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| Italian vs. British |
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| Comfortable 'micro-climate' |
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| The "Bait Car" vermin trap |
I am also very conscious that an open top car is far more prone to theft and very much hope that the advanced alarm/immobilizer system of the Maserati is still one step ahead of Houston's thieving underclass. One moderately entertaining program on cable TV's "TruTV" is "Bait Car". OK, OK, I know, not quite in the same league as "Downton Abbey" but worth watching occasionally in between commercials. A so-called 'bait car' is rigged with mic, video camera and a remote control system that can cut the engine and lock all the doors to entrap human vermin, appropriately, in much the same way as 'roaches and rats. Undercover cops sit and wait, usually not for long. Imagine the following paragraph being whispered in the dulcet tones of David Attenborough in one of his BBC wildlife programs:
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| "Darwinian principle prevails" |
"And now we see the vermin emerge from the shadows of the urban jungle, primordial instinct making the 'new car smell' too difficult to resist. With oversized trainers, long shorts and waistbands lowered to their gonads they waddle with necessarily short steps towards the parked vee-hicle. They appear to have injected ink under their skin and pierced their flesh; a primeval form of preening. They are furtive and unsure as they circle their prey. Though the females wantonly display mammalian breasts, parental instincts are basal in this sub-species; young are quickly abandoned to fend for themselves on the street. They appear to communicate in a simple patois; expletives replacing adjectives. Now they enter the vee-hicle. They rummage for loot and then, naively, they close the doors. The trap is set. Now with full mic and video surveillance the diminutive intelligence of the sub-species becomes fully apparent. As soon as the vee-hicle moves off, the predatory pack of cops breaks cover. The alpha-cop taps a button, the doors are locked and the engine is disabled. The cops move in for the kill. The trapped vermin make frantic but futile efforts to escape. Darwinian principle, once again, prevails."
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| Car thieves to mulch |
90% of those caught are repeat offenders. To me the solution is obvious: first offense - a fine of $100 and a stern, legally binding, warning that the penalty for any second offense is vasectomy; they then have a clear choice. Though Texas does have a death penalty (humanely by lethal injection rather than by wood-chipper as I would prefer) it does not extend to this type of vermin; the only solution, therefore, is to prevent them from breeding.
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| The Simpsons Mathematicians |
Now here follows the most convoluted segue to date and it comes with a severe 'nerdery' warning (maybe you should skip this chapter). I truly believe that the Aston Martin DB9 is the most beautiful car on the planet but admit that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. While the Italian Ferraris and Lambos are breathtakingly awesome (sic), I think they lack the Aston's grace and sophistication and are styled with just a wee hint of vulgarity. Forget Bugatti! Now, here goes (deep breath): to a mathematician, the most beautiful thing in the universe is the equation e^(i.∏)=-1 (Euler's Identity).
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| Euler's Identity |
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| Fermat disproved! |
One example (again I seriously suggest normal folk skip this): You all know (hopefully) that x^2+y^2=z^2 describes the relationship between the sides of a right-angled triangle (it did when you went to school and it still does). Probably fewer people know that equations of this form cannot be solved for powers greater than 2. This is Fermat's postulation. But in one Simpsons episode Homer actually appeared to disprove this with 3987^12+4365^12=4472^12 (see pic). I was amazed and my calculator convinced me that he was correct (this was before Google). I much later found out that I, along with many other gullible fans, had been conned (and yes, by Homer Simpson). D'oh! I think by now you get the picture but the American media has only just realized that this 'nerdery' has been going on clandestinely for more than 24 years and the shocking revelation made headline news! But, there again, with the 'intelligence' of the American media, this should come as no surprise. More information here for those daft enough to be interested: Simpsons
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| The new 'Popemobile' |
It would appear that I am not the only one to recently acquire a ridiculous Italian vee-hicle. At the other ends of the performance and ostentatiousness spectra, Fanny the Pope is now driving a 20-year old Fiat Camagnola on his foreign excursions; this in addition to the 1984 Renault 4 he drives around Vatican City (I guess he likes all that white smoke). Maybe Dan Brown's novels about Opus Dei and the Catholic 'mortification of the flesh' are not that far-fetched. I am intending to design a bumper sticker for Fanny: "My other car is a Popemobile". But the big news: although he is still stubbornly intransigent on the British/Argentine ownership of the Falkland Islands, he would appear to be softening his stance on other salient issues. He has actually sent out an opinion-survey to Catholics asking their Catholic opinion of … err … Catholic opinions. Having said that, his attitude towards gays was a bit of a 'cop-out', "Who am I to judge?" … err … the Pope, maybe – isn't that part of your day job? But if he continues to act like this then the classic rhetorical question "Is the Pope a Catholic?" may cease to be rhetorical! And what exactly do bears do in the woods?
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| 'Obamacare' roll-out |
The implementation of the Obamacare website went as well as anyone with any IT background could have reasonably expected. Ironically, the Republicans who had done everything in their power to shut down Obamacare were the most critical when it very effectively shut down itself. When millions of enthusiastic punters tried to register for health insurance on the first day only six (6) were successful. This statistic was not widely publicized because, at one point, it may have actually been seven (7). Barry then promised to bring in an 'A-team' of IT specialists to solve the problem, begging the question why the A-team wasn't involved in the first place. But the best reaction to Obamacare came from a most unlikely source: Adolf Hitler. If you haven't seen this hilarious video then you must: Obamacare
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| The "Oops!" Brothers |
The false sense of security (aka invincibility) afforded by 3.5 ton American SUV's (i.e. 5 tons when fully loaded with the average American family) positively encourages 'multi-tasking' at the wheel. By 'multi-tasking' I mean texting-while-phoning-while-smoking-while-eating-while-drinking-while-applying-makeup-while-shouting-at-kids-while-wrestling-with-dogs-while-driving. Even the term 'driving' is generous as these enormous vee-hicles are typically only 'aimed' (and to hell with everyone else on the road!). But soon there will be another unwelcome distraction: Google goggles. Just wait for the sudden jump in RTA statistics when these ridiculous contraptions become more widely available. And just wait for our resident idiot, Texas Governor Rick Perry, to veto any law to prevent their use while driving as he did with the proposed law banning texting. Perry is the only guy pretending to be a politician that makes Toronto Mayor, Rob Ford look competent and he is now responsible for 25 texting-while-driving deaths in Houston alone. No doubt, if asked for comment, he would say, "Oops!"
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| Chase telephone banking |
I recently decided to transfer a significant amount of money from my current account in the USA to a "savings" account back in Blighty (to launch the interest rate from a minimal 0.01% to a staggering 0.075%). I decided to do this via American telephone-banking rather than electronic internet-banking to make sure that the international bank codes didn't conspire to leave the money in limbo. The much publicized issues with the Obamacare website did not inspire much confidence in American IT. Fully expecting to be routed through Mumbai, I was surprised to hear an American accent. A very polite JP Morgan Chase 'Platinum Account Executive' took all of my details and then asked, "What is the reason for the transfer, Sir?" to which I replied, "That's none of your business". The following conversation ensued:
"Well I have to put something into the system, Sir."
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| Supercalifragilistic... |
"OK, then please input "none of our business"."
"I can't do that, Sir."
"I can't do that, Sir."
"OK. Input whatever you like."
"But I have to input a real reason, Sir."
"OK. OK. It is to start a new business …"
"Good. Thank you."
"… called "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"."
"Are you sure, Sir?"
"100%"
After the protracted keyboard rattle that followed, I insisted on checking the spelling phonetically (I had pulled it up on Google) and the conversation eventually closed with, "Can I help you with anything else today, Sir?"
"No. Thank you. You have a great day."
"You have a great day too, Sir. ... Oh, and Sir ... good luck with your new business." Click.
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| "Charlie, hotel, golf, over" |
That reminds me of two things confusing about modern education (apart from no longer teaching higher mathematics at Universities): 1/. Why aren't school kids taught the NATO phonetic alphabet (alpha, bravo, charlie, etc.)? It would make adult life so much easier. The variety of weird words used to clarify the spelling of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious was ridiculous and the 'x' was a complete showstopper. Long gone are the days when kids could learn NATO/police phonetics by watching "Z-Cars". 2/. In this computer/keyboard driven age, why aren't kids taught how to touch type (apparently the most popular key, even among the super-nerds, is 'back-delete' which is often struck more than ten times in succession with the right 'pinkie'). Wouldn't both these additions to the national curriculum make perfect sense? (did I just use the terms "national curriculum" and "sense" in the same sentence?)
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| Washington Redskins |
The dimwitted activists who try to contrive racial slants on everything have now given up on Zimmerman (old news) and moved on to baseball (remember, all dimwitted activists must remain actively active). The Washington Redskins (established in 1932) are now suddenly blatantly racist and should be forced to change their name regardless of the vast majority of American Indians considering the name a mark of honor and prestige; a celebration of their heritage. But, worse still, according to the dimwitted activists, the term "Indian" itself is also offensive (sorry, no offense to Indians from India) so the proud and patriotic red-skinned American Indians have been told that they must be offended on both counts. The Cleveland Indians must also change their name but the Atlanta Braves are spared as long as we promise to imagine pale-faced-Native-American-braves and not red-skinned-American-Indian-braves (am I allowed to say "native"?). The term "Yankee", as in New York Yankees, however, remains perfectly acceptable. Talking of which, I wonder how many Americans realize that the Cockney Rhyming Slang for an American is a "Septic"? (am I allowed to say 'septic'?)
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| Halloween Pumpkin winner! |
Halloween this year was as much fun as ever. Thankfully, living 17 floors up with a 24-hour security gatehouse and concierge, shields me from the hundreds of marauding kids tricking and treating. The security guard administers a huge vat of sweets on residents' behalf. Again modesty forbids me from telling you who won this year's office pumpkin carving competition (see pic). Last time the design was inspired by James Carville (Letter XI); this time by Charles Krauthammer (am I allowed to say 'Krauthammer'?). Having said that, I do acknowledge that CK, wheelchair-bound after severing his spine in a diving accident, is 'one of the good guys' and inspires a lot more than pumpkins.
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| Benelli Super Black Eagle II |
While my new Green Card fully entitles me to text while driving, to slalom across lanes without indicating, to eat one-handed with a single fork and to wall-mount light switches at a jaunty angle, it still doesn't cut me any slack when it comes to firearms applications. When I recently bought a Benelli Super Black Eagle II, semi-automatic shotgun (for duck-hunting, not school-shooting) I was subjected to several whole days of FBI background checks. The dealer was most apologetic and seemed surprised that I thought this was perfectly appropriate and reasonable! Having said that I recently found out that Iowa State is actually granting permits to own and carry guns in public … wait for it … to the blind! (and not just to the visually impaired, 'legally' blind' but to the totally blind!) Apparently, even those without constitutional sight have that all-American constitutional right!
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| Bay Flats Hunting Lodge |
The shotgun was needed for a 'team break' involving duck hunting and fishing at Bay Flats Lodge, Seadrift, Texas. Amusingly, this recreational activity is known locally as "blast and cast". I was forewarned, essentially, that hunting/shooting/fishing attire in the USA differs somewhat from that of Blighty. Barbour, tweed, breeks and brogues (and shirt and tie of course) should be replaced by waders and full body camo..
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| Hunting USA vs. Blighty |
This was going to be testing; the last time I tried to buy camouflaged troosers, I couldn't find any (sorry). Conversely, some years ago, when an American friend was invited to a shooting party in AberdeenScotlandEngland, he turned up in full body camo. only to be told by the snooty game-keeper, "Sir, we are shooting pheasants, not going to war!"
The Texan duck-hunting experience was certainly different: hours of abject misery interspersed with fleeting moments of excitement and exhilaration, the latter, surprisingly, more than compensating the former. Reveille was at 03:00, breakfast at 04:00 and then a 20-minute flatboat ride took us to the 'duck blinds'.
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| The duck blind |
In total darkness, the flatboats, with 200hp outboards, crashed from wave to wave at speeds in excess of 35 knots, guided only by spotlight, as we clung on for dear life. The bitterly cold headwind and stinging rain, initially invigorating, rapidly turned to purgatory somehow missing the various degrees of unpleasantness in between. Thoughts of roast duck, foie gras and confit quickly turned to concerns for survival. Somehow the guide managed to locate a semi-submerged bench 10 miles into the flats and threw anchor. He then 'planted' a dense 5-foot wall of brush around the bench and floated about 60 decoy ducks out in front. This would be our home for the next 3 hours sitting and shivering as the bitter cold and driving rain continued to sap the last remnants of energy and morale. But then the first ducks came over, adrenaline kicked in and what fun it was! Soaked to the skin and frozen to the core, the agony of the return boat trip was beyond unbearable but, after a hearty lunch, did we want to do it all again in the afternoon? Absolutely!! (my bag: 2 redheads, 2 widgeon, 1 golden eye, 1 pintail). By the way, 6 is the limit for a days hunting in Texas and the fine can be as much as $500 for each bird over the limit!
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| Feral hog damage |
Proud gardeners in Europe dread the invasion of moles. During my time in the Netherlands we tested this by visiting a friend's garden under cover of darkness, several nights in succession, with a sack of earth to build mole-hills on his, otherwise immaculate, lawn. The joke worked much better than expected when his father-in-law who visited several weeks later, suitably armed with mole-traps and smoke-bombs, returned from the garden to report that Dutch moles are really strange; they don't seem to have holes!!! But in Texas there is a much bigger pest: feral hogs. In a single night they can turn over a garden with the efficiency of a diesel rotavator. See the picture here of what used to be a perfectly manicured grass bank near my office. Then one night the hogs simply 'disappeared' - nothing to do with recent firearm acquisitions and the majority of Texans being hunters of course. I wonder what the namby-bambi environmentalists would make of that? Enjoy them sausages!
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| Ohio State Marching Band |
Last but not least, in my last letter I drew attention to the difference between sports events in the USA and those back in Blighty. In the USA several colleges have marching bands that put Liz's Coldstream Guards in the shade. Take a look at this video of the Ohio State College Marching Band: Ohio State Band Brilliant!! And all this is done while playing an instrument! Strangely it is only the cheap seats that fully appreciate this; the most expensive, 'ring-side', seats see a bunch of soldiers walking around.
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| Merry Holidays?! |
It may be a bit early to wish everyone a Happy Christmas but I celebrated back in October when they first put up the decorations in Houston! I still refuse to subscribe to the American, politically-over-correct, "Happy Holidays" BS so:
Y'all have a very Merry Christmas and a safe, healthy and Happy New Year!
