken revelry" in Cardiff after the match. Shock, horror! Apparently several bottles were badly broken and some revelers were actually caught sitting on the pavement; worse still, five were arrested (for their own protection). What's more, some of them were brandishing vegetables, singing songs in a very strange but surprisingly melodic language and just enjoying themselves far too much!
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| UK on a napkin! |
These reports were not easily confused with the English soccer thuggery yet again to hit the American press; the towns of MillwallEngland, SouthamptonEngland, NewcastleEngland and WestHamEngland now being well known in the USA for all of the wrong reasons. To be honest, as soccer grows in popularity over here, I am sick and tired of having to explain to American friends why English 'soccer' is synonymous with ignorance, violence and thuggery. I am however becoming very well practiced at sketching UK maps on napkins to differentiate Wales, Scotland and Ireland from England.
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| Fergie's Legacy |
And now the whole country has gone into mourning over the retirement of Fergie. Sorry, I mean Sir Alex Ferguson, the Manchester United boss, not the delinquent ex-wife of the royal arms dealer. Apparently his ability to buy the very best and most expensive players in the world with a limitless budget and produce a good team warrants some sort of appreciation … err? I think English football teams should be made to select players like the NFL - long gone is the vaguest association with home town or city as the vast majority of players are imported. Soccer would be a much better game and the fanatics might be a little less prone to thuggery. But anyway, with fond farewells to Fergie, Obama might just wisen up and be encouraged to stop chewing gum with his mouth open.
Brain-dead-Beckham too has announced his retirement from football – I'm devastated.
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| Stick figure families! |
In my last letter I queried why some Americans represent their families as stick figures on the back of their vee-hicles and suggested that there might be a gap in the market for fat people stickers. Further research revealed that someone had already beaten me to it. Furthermore, alternative sticker options would indicate that I am not the only one to find the stick figure families irritating (see pics). I should however clarify that I find College stickers on cars perfectly acceptable. Three reasons: 1/. I have always respected and admired (to be honest, with a little envy) the American life-long allegiance to Colleges, 2/. Colleges have genuine teams of home-grown players with genuine allegiance unlike professional football/soccer teams that simply buy players, and 3/. My boss has a College sticker on his car!
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| Seth Macfarlane |
The Oscars this year was hosted by Seth Macfarlane, the mastermind behind the hilarious, though controversial, cartoon series, "Family Guy" and the hilarious, though controversial, film "Ted". It was predicted that Seth Macfarlane would offend both viewers and audience and so, literally, twice as many people tuned in to be offended so that they could complain about being offended afterwards. He didn't disappoint and succeeded in deflating many of the over-inflated egos in his audience. He commented that it was so nice to see so many new faces (on the old faces) as indeed so many faces in the audience appeared to be looking into wind tunnels. The sewn on smiles made it impossible to judge if they had actually been offended.
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| Oscar winner - "Argo" |
There were numerous American films that were predicted to receive awards: "Life of Pi" was very popular in the USA, mainly because most folk thought it was "pie". "Argo", the dramatisation of the rescue of six US 'dimplomats' from Tehran, during the 1979 hostage crisis, was also popular, mainly for political reasons (the Iranians still being far too busy enriching their 'Iranium'). This point was driven home by Her Highness Shelly Obama presenting the award. They wouldn't let Barry present the award for best comedy actor.
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| Middle-aged Cabin Steward |
In preparation for the next election (yes, already), the Grand Old Party is beginning to rally together and Mitten Romney has re-surfaced. As you all know, I must have spent (wasted?) far too much time evaluating Mitten's … err … 'attributes' but now, reluctantly, must give credit to an unknown source for perfectly summing up his whole person, character, presence, appearance and demeanor succinctly in a single observation. To paraphrase: Mitt Romney is like the middle-aged cabin steward in business class who politely informs the 'curtain-invaders' from 'cattle class' that they cannot use the restrooms at the front of the plane. Simply perfect! Romney has also been credited with inspiring a new GOP proverb: "a closed mouth gathers no feet."
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| Liar, fraud and cheat Sanford |
Liar, fraud and cheat Mark Sanford, famous for abandoning his wife, his family and his party to disappear on an extramarital affair in Argentina has taken full advantage of the American 'forgive and forget mentality' (aforementioned in letters III, V, and XVII) to re-surface as a Congressman (in the department of foreign affairs no doubt). And, as if that wasn't bad enough, the tweeter-perv Anthony Weiner has re-surfaced too! Weiner, boasting the most appropriate name in American politics, now suffers the ridiculous delusion that he has a realistic chance of becoming Mayor of New York, demonstrating beyond reasonable doubt that he is totally immune to both embarrassment and humility and is still head-over-heals in love with himself. Weiner had obviously thought long and hard about this (sorry) but I really do hope he is allowed to run. The poster campaigns will be priceless and there will doubtless be stiff opposition (sorry again).
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| Fat and slim buddies |
Barry's new buddy, Fat-Chris Christie, still denying that he is intending to run for 'pressie' in 2016, has now given the game away by undergoing stomach surgery to reduce appetite and lose weight. He is already seriously regretting this drastic course of action because it was announced earlier this month that Hostess Brands has been rescued and "Twinkies" will soon be returning to the market … d'oh!
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| Hyper-wacko creationist Broun |
There are however new stars emerging in the GOP. US Congressman Paul Broun has started his campaign by boasting that he shot, killed and ate (!) a lion in Zimbabwe (bringing a whole new meaning to fast food). The parts he didn't eat were stuffed and displayed in his office on Capitol Hill (alongside his bear and other carcasses). I guess it goes without saying that he is against any form of gun control but bizarrely, regardless of taking great pleasure in destroying many of God's finest creations, he is a hyper-wacko creationist! He insists, "all that stuff I was taught about evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory … [are] lies straight from the pit of Hell". Good grief! He also insists that the Earth is only some 9000 years old and was created in six days just like 'the good book' says. I'm struggling to avoid expletives here …err, what can I say? … gooder grief? Luckily, abuse of the word "good" is acceptable, if not expected, in the USA. Broun's only sensible and partly redeeming utterance was his likening Barry to Adolf Hitler and Karl Marx (so he can't be all bad)!
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| Hyper-wacko creationist Barton |
Then there is Joe Barton, the idiot infamous for apologizing profusely to BP's Tony Hayward for the "shakedown" following the Deepwater Horizon disaster! He has now cited Noah's Ark and the Great Flood as evidence that climate change is not man-made. Even gooderer grief! Both of these idiots are so transparently ignorant that they almost make their dumb-ass colleagues Perry, Romney and Sanitorium look electable; maybe this is the new GOP strategy that we were promised. But the seriously troubling thing is that there are millions, yes millions, of creationist-ignoramouses actually supporting these imbeciles. America is doomed.
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| Margaret Thatcher - RIP |
The death of Maggie Thatcher reminded us all, regardless of political and/or religious persuasion, of a bygone era when leaders were elected to lead and actually led; an era before leaders of nations and religions became so profoundly disingenuous and so grossly inept. If we just focus for a moment on 'Modern Conservatives', a cursory comparison of the Churchills and Thatchers of yesteryear to the Romney, Perry and Sanitorium idiot-brigade of today, starkly illustrates how politicians have devolved (ironically, while these idiots don't believe in evolution they provide, in themselves, living proof of devolution). Whether you loved Maggie or hated her, few will deny respecting her and maybe even admiring her. I only wish she had kept her health and her 'marbles' long enough to meet Fanny the Pope. I am sure she would have had a few choice words of advice on how to keep one's house in order and maybe a few comments about his calling the British, under her leadership, "usurpers" over the Falkland Islands. I doubt very much if a papal mace is any match for a conservative handbag. The true English character again shone through when numerous parties and celebrations took place concurrently with her funeral. Although there were numerous complaints, the crass and disrespectful revelers failed to realize that she would have considered this to be the ultimate compliment. Maggie, The Right Honourable, Baroness, Margaret Hilda Thatcher of Kesteven, LG, OM, PC, FRS - rest in peace.
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| Ending Apartheid! |
At this point you may wish to glance to the top-right corner of your screen to confirm that the date stamp is 2013 (AD). Despite comments above about many American 'undergrads' attending colleges just to play sport, High Schools supposedly still remain places of primary education. But what sort of primary education? I could scarcely believe my ears when I heard on CNN that Wilcox County High School, Georgia is, for the first time, breaking with apartheid and allowing both black kids and white kids to attend the same prom! What is the modern world coming to? Only in America!
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| 3D printed gun! |
In my last letter I marveled at how Eon Studios managed to build a replica Aston Martin DB5 on a 3D printer for the James Bond film, "Skyfall". This being America it was not to be long before some wacko had to 'print' a gun and, of course, it had to be in Texas. There was an immediate concern that this technology would make guns more readily available .. err? … maybe saving lazy, would-be gun owners the inconvenient trip to Walmart, but look on the bright side, judging by the luck most of us have with printers, I can see the hapless plastic gun owners soon to be separated from their trigger fingers. Problem solved! I wonder if 3D printers can be used to make prosthetics?
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| 1960's Wayfinders Shoes |
Having enjoyed the sophistication and quintessential Britishness of 007 in "Skyfall", it was interesting to see an American spy caught in Russia and sent home like a naughty school boy. Apparently the master spy, a black belt in ineptitude, was apprehended wearing a blonde wig (Blonde, James Blonde) and sunglasses (!) and was carrying a compass, a Swiss Army knife and an Atlas of Moscow (following advice straight from the Cub-Scout handbook). American espionage at its very best! I wonder if the compass was in the heel of his shoe (remember the "Wayfinders" shoes of the 1960's?). Anyway, the CIA, very wisely, has declined to comment.
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| Queue jumping $#@&% ! |
Americans refer to what Brits call 'queues' as simply "lines" and I believe that reflects a deep misunderstanding of what a 'queue' is actually meant to be. According to the OED, a 'queue' is, in fact, a line of e.g. people or cars, each waiting their turn. I have just performed my early evening relaxation routine of taking deep breaths, exercising jaw muscles and massaging the colour back into my knuckles after the daily 20-minute exposure to Houston's maniacal, third-world, driving in rush-hour traffic on the way home from work. I have mentioned before that use of indicators is thought to be a sign of weakness in Houston but there is another driving habit that really makes my blood boil: the by-passing of long queues, often on hard shoulders and ghost-islands, to push in at the very front...
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| Hire a handicap! |
Unfortunately these guys get so far ahead there is never an opportunity to make sentiments known (even though the most appropriate suggestions are anatomically impossible). A few months ago a good friend of mine, a calm, easy-going chap, explained to me that my letting this infuriate me was entirely voluntary and he simply doesn't allow it to bother him. This, to me, was a truly enlightening and life-changing moment - as I realized with even more frustration, that some people can do that. But the American avoidance of queues, without the partial anonymity of cars, has now elevated to a more heinous level. It has become customary for rich American's to hire 'handicapped guides' to allow their party of spoilt brats to jump the long queues in Disneyland; the same brats who will no doubt grow up to think it is acceptable to jump the queues in traffic. I am inclined to hope that one day they too will become handicapped to rightfully earn this privilege – actually I am sure you can hire someone to make that happen too!
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| President Biden! |
Three scandals have rocked the White House in recent weeks. Resisting the American habit of appending '-gate's to scandal-gates: 1/. the Bengazi cover-up, 2/. the IRS targeting Republicans and 3/. the illegal phone tapping of the Associated Press. So, with such profound recidivism, why do so few Americans, Republicans and Demoncrats alike, think Obama should be impeached? …. err … two small words … President Biden.
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| Walmart's "Valu-pak" Ham |
Anyway, the warm and pleasant Houstonian spring is now coming to an end and the vicious, hot and humid summer threatens. It will soon be time to reluctantly bring out my shorts and subject the American public to my pasty-white British legs. I say 'shorts' but the strange, baggy specimens endorsed by my 'better half' are only slightly shorter than my longs rendering the majority of their numerous pockets, for all practical purposes, out of reach. I can only guess that the design dates back to the Neanderthal era when arms were longer (or maybe the term 'cargo shorts' originates from Continental baggage handlers of similar ilk). Anyhow (sic), the slow process of tanning will soon begin and my lower extremities will gradually transform from British pasty-white, through lilac, to the delicate hue of Walmart's "valu-pak" sandwich ham - just in time for winter.
Stop Press! My 'Green Card' arrived in the post yesterday upgrading my USA immigrant status to 'Permanent Resident'. I always said that it was far too easy to get into this country!
