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| Arrival of the Royal Baby! |
The BIG news, of course, is the arrival of the Royal Baby, the future King of the United Kingdom and Commonwealth (not just England as the US media purport). It seemed strangely paradoxical that, so soon after Americans had finished celebrating their Independence from the British Monarchy, declared on July 2nd 1776 (they always celebrate on the wrong day), the whole nation was swooning over the birth of another British monarch. American news anchors were forefront in the camp outside St. Mary's Hospital in LondonEngland as well as in Buckle-Berry, Burk-Shire-England where they delighted in providing over 2 weeks of 24 hour no-news-yet coverage. "Royal Male" delivery times are notoriously poor in the UK and the long wait only served to heighten the excitement. Even the birth itself took much longer than expected. Many attributed this to 'royal ears' though, presumably, those would have proved quite useful in the latter stages of delivery. Anyway, very best wishes to Kate, William and 'Boy George'; such joyous news is so rare these days.
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| Best music video ever made! |
By the way, a special message to Barry, "If I had a son he would look like George!" ...
I suggested in my Letter XIV of April 2012 that Barry's unnecessary, racial comments about the Martin/Zimmerman altercation, intended to 'appease' the masses, were more akin to David Bowie's "Putting out the fire with gasoline." Now, at the other end of the intellectual spectrum, professional astronaut and amateur musician Commander Chris Hadfield has resurrected another of David Bowie's hits, "Space Oddity", on board the International Space Station! I would suggest that this is the best music video ever made and ever likely to be made. If you haven't seen it then you must. Follow this link: Space Oddity
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| Snowden - Hero or Villain? |
I wasn't really surprised when Snowden announced to the world that American phone calls were being monitored by the American National Security Agency (NSA) but I was really surprised that so many Americans were really surprised. Of course, Republicans immediately blamed Barry for this outrageous invasion of privacy until a sheepish voice from a ranch in Texas admitted, "err… actually it was my idea." The concept of Dubya having an idea was a shock to many but the Republicans had to back down and splutter excuses. Regardless, let's get real here (sic), you don't have to be a CTO to know that if a technology can be used it will be used (and abused) and George Orwell's forewarning, albeit fictional, can hardly be regarded as short notice.
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| George Orwell's "1984" |
The media's abstruse reference to Orwell's novel, "Nineteen-eighty-four", the far-fetched story about just how scary it would be if everyone were being monitored, prompted many Americans to research the book on Google (an internet 'sight' that monitors your every keystroke) and then buy the book on Amazon (an internet 'sight' that monitors your every keystroke) delighting in the convenience of their names, addresses and credit card numbers 'auto-filling' from their previous visit and the clever computer recommending other books with a remarkable insight into their tastes.
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| 2013's "1984" |
The NSA was disappointed that China, that shining beacon of democracy, was not entirely sympathetic to it's plea to hand over Snowden and also that the Chinese didn't seem 'particurary surplised' that they too were being monitored by the NSA, "We oleady know you risten our terepho' cos we risten your terepho'." Soon after that Snowden, denying that he was in hiding (in an encrypted interview from an undisclosed location) fled to Moscow where he spent the next month in duty-free. Surviving there on cheap booze and oversized "Toblerone", he knew he would be safe because the NSA didn't have a boarding pass. But don't think for a moment that Snowden will disappear into political asylum to live a long and happy life as an expat. He will be pursued relentlessly by guys in blonde wigs and sunglasses with Swiss Army knives and compasses (ref. Letter XXI) until he is found and then 'disappear' he certainly will.
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| Amelican Clap in China |
Another example of American-Chinese reciprocity, bizarrely, concerns the exchange of rubbish (aka trash/garbage). While we all know that the Chinese are responsible for flooding the globe with cheap, tacky, junk (and July 2nd fireworks), few people realize that the USA's biggest export to China is also rubbish. In 2011, the USA sold $11.3 billion worth of scrap (mainly plastic and metal) to China but that will soon change. China's "Opelation Gleen Fence" indicates that China no more wan' Amelican clap so Amelica will have to try another ploy. Why not use the lubbish to build Amelican cars and then export them to China? Long have I forecast the demise of the American car industry and now, Detroit, once known as "Motor City", the car-capital of America, has declared bankruptcy. I didn't do an MBA (regrettably) so I don't pretend to understand the implications of a city declaring bankruptcy (does everyone have to move out?) but it sure is a telling sign. Very sad. By the way, in Houston there is another commonality between Americans and Chinese and that relates to driving and road safety but therein lies another story.
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| British man - Andy Murray |
Andy British-when-he's-winning-Scottish-when-he's-losing Murray was utterly miserable after he lost to Federer in last year's men's Wimbledon final (so no change there then) but, in July 2013, he finally delivered on promise and the 'Brit' won the men's title for the first time in 77 years! Well done Andy; we never doubted you! Initial reports claimed that it was the first British victory in 77 years and reporters had to be reminded that Virginia Wade won long ago when the likes of Billy Jean King and Martina Navaratilova were playing men's tennis. In fact Fred Perry was the last Brit to win the men's championship way back in 1936. Does this mean that in 77 years time, Daily Mail readers will all be wearing Andy Murray clothing? But anyway, he is now destined for knighthood and, as if that is not ridiculous enough, also the BBC's award for "Sports Personality of the Year"! Let's see if this encourages the BBC to rename the program "Sports Person of the Year".
But on a more serious note: I would like to offer my sincerest condolences to the family of a young African American chap who was killed by gunshot in the prime of his life. Though he was innocent of any crime and unarmed he was killed in an altercation that may so easily have been avoided. I refer of course to the Chicago Firefighter and Paramedic, a husband and father and real-life hero who had so often put his life on the line to save others – a terrible tragedy and a loss to society. Oh, you never heard about this? I wonder why?
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| The real Martin |
There were several aspects of the Zimmerman trial that were deeply troubling even if we set aside the fact that the trial was a complete sham to appease the racism-protagonists who have nothing better to do than contrive racial slants on everything. With the overwhelming and irrefutable evidence in favor of defense no Judge should ever have allowed the trial to go ahead but all legal precedent was cast aside to prevent riots across America.
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| Irrefutable evidence |
If anyone needs reminding of what I think about the teenage delinquent and thug, Trayvon Martin, they only need re-read my Letter XIV of April 2012. It may be necessary after 15 months of media bias and racist propaganda. I honestly couldn't care less about Martin's "hoodie", his tattoos, his gold teeth, his dope-smoking or his chosen Tweeter name of No_Limits_N***** (yes, the N-word); it is entirely up to individuals how they wish to advertise their IQs (or lack thereof). I do however have very strong opinions on his proven history of violence, truancy, school suspensions, graffiti, theft and burglary, all established facts conveniently overlooked by the media and the American justice system. It was cringe-worthy, if not nauseating, to see liberal news-anchors pussy-footing around political correctness in a pathetic attempt to appear unbiased while being so obviously biased in favor of prosecution.
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| CNN Liberal PC Pussies |
The cardboard-cut-out named Wolf Blister on CNN, still incapable of. Speaking more than six. Words at a time because. He can't keep in. Time with his auto-cue. Was the most pathetic spectacle of all followed closely by Andersen Cooper, the stuffed-shirt with stiff hair like a dried paintbrush. Even public schoolboy Piers Morgan fell foul of the CNN charade in a hopeless attempt to protect his mediocre popularity. If their efforts were deliberately intended to stir up a frenzy of false expectation it certainly worked and, consequently, the eventual outcome of the trial caused outrage across America. Outrage is something even stupid people do well. But was the case really anything to do with race? After NBC failed in it's attempt to edit tapes to make it appear racist, the so-called "civil rights activists", Jesse Jackson, Benny Jealous and President Barry stepped in to make damn sure it was.
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| Opera Windfree 'outraged' |
Opera Windfree was another 'celebrity' to wade into the argument with unnecessary and inappropriate racial slants to further fuel the outrage and, consequently, her cable channel started to turn a profit for the first time since inauguration. This substantiated the old adage, "the Opera is not over until the fat-thin-fat-thin-fat lady sings."
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| Trial by live primetime TV |
In fact the only racist slur in the entire episode (with the exception of Martin's chosen tweeter name aforementioned) was Martin referring to Zimmerman as a "creepy-ass cracker" (terribly rude) before he beat the guy senseless. Nevertheless, if the two subjects had been of same race, be it brown, pink, yellow or green you never would have heard about the altercation in the first place; this stuff happens every day in America! Oh, and by the way, if a crazed six-foot-two-thug of any hue had just broken my nose and was sat on top of me repeatedly smashing my head onto concrete I might just be miffed enough to shoot the scum-bag myself (despite the fact that he looked so cute in CNN's baby photos).
By the way, apart from providing fodder to the 24/7 news channels, I can't think of a single good reason why court cases should be televised and lawyers interviewed on live TV after each court session; much better for trials to be conducted behind locked doors as they are in Blighty. Then, if you really must contrive an unnecessary racist slant to the trial and create unnecessary media drama, you could announce the verdict by black and white smoke signals from the courtroom chimney?
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| @Pontifex:We are all sinners! |
That brings me back to Fanny the Pope who is currently on tour in Brazil. He now has a cool Tweeter account called @Pontifex and millions of daft believers actually believe he is tweeting with his own papal thumbs. Recently 'he' tweeted, "@Pontifex: We are all sinners!" so someone must have been reading the newspapers after all. Reply from @BritishUsurper: "Well done, Sherlock! Now what are you going to do about it?"
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| Invention of the "Cronut" |
It is now just over a year since the USA lost its AAA credit rating but just recently the USA lost a world ranking far more important to the national psyche, reputation and morale. I refer, of course, to the world rankings in Obesity. The USA now only ranks second in the world, a loss of title blamed entirely on Future President Chris Christie having his stomach banded. Surprisingly, Mexico now leads the world in obesity probably due to so many of them defying Doctors orders and eating too much Mexican. Don't worry though, there are enough Americans to shrug off this temporary blip and rise to the challenge of regaining the title. The response has been immediate. In New York a croissant has been mated with a doughnut to yield a "Cronut" with twice as many calories as either 'parent'. Americans are prepared to queue (not something that Americans are good at) for several hours to buy this delicacy. Mexico doesn't stand a chance.
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| "Vocal Fry" Epidemic |
In the Netherlands the letter 'G' is pronounced with a disturbing guttural, expectorating noise that often gives foreigners the cause to jump back and check the front of their shirts. Depending on dialect, it can be very unsettling to the untrained ear particularly when sung by females in otherwise pleasantly melodic songs. But why do I mention this now? It is well known that Americans love fried food (and by 'fried' they usually mean 'deep-fried') but a phenomena spreading like wildfire across the United States is so-called "vocal fry". 'Vocal fry' is a highly contagious infection or affectation thought to have originated in New York. It is most likely to infect impressionable young girls at about the same age that vocal register drops (amongst other things) in their friends of the opposite sex. Also particularly vulnerable are role-models of sub-zero intelligence like Spears and Kardashian and this has had the unfortunate effect of popularizing the infliction. Depending on gravity, it is at best peculiar and at worst extremely irritating.
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| Vocal fry analogues |
'Vocal fry' is a dysphonia best described as the descent of enunciation to a low, creaky, guttural vibration. It can vary between mellow and barely noticeable to a croaking, staccato, rattle resembling Joe Cocker or Bruce Springsteen with laryngitis. Lily Savage also comes to mind. Just like most things fried, vocal fry starts by sizzling around the edges when only the end of sentences, particularly nouns, are infected, but if uncorrected, it will spread though verbs and adjectives to take over entire sentences. This is very difficult to explain in text so try this equally irritating link (sorry, it's the best I could find): Vocal Fry Once infected, the condition will likely worsen and become increasing difficult to correct in adulthood. Used excessively 'vocal fry' can permanently damage the vocal cords and several ENT doctors and speech therapists suggest that some women may lose the ability to speak altogether – now there's a thought (can I choose which?). By the way, emulating Spears and Kardashian may not be the very best of lifestyle choices.
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| Plastic bimbo 'drops sprog' |
It is obviously a loophole in the American Constitution that allows the likes of plastic bimbo Kim Kardashian to breed. I am intending to draft a 28th amendment. Indeed KK has just 'dropped a sprog' and named the poor critter "North West" (315˚ for short). The poor kid might be pleased to learn that she had an internet video following of millions (the 'walking-brain-dead') before, during and after her birth. She may be less pleased to learn that she had a greater internet following before, during and after her conception. Sadly, the average intelligence of the human race drops another notch.
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| Tabloid-Twins Weiner and Spitzer |
And just when my bleating about the American 'forgive and forget' psyche was beginning to wear thin: Former New York Democratic Governor and ex-CNN host Eliot Spitzer who resigned in disgrace amid a prostitution scandal in 2008 has re-surfaced to run for New York City Controller. Though he is infamous for lack of 'self-control' he is presumably used to paying extortionate bills promptly. You may be quick to draw analogies with his "tabloid-twin", the Tweeter-Perv Weiner, who coincidentally has re-surfaced to run for Mayor of New York after undergoing "therapy" (it should have come as no surprise what the Weiner would find 'therapeutic') but this gets even better. Also running for Controller is a Ms. Davis, a Libertarian who served four months at Rikers Island High Security Prison for running the prostitution ring that supposedly provided the prostitutes to Spitzer! You could't make this stuff up. Only in America! The New York Magazine conflated Weiner and Spitzer into a single monstrous creature called a "Weinerspitzer" but there is one thing much more frightening to New Yorkers: the prospect of either of them winning!
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| American potato farmers |
Americans plant potatoes by digging a hole, throwing in a potato, filling the hole and tamping down. American dentists think British dentists are potato farmers. A few months ago I had the misfortune to develop toothache and so reluctantly and miserably sloped off to a dentist, a wonderful Vietnamese lady recommended by a good friend. After sorting out the insurance paperwork (of course) and signing the disclaimers (of course) she inspected and cleaned my teeth and then recorded by bite pattern. I didn't have a bite pattern. The seven amalgam fillings collected over the years had destroyed my natural bite pattern and caused otherwise healthy teeth to contact and wear. Furthermore it was observed that my fillings were much larger than would ordinarily be expected of someone who had visited the dentist religiously every six months since childhood presumably because NHS treatment in the UK is deferred until 'worthwhile'.
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| American dentistry |
Over the following few weeks I had all my fillings replaced with color-matched 'composite' and my bite pattern restored as best she could. It took 45 minutes to complete each and every filling (which apparently it should when done properly) and on completion of the last the first few had to be adjusted slightly again. I've said it before: you get what you (or insurance companies) pay for! The only similarity I can see between British NHS dentists and American dentists is their inability to understand that it is impossible for a patient to talk with the whole upper torso of a Vietnamese Dentist in your mouth. The subject then predictably got around to teeth whitening and I conceded to a moderate procedure to lighten my teeth without becoming a CNN news-anchor. $300 later a mirror was provided and the results were subtle but pleasing but, wow, don't my eyes look yellow!
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| Yee-haw! Ooh-aargh! |
Talking about potato farmers there is now a new internet dating site exclusively for farmers called, inventively, Farmersonly.com. I jest not! Their 'strap-line' is, "City folks just don't get it!" I can't help picturing a bunch of 'Worzel Gummidges' at a members-only barn-dance sitting on bales of hay and boasting about their "brand-new combine harvesters"! Yee-Haw! Ooh-aargh!
A good friend of mine suggested I share the following anecdote because I had a profound effect on his 16-year-old daughter and conveyed a simple message that he, as her father, was struggling to communicate ...
Question: "Would you ever consider wearing the same blouse every day for the rest of your life? I guess not because you get fed up with stuff real quick, right? You also know that fashions change, your tastes change, your body changes, your friends change, your whole life changes, right? And, washed every day, that blouse will fade and soon look old and ugly, right? I think you would really get to HATE that blouse more than anything you have ever hated before, right? Then why do you want a tattoo?"
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| Skymall's faux tattoos |
Apparently the father overheard the kid relaying the logic to her friend the next day so a bone-in-fillet-steak-dinner at Perry's Steakhouse is on him! But there is now a compromise courtesy of the infamous Skymall! You can buy shirt/body-stocking combinations that give the impression of hideous tattoos (at least from a distance) - see pic. At last Skymall has produced something that makes sense!
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| Message from Barry to Al |
By the way, a question following Wimbledon and the British Golf Open: Why don't tennis players and golf players have tattoos?
Stop Press: Message from the White House to Al-Queda: "Dear Al, Please note that we will be closing all our embassies in the Middle East on Sunday 4th August. If you are intending to attack, please bear in mind that collateral damage may be limited and loss of life minimal. Normal services will resume 09:00 on 31st August. I apologize for any inconvenience caused. Thank you. Barry." It appears that we don't need Snowden to leak intel. and aid the enemy.
Lastly, in Birming-Ham-England (there's that fascination with pork products again - by the way, Birmingham is actually pronounced "Buuurbigub" in the local dialect which is even worse) it was reported in the local press, "Graffiti artist falls to his death while spray–painting a building with his tag. The tragedy happened……" … err ... sorry ... wait a minute ... what tragedy?
