 |
| "One, two, two and a half..." |
It has now been 10 long years since the USA (and conspiring allies) invaded 'Eye-rack' (without justification, strategy or consideration of consequence) but "you never forget how to blow up a bike". The same was about to happen again when self-appointed 'world-policeman-plod', Barry wanted to declare war on Syria (no, Americans, Syria is a small country 'over there somewhere', not an iPhone app with a sexy voice). This would have been the first time that Barry had declared war since Obamacare but a war he could conveniently hand over to the next president. Déjà vu all over again? Embarrassingly Barry's 'red line' had left Barry 'red faced'. All he could do was threaten to count to three: "One, two, two and a half …"
 |
| Dad's Army's strategy |
He had positioned war ships in the gulf (portrayed on CNN with graphics much akin to the start of "Dad's Army" in the UK) and telegraphed a surprisingly explicit and informative description of the exact nature and extent of his imminent attack. But wait, maybe, just maybe, he should 'cover his ass' and consult Congress, that shining beacon of American democracy and decisiveness. Oops, they are all on holiday … never mind … time for a game of golf. Thankfully, Russia's Vlad (Ras-)Putin was able to step in to prevent all out war. Yes, Russia more effective than America at 'impro-diplomacy' on the international stage – what is the world coming to?
 |
| Vlad 'horseback riding' |
I think Vlad was the best candidate for this year's Nobel Peace Prize! Long gone are the days when Barry was awarded the NPP "for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples." … err? … even then he failed to stack up against previous winners like Des, Nelson and Martin Luther. Maybe Barry should take up bare-chested horse riding? [by the way, for some strange reason, Americans always say "horse-back riding" … why? … personally, I prefer car-seat driving]
 |
| iPhone dB app |
My last letter had an unfortunate effect on several of my male friends. Until I drew attention to female "vocal fry" the phenomena had gone unnoticed. This I found surprising. Now these friends also find it extremely irritating and one has actually fallen out with his girlfriend … oops. Vocal fry has now reached California too. During a short gastro-break it the wine country (more on that later) it was evident that, when couples try to have a hushed conversation in a nice, quiet restaurant, it is only the raspy, 'fried' ends of sentences that carry. When the background music subsides, I swear, it sounds like a rainforest of crickets and frogs. This is not apparent in Houston where even 'nice' restaurants have a noise level in excess of 100 decibels (I have a dB iPhone app) which, by OSHA 'elf' and safety standards is classified as dangerous and requiring ear protection. Texans literally have to shout across the dining table but, the 'flip side', when eating one handed with a single fork, the cutlery noise is halved.
 |
| Guinness is good for you! |
It is a sure sign of assimilation when I resort to critiquing TV commercials but here goes … oh dear. As previously bemoaned, the vast majority of mainstream commercials (with the possible exception of GEICO) are sufficiently banal and crass to appeal only to the dumbest of the captive audience (many of whom rush to the telephone immediately to spend their $19.95 and "get another one absolutely free"). Then there are 'begging' commercials specially designed to separate fools from their 'heart strings': teary-eyed, sick kids appealing for help, teary-eyed sick animals appealing for homes, teary-eyed sick politicians appealing for forgiveness. One recent commercial, however, rises above this dross: bizarrely a Guinness commercial. The message, though unspoken, is quite simple and benign: "really good friends drink Guinness together" but this commercial plucks the 'heart strings' like an archer drawing a bow. Whether or not it will sell more Guinness is debatable but it actually leaves you wanting to be a better person. Check this out: Guinness (don't worry though - the feeling won't last long).
 |
| Lava Lamps invented 1963 |
It has now been 50 long years since an iconic event focused world attention on colo(u)r and discrimination and, to this very day, regardless of repeated cycles of heat and calm, there are still strong forces at work to maintain immiscibility. I refer, of course, to the invention of the lava lamp by the British accountant Edward Craven-Walker in 1963.
 |
| "I have a dream" |
It has also been 50 long years since another iconic event focused world attention on colo(u)r and discrimination and, to this very day, regardless of repeated cycles of heat and calm, there are still strong forces at work to maintain immiscibility. I refer, of course, to MLK's "I have a dream" speech of 1963 and the 50 years of continued effort by prominent racism protagonists to prolong and sustain racial tension. Racism in the USA has long been a non-issue among the vast majority of intelligent and educated folk but therein lies the problem: a massive swage of stupid and uneducated (read 'un-educatable') folk, activists that have to be active about something and a drug-addled, delinquent, underclass of numerous races all too easily incited by said prominent and influential racism protagonists. Although the 2013 (ig-)Nobel Prize for Perpetuation of Racism was fiercely contested by Jesse Jackson, Benny Jealous, Al Sharpton and even Barry Obama, the well-deserved winner was Opera Windfree. Opera clinched the deal by insisting emphatically, just when racial tensions were beginning to subside, that the recent Zimmerman case equated to the Emmett Till case of 1955 (one of the most heinous racially motivated murders in US history). Well done Opera! For someone who has spent a lifetime manipulating racial issues to build an empire, this may be regarded as a lifetime achievement award. MLK would turn in his grave!
 |
| "I is what I is." |
If racism is ever to be 'archived' in the USA it will require intelligent debate and, as if to prove my point, Celebrity Cook Paula Deen (I was inclined to call her a Celebrity Chef until I saw one of here programs) jumped into the fray with both feet. Her racist 'gaffs' cost her tens of millions of dollars in TV contracts and sponsorships. Her defense, "I is what I is!" Good grief! Q.E. 'cotton-pickin' D!
 |
| American football invades Wembley |
While European 'soccer' is growing in popularity in the USA, American football is growing in popularity in the UK. When the Minnesota Vikings played the Pittsburgh Steelers at Wembley, the bastion of English soccer, tickets sold out within minutes of being advertised and the crowd of 83,519 was treated to a spectacular demonstration of what sport can be like without the conventional thuggery. A razzamatazz of bands, cheerleaders, pompoms, popcorn, hotdogs, beer – and fun for all. Conversely, it would seem that Wales, famous worldwide for rugby of a class and quality grossly disproportionate to the nation's small size and population, has now been dragged into the crass mire of British premier footballship.
 |
| English football invades Wales |
Cardiff City Football Club (Clwb Pêl-droed Dinas Caerdydd – that's Welsh) under the ownership of mustachioed-multi-billionaire, Tan Sri Dato' Seri Vincent Tan Chee Yioun (that's not Welsh; it's Malaysian) recently bought the loyalty and services of England striker, Huddersfield-born football-pro Fraizer Campbell, for, by his standards, pocket-change ('pro', in this context, being short for prostitute of course). Campbell had previously faked loyalty to Manchester United, Royal Antwerp, Hull City, Manchester United (yes, again), Tottenham Hotspur and Sunderland! As was anticipated, his talent bumped Cardiff into the premier footballship and, for the first time in 51 long and happy rugby years, Cardiff was forced to tolerate the invasion of some 50,000 premier football fanatics. The first game of the season was at home to Manchester City. A bloke from Bosnia scored the first goal for the visitors. Then a bloke from Korea set up a goal for a bloke from Iceland and the 'home team' scored an equalizer. Then footy-slut Campbell scored two. Then a bloke from Spain scored a second for Man City and the final score was 3-2 to 'Cardiff'. Of course the Italian manager of Man City was not best pleased. Forgive me if I don't go rushing home to the valleys to wave a Red Dragon and support the local 'boyos' in this noblest of hometown sports.
 |
| "Hello? Mr. Rouhani?" |
It came as a shock to many folk when Barry picked up the 'dog and bone' to speak with President Rouhani of 'Eye-Ran' (Cockney Rhyming Slang ref. Letter VIII of May 2011). At first it was reported that Barry wanted to discuss Eye-Ran's nuclear plans but this was only a ruse. Faced with a gridlocked, dysfunctional government and a shutdown looming, he really wanted to ask for advice on how to run a successful democracy. The advice was crystal clear: "only allow wispy-bearded members of the tea-party to run for office and only allow tea-vangelicals to vote". After a few moments of socialist contemplation there was a click on the line and then a dial tone.
 |
| Grand Canyon closed! |
The US Government shutdown worried the American public almost as much as the Twinkies factory shut down. I suppose it was inevitable considering the egos of the personages involved. The Republicans wanted to shut down Obamacare. They couldn't do that and so they shut down everything except Obamacare … so that worked well then. Almost a million non-essential government employees were sent home without pay (drawing attention to the fact that there were almost a million non-essential government employees). Congress was sent home on full pay of course. The only noticeable effect to date has been the closing of the National Parks and memorials but many volunteers have stepped in to ensure veterans can still access the graves of their fallen friends (and quite rightly so). One Japanese tourist with a Nikon Coolpix and a silly hat refused to believe that the Government had closed the Grand Canyon. The stunned silence was deafening when the reporter suddenly realized that she wasn't talking about locked gates she was talking about plate tectonics!! … "commercial break quick!"
 |
| Monster Raving Loony Party |
If Barry doesn't want to follow Rouhani's advice then I think America needs a 'semi-credible' third party like we have in the UK (albeit, at the moment, the namby-pamby Liberals). Maybe we could export Screaming Lord Sutch's Monster Raving Loony Party. Americans like British eccentricities and quirkiness and the MRLP couldn't possibly be any less effective in opposition than the current GOP.
Before the government shutdown, a new law was introduced in Washington to outlaw the walk-in tattoo trade. Would be 'tattooees' now have to make appointments with would be 'tattooers' 24 hours in advance. This law was implemented in response to a survey that indicated 92% of 'tattooees' eventually regret having their tattoos (4% the following day, a further 16 % within a year, 60% within 10 years, the rest later). But … wait for it … 73% of those planning to have a tattoo or recently tattooed think they will be in the 8% minority … err? By the way the statistics had to be normalized to '100' because 25% of 'tattooees' initially interviewed didn't understand percentages. I rest my case.
 |
| The "Pizzaburger" |
The obesity crisis in the USA (i.e. the trauma over losing the World Obesity Title to Mexico) has resulted in civil war. As previously reported, a baker in New York took the first action by inventing a "Cronut" (a cross between a croissant and a donut with twice the calories of either parent). In retaliation fast food workers went on strike. Forget the government shutdown, defaulting on debt or even poisoned gas attack, nothing could be more devastating to Americans. Then the New York Mayor tried to ban 16-ounce drinks but this was deemed 'unconstitutional' (regardless of folk always being allowed to buy two 8oz drinks and, suspiciously, only one straw). Then a restaurant in Boston invented the "pizzaburger", you guessed it: a cross between a bacon cheese burger and a pepperoni pizza (1360 calories). Then a law was passed in Texas to impose a 'snack tax' on all small packets of snacks. This left everyone wondering which side these guys were on – were they discouraging hungry folk from buying snacks or encouraging them to buy bigger packets? The civil war continues …..
 |
| T.G.I. Friday's |
I returned home one evening to find a typed letter slid under the door to my apartment: "In consideration of fellow residents, would you please be so kind as to refrain from machine washing clothes and vacuum cleaning your unit on the Sabbath. Your cooperation in this matter is greatly appreciated. God bless the Management Committee." I pondered the omission of the comma between 'God bless' and 'the Management Committee' and contemplated it being deliberate, but for some strange reason the polite absurdity of the letter seemed to warrant some sort of reply. My reply: "Dear Management Committee, Since I work full time and travel frequently, such requests can be difficult to accommodate, however, in the spirit of neighbourly conduct, cultural sensitivity and the modern American attitude to diversity and inclusiveness, I will try my very best to comply. Could you please advise which Gods and which Sabbaths are relevant in this instance. PS. Did someone sneeze?" How to win friends and influence people. I still await a reply. By the way, I have always found it strange that the American fast food chain "T.G.I. Friday's" is so popular in the Middle East. Shouldn't it be "T.A.I. Thursday's" over there?
 |
| l'Auberge Carmel |
Returning to my recent gastro-break in California. California is very different from Texas and Californians are very different from Texans. Driving is relatively sedate and courteous (and drivers wave with all five fingers) but hiring an open-top Mustang to drive down the Pacific coast was not exactly a novel idea. The procession of AVIS rentals looked like a modern-day wagon train. By the way, sporting a baseball cap to prevent sunburn in an open-top car is only partially effective; I returned home looking like a white egg in a red egg-cup. Carmel-by-the-sea is a charming little sea-side town (there is a hint in the name) with 120 art galleries and numerous excellent restaurants and wine tasting rooms. l'Auberge Carmel fully lives up to its reputation as being one of the best in America as too does Executive Chef Justin Cogley; his 10-course surprise menu (which turned out to be 14-courses) was exquisite perfection, albeit requiring a second mortgage. Clint Eastwood's "Mission Ranch" was disappointing; as with its owner, it appears to be in terminal decline and is rapidly losing popularity - there were plenty of empty chairs to talk to. After slumming it at l'Auberge for three days, we progressed to the gastronauts' mecca of the Napa and Sonoma valleys to push the human tolerance of fine wine and Michelin stars to new limits before returning to Houston (with 3 extra kilos of 'luggage'). A wonderful break - thoroughly recommended! By the way, although Napa has become synonymous with Californian wine, in fact only 4% of Californian wine comes from Napa – I guess that's a reflection of just how good it is.
 |
| Rivera - end of a stella career |
Many Brits think of Baseball as a grown-up variant of 'rounders' designed for overweight Americans who are too unfit to play football but, believe me, there is far more to it than that. I found this out years ago when a hospitality event afforded me the opportunity (and honour) to practice batting in the "Astrodome". The Houston Astros were playing away and so a very privileged few were allowed to "step up to the plate" with full professional commentary booming around the stadium only to embarrass themselves on the enormous screen (then the biggest in the world). Great fun, but I was not best pleased when I was introduced as coming "all the way from Waaaaaales-Englaaaaaand!" Since then time has moved on and sadly the "Astrodome" is due to be demolished.
 |
| Dubya and Barry 'pitch' |
As if by analogy the performance of the Houston Astros has deteriorated to the point that they are now known as the 'Disastros' and their fan base has dwindled after season upon season of 'anticipointment'. Nevertheless, in September the Astros were able to pay homage to the undisputed greatest 'closer' of all time, the New York Yankees' Mariano Rivera as his stellar career came to a close. As chance would have it, his final game was at the Astros home stadium, "Minute Maid Park" [It used to be called the "Enron Stadium" but you know that story]. Rivera was famous for befuddling batters with his "cutter" pitch, a 100mph "fastball" that swerves unexpectedly just before the plate. In a single season he splintered 44 bats leaving batters swinging tattered stumps. Apparently you can tell a lot about a guy by the way he pitches a baseball (see pic) ... err?
 |
| Must love dogs dating! |
Last but not least, I have mused before about the proliferation of specialist/niche internet 'dating' websites (ChristianMingle.com, FarmersOnly.com, BlackPeopleMeet.com, SugarDaddie.com, etc., etc.). Just recently, thousands of ugly 'broads' were delighted to see the latest site hit the interweb and a sudden rush of electrons blocked the broad-bands in the frenzy to subscribe … until they realized that "YouMustLoveDogsDating.com" referred to the four-legged variety.
Have a great fall, y'all!
