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| The Shard, LondonEngland |
A business trip back to LondonEngland, just before Christmas, refreshed my appreciation of Polish hospitality. You may remember, I commented in Letter XII of February 2012 that every hotel receptionist, concierge, waiter, barman, barmaid, shop owner and sales assistant who I encountered in LondonEngland was of Eastern European origin. Well, I must admit to just a wee tad of exaggeration. However, I can now report that every hotel receptionist, concierge, waiter, barman, barmaid, shop owner and sales assistant who I encountered on my latest trip to LondonEngland was of Eastern European origin. In fact, now that I think about it, I encountered very few genuine Limeys at all. I took advantage of a slack day in my business agenda to visit The Shard (UK's tallest building - expensive but worthwhile) and, along with a handful of American tourists, felt tall and decidedly conspicuous among the ubiquitous, vacant and confused 'silly-hat-and-Nikon-Coolpix' brigade, all seemingly staunch advocates of Brownian motion. My Texas A&M baseball cap, a necessary afterthought, worn more for warmth than allegiance in LondonEngland's December chill, provoked several comments from the Americans and the conversations that ensued were enlightening. Yes, indeed, LondonEngland is very different from HoustonTexas (!) and, yes indeed, LondonEngland is 'awesome', especially when viewed from 800 feet up a shard. Yes indeed, we have lots of "quaint, old" buildings in Blighty but the reason for that should be obvious: assuming you are prepared to fend off the occasional Luftwaffe, all young buildings will gradually grow old if you let them...
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| Eighth wonder of the world |
The soul-searching continues in Houston over the future of the Astrodome, once the eighth wonder of the world. Sure, it will cost a lot to maintain but that is the price of a national heritage if you want one. Since, in the USA, I am a reluctant member of a minority group known as 'The Tax Payers', may I suggest you stop buying dope for the long queue of benefit-dependent ex-hippies in Colorado and give your aging buildings a lick of paint occasionally. But anyway, it was nice to get back to Blighty for a break, nice to spend Christmas with family and nice to read some real British newspapers: The Daily Nigella, The Lawson Express, The Nigella Times, etc..
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| 69p - Liz or McMuffin? |
But back to national heritage: as if to prove my point, our Liz (now considered by many to be a 'wonder of the world' herself) is apparently struggling to pay her bills and will be asking for more money from the British taxpayers next year. The 'Royal purse' already costs each and every UK citizen a whopping 66p per annum and this may go up to 69p in 2015. Jeepers creepers! (as they say) - that's almost as much as a Sausage Egg McMuffin! Is that really too much to pay for a national heritage? OK, I know, I am unashamedly a Royalist but I guess 1/. you appreciate the British Royal Family more, as do so many Americans, when living in a country with only a Barry and a Shelly and 2/. you appreciate an architectural heritage more when living in a country where buildings are typically constructed of boxwood…
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| Tex-Mex building techniques |
Remember, I mentioned in Letter II of July 2009 that, whereas in Blighty buildings are built to last for centuries, the 'three little piggies' matchstick approach to building buildings in Houston is unlikely to build a heritage. Another new development, just around the corner from my apartment, labours my point (see pic). Having said that, the slap-dash Tex-Mex building techniques are apparently very appropriate to Gingerbread houses. In December, 2013 the Texas A&M Traditions Club in Bryan, Texas won a Guinness World Record for its 39,201.8 cubic foot gingerbread house (60ft x 42ft and 20ft high). The chef's recipe included 300 lbs of sugar, 7200 eggs, 7200 pounds of flour and 1800 lbs of butter. Apparently, the first visitor was Chris Christie.
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| Crime doesn't pay?! |
On the other hand, where money is no object, some buildings in the USA might be built to last. Built in 1922, Al Capone's former mansion in Miami goes on sale for a cool $8.5 million (who says, "Crime doesn't pay"?). But, with only one catch - new occupants are advised never to raise floorboards or dig up the garden.
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| Odious little man, Biggs |
At the other end of the gangster spectrum, Ronald Biggs, a small-time, petty-villian who played a minor role in the 1963 train robbery (I refuse to use the term "great") has finally done us all the courtesy of seeking permanent asylum in hell. He should have been made to 'disappear' the first time he raised his 'trademark' two fingers to the British Government firstly from Australia and then subsequently from Brazil. Where was 007 when we needed him? He certainly should never have been allowed to return to the UK and certainly should never have been released from prison on so-called "compassionate" grounds; little "compassion" was shown to the train driver coshed with the iron bar.
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| Tacky to the very end |
But, unsurprisingly, his vulgar, tacky life was vulgar and tacky to the end. His funeral was attended mainly by London 'low-lifes' and, appropriately, a 'welcome committee' of Hell's Angels. I just wish I could have turned the floral tribute the other way around (see pic). Good riddance to an odious little man. By the way, believe it or not (and no doubt you will), in America there are 'drive-thru' funeral homes where mourners can pay (admittedly somewhat limited) respect to their friends and relatives without their butts leaving their car seats. The coffin, with deceased, is exhibited in a glass booth for the cars to file past. This would never work in Houston as too many moron-mourners would overtake the queue and force their way into the front just to mourn a few minutes earlier than the others.
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| The prat brat |
While we are harping back to previous letters, you may also remember I commented in Letter X of October 2011 that I would give, the then nauseatingly, cherubic, Justin Beaver a maximum of 5 years before he went off the rails; he had just gotten (sic) his first tiny tattoo remember. I must now admit to being overgenerous – it took less than three. The prat brat continues to disgrace himself and his country and, since he is protected, 24/7, by equally crass and ignorant bodyguards, nobody will get the chance to beat some sense into him (no need to form that queue then). An online petition to have Beaver deported got over 100,000 signatures which means the White House now has the legal obligation to rule on it - finally a chance for Barry to issue an 'executive order' upon which both 'Publicans and Demoncrats can agree. I can't wait for Beaver's first (and hopefully last) overdose ... I'll give him another five years.
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| celeb-talent+facelift=politician |
And while we are talking about precocious kids, Shirley Temple, the Honey Boo Boo of the 1930s, has just 'popped her clogs' at the respectable age of 85 (quite old for a child actress). While I appreciate that times have changed, am I the only one who must reach for a bucket every time her films are aired? I think her parents should have given back the baby and kept the stork. When, in early adulthood, it became apparent that, beyond a contrived precociousness, she actually had very little real talent and a very ordinary singing voice, she was forced to retire and, for some unknown reason, like too many washed-up celebrities in the USA, felt compelled to go into politics. Why do so many celebrities have delusions of political acumen? Maybe Reagan gave false hope but I suspect it is simply a vane attempt to stay in the spotlight. Consider the mathematical equation: "celebrity - talent + facelift = politician" and then try to solve for "celebrity = (Shirley, Arny, Clint, Jesse, Sonny, Jerry, Ben, George)" - QED. At least Shirley was appointed US Ambassador to countries that don't really matter (Ghana and Czechoslovakia) and so could do very little damage on home soil. Oh, and by the way, why was she named after a cocktail in the first place?
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| Game, set and match, Maggie! |
At the other end of the political spectrum, Margaret Thatcher has just been voted the most successful Prime Minister since the Second World War by UK politicians of all parties even though her death last year provoked as much crass celebration as genuine sadness. I noticed at the time that many of those dancing on her grave were the hypocrites who had benefitted most from her policies but never expected arch-Socialist Arfa Scargill to fall into that category. When he received a text message from Chapstick, "Thatcher Dead" he replied, with glee, "Scargill Alive". Then it emerged that, like so many (pseudo-)Socialists, Arfa had tried to buy his London council flat by exploiting Maggie's flagship "Right to Buy" policy. "Socialist Arfa" had thus shown his true colors and was left with egg on both his faces. Game, set and match, Maggie!
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| A First Lady scorned |
If Maggie was still alive today, I wonder if she would have attended Mandela's funeral. Personally, I have no doubt that Nelson was a good bloke (at least latterly) and, having played an essential role in the abolition of apartheid, his net contribution to humanity was decidedly positive. Seriously worryingly, though, is the airbrushing of history to remove his former association with the MK and his orchestration of heinous terrorist activities. Towards the end Maggie may have lost her marbles but certainly not her memory. One thing is for sure, she wouldn't have been flirting with Statesmen and taking "selfless" like 'teenagers' Dave and Barry and she wouldn't have joined the thunderous ovation to welcome Mugabe! The scowling Shelly made her feelings clear by separating her hubby from the blonde Danish PM and then sitting between them. I thought Tiger Woods and Vicky Becks could pout but they have nothing on a First Lady scorned!
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| Never made more sense |
The highlight of the whole event, however, had to be Barry's speech or rather the 'signer' next to him improvising random signs as he went along – hilarious! While concern was later expressed about the President's security, numerous deaf folk commented that Obama had never made more sense.
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| Would be dog's dinner |
No more or less qualified to represent the USA on the world stage than Temple is the basket(-case)ball player, Dennis Rodman. As if he hadn't demonstrated his ignorance and his illiteracy enough in the interviews following his first visit, he did so by returning to North Korea to sing "Happy Birthday" to his "best friend", Kim Jong Un. This was not long after it was reported that Un had had his own Uncle "executed" by a pack of starving hunting dogs. For someone already looking like 'a dog's dinner' Rodman failed to see the irony or the risk, though, upon reflection, I would expect even rabid dogs to find this guy unpalatable. On his return to 'civilization' he checked straight into rehab. (aka went into hiding from the press) and, thankfully, hasn't been seen since. Let's hope it stays that way.
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| A-Rod disgraced |
Not to be confused with Rodman is A-Rod (Alex Rodriguez) a drugged-up, baseball player now on a record 162-game suspension (the entire 2014 season) for continuing to take performance enhancing drugs. Without the slightest sense of shame or guilt, he announced that he will take full advantage of his "year off" to sort out various medical conditions before returning to baseball in 2015 (let's not confuse rehab. with rehab. Rodders). Forever the optimist, this cheat will always consider his syringe to be 'half full'.
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| England's Ashes whitewash |
One thing that the Americans and the English do have in common is that neither can play cricket; the difference is that the Americans don't pretend to. When CNN's pseudo-English public schoolboy, Piers Morgan, ridiculed the management of the ECB after the 5-0 Ashes whitewash in Melbourne, one or two Americans actually showed a mild interest. However, while soccer is growing in popularity over here, cricket still remains a weird and confusing English eccentricity. A good friend of mine resurrected an hilarious video depicting how cricket is perceived in the USA. If you haven't seen it then you must. Click here: Cricket But, CNN, just think how many commercials you could squeeze into a five-day test match.
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| Washington Bridge |
When it was reported that fat Chris Christie was blocking two lanes of the Washington Bridge everyone wondered what he was doing on the bridge in the first place (sorry - cheap shot). Then it became apparent that the lanes had been closed deliberately to cause a huge traffic jam in retaliation for the Mayor of Fort Lee not supporting the Christie campaign. This was just the sort of story everyone had been waiting for; after his drastic surgical measures to reduce weight had inadvertently declared his intention to run for President in 2016, the media spotlight pointed his way and cast a very big shadow.
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| The 'big' apology |
It is said to take a big man to make a public apology and who better a big man than Chris Christie - he was forced to splutter a short, two hour, apology on primetime television in which he blamed everyone but himself (it was, of course, a "traffic study" commissioned by his staff along the lines of, "I wonder what will happen if you close down two lanes of a three lane bridge at rush hour … oh, look …"). What fun! Just a shame nobody thought about the school buses and emergency vee-hicles. Not to miss an opportunity, 'fit bird'/bird-brain Sarah Palin was quick to wade in, forgetting that people living in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. When reminded of 'Troopergate' she vanished like a pantomime genie. The investigation continues but, when slinging mud at fat-Chris, it is very difficult to miss. Roll on 2016!
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| What clown shortage? |
Talking of 2016, we still have some time. Can I suggest we set aside the traditional nepotism and start to look beyond the families of past and present politicians and civil-serpents. America has a population of 317 million; there might just be better choices than Hilarious Clinton (or heaven forbid, Chelsea), Jeb Bush and Rand Paul, to name but a few. Believe it or not (and I don't) there is currently a national clown shortage in the USA; I doubt if the majority of US politicians are over-qualified.
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| Tempur-Square-Pants |
After months of research, head-scratching, hand-wringing and baiting of dumb sales staff in numerous stores around Houston, I have finally taken the plunge and invested a ridiculous amount of money in what amounts to a giant 'Spongebob Square Pants' (aka a Kingsize Tempur-Pedic bed) But what a delight! The latest 'Tempur-Cloud Luxe Breeze' is a step-change in memory foam technology and, unlike its competition and its predecessors, is less inclined to slow-cook occupants in their own sweat. The remote-controlled motorized base can be adjusted (each side independently) and favorite positions memorized. There are also a variety of massage functions ranging from a gentle tingling sensation to a vibration guaranteed to rattle teeth, dislodge fillings and blur vision, not just of said occupant(s) but also, I am reliably informed, of neighbours in apartments below. However, though much thought has been given to the bed's 'M.O.' and functionality, there is one very unfortunate flaw. When changing between a so-called 'zero gravity' setting with maximum elevation to legs/feet to a sitting position with maximum elevation to head/back, there is an unfortunate intermediate position where you are folded in two at the waist, much like a slowly closing book, and are hardly able to breathe. With knees wedged behind ears and feeling much like the meat in a taco shell, a power outage at this point would doubtlessly result in a very slow but perfectly supported death.
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| University of California |
Stop press: "Racial tensions are inflamed at the University of California in Los Angeles following several incidents, most notably one where a professor corrected the grammar, punctuation and capitalization in minority students’ assignments. The act of correcting a black student was “micro-aggression” according to the members of the student group “Call 2 Action: Graduate Students of Color” (sic) which launched a sit-in during a subsequent meeting of the class."! So apparently these so-called minority idiots attend University to object to being taught! Since correct spelling and grammar, already a scarcity in the USA, are now both racist and elitist I am forced to admit to both. If you really must hand out diplomas to these morons then please ensure that they are drafted in either ebonics or using small, preferably four-letter, words. But it gets worse: a mixed race school in Brooklyn has abolished its advanced courses for the more gifted students because – wait for it – the vast majority of the gifted students were of a certain, rather pale, hue. The class was therefore also deemed racist and elitist. So now brite students don't got no access to no good education no more. It is painfully obvious that the USA is on a fast (and very poorly maintained) road to 'thirdworldship'.
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| Mustang brand and image |
Four lessons learned by a novice, 'mid-life-crisis', convertible driver:
1/. Having rented an open-top Mustang, you feel obliged to honour the Mustang (and Mustang driver) brand and image. It is therefore essential to spin wheels and fishtail when taking off from gravel lay-bys. This looks macho and cool only until you stop at the end of the lay-by to merge with traffic and the dust cloud catches up. Emerging coughing and spluttering and powdered more than an United President's Club guard'dog' is somewhat less than cool.
2/. Never use the windscreen washer with the top down. This is not quite as dumb as it first sounds; in a Mas. the lever is on the opposite side of the steering column. Nevertheless, somewhat less than cool.
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| IQ? - three and counting |
3/. In the animal kingdom, the ability to learn from mistakes is a sign of basal intelligence. The number of baseball caps blown off and lost on the I10 freeway? - now 3 (1 A&M, 1 Texans and 1 New York). Somewhat less than cool.
4/. There is nothing pleasant about driving a convertible on the cracked and crumbling concrete freeways in Houston especially in a car with 2 1/2-inch ground clearance and 'spray-on' low-profile ZR racing tyres. The concentration and constant maneuvering required to avoid potholes and debris could form the basis of a very challenging video game. Furthermore my iPhone DB meter registers 130-150 decibels with the scream of truck tyres on concrete and the fumes from poorly maintained pickups is stifling. Misérable! (without the Les) and somewhat less than cool.
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| Diamond D's? |
In Mt. Vernon, Texas, a brothel called "Diamond D's" (yes, it's legal there - remember the film, "Best Little Whorehouse in Texas") began building an extension to cope with their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a spiritual campaign to block the development with prayers morning, afternoon and evening. Nevertheless, work on Diamond D's progressed until just one week before the grand reopening when lightning struck and burned the whorehouse to the ground! The 'Bible bashers' were rather smug and bragged about 'the power of prayer' so the madam of the brothel, Jill "Big Jugs" Diamond (a nickname no doubt referring to her generosity on the lemonade stand) sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation for inciting "divine intervention". In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any responsibility for the building's demise. So now we have an entire church denouncing the power of prayer and a whore who is suddenly very religious. Funny old world!
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| Springtime in Texas |
When this story filtered through, the Houston Atheists and other 'non-prophet' organizations immediately recognized the significance and profundity of the case. Big Jugs could ask the preacher and every member of his congregation to take the stand, swear on the Bible and then challenge them, under oath, to denounce divinity and the power of prayer! The Judge of the case too recognized the conundrum. The outcome? …err … remember, the church in Texas is immensely powerful and politically influential (kinda like Europe in the middle ages). The case has simply 'gone away' and so has Big Jugs. She is now either a very, very wealthy lady with a new identity or she is selling lemonade on that great lemonade stand in the sky. One thing is for sure: this never happened.
Enjoy the Springtime y'all 'cos summer approaches.
