Letter from America XXVI - April 2014

I-10, 24-lane highway

I am sure many of you have seen the viral emails with pictures of hopelessly overladen vee-hicles from third-world countries around the globe. Well, while amusing to some, native Houstonians can only raise an eyebrow of recognition. My disdain for open pick-ups and Texican trailers was re-enforced recently when I found myself on a 70mph collision course with a large, bulging sack mid-lane of the I-10, amidst Houston's maniacal, rush-hour traffic (luckily in the Mini). What could I do? I was flanked by cars on either side and there was a 60% probability that the driver behind, already too close, was on his cell phone. Not knowing if the sack contained kittens, garden rubbish or a collection of used drill-bits and anvils, all I could do was clench steering wheel, teeth and buttocks and plough into the obstacle. Thankfully the impact was 'soft' and, after the sack had rumbled and scraped underneath the car for a few hundred yards, a glance in the rearview mirror confirmed that it was only old linen and rope; the resulting trauma to bodywork was minor (also to that of the car). Now there is a confused Texican at the border wondering where all his new suitcases went.

Mannequin torso arrested

The I-10 transcontinental highway is 2,460 miles long and runs all the way from the Pacific to the Atlantic through California, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama and Florida. Unfortunately, in Houston it is used as much for dumping unwanted goods (ref. Letter I of June 2009), leftover paint (ref. Letter XXI of June 2013) and baseball caps (ref. Letter XXV of February 2014) as it is for conventional transport and texting. In places, it is 24 (yes, twenty-four) lanes wide. In each direction there are 4 lanes of 'feeder' (aka slip road, aka service road, aka frontage road), 6 lanes of regular freeway, 1 HOV lane (reserved for 'high occupancy vee-hicles' intended to encourage car-pooling) and 1 lane of tollway. If you include hard shoulders left and right of the freeway and right of the HOV lane, then the lane count reaches 30! The tollway is charged automatically by EZ-TAG and tends to be expensive for daily use so the HOV lane invites abuse. 

Skymall's "Car Pool Kenny"

Though the lanes are patrolled conspicuously by local Sheriffs, there are several tricks to make it appear that you have 'high occupancy' including the use of mannequin torsos and inflatable dolls, the latter readily available from the infamous Skymall. "Car Pool Kenny" (see pic) is quite a convincing passenger especially when viewed through the tinted glass which is popular in the Houston sun and heat. To remain one step ahead, the Sheriffs have now been issued with heat sensitive, infra-red cameras to wheedle out the cheats, therefore it will only be a matter of months before Skymall offers a heated doll with a 12V lighter plug. By the way, regular readers will be surprised that I resisted the obvious temptation to link 'air-heads' and inflatable dolls to Corvette drivers in this little tale.  

Skymall's door alarm

Better still from the infamous Skymall, is their latest door alarm. Why use an old-fashioned, dangling bell or some cheap electronic device when you can mount a full sized guitar to the ceiling and fit a rubber plectrum to the door (see pic). The owner's favorite chord can be pre-tuned to strum on every opening and, with some practice, careful timing in 'high traffic areas' can re-create an entire Status Quo album.         

British village church

I mentioned in my Letter XXV of February 2014 that the Church in Texas is immensely powerful and politically influential (kinda like Europe in the Middle Ages). This prompted numerous comments mainly from the UK. I should therefore clarify that there are churches and then there are churches! In the UK, a stereotypical church (if it hasn’t already been converted into a pub or a nightclub) might be a charming 16th century stone building adorned with stained glass windows, spire and bell tower, nestled into the heart of a small rural village, just waiting to feature on the next tourist brochure, picture postcard or biscuit tin. By stark contrast, in the USA, a stereotypical church is more likely to resemble a concert hall or aircraft hanger and is attended more by cult than congregation.

American 'mega-church'

As if to demonstrate my point, a recent news article in the Houston Chronicle reported that "Televangelist" Joel Osteen’s Lakewood Church had been broken into and robbed of its weekend collection. Why, you might ask, would the theft of a brass plate and a handful of dimes and quarters make headline news? It transpires that Osteen’s weekend collection amounted to $600,000!

Church or toothpaste advert?

Osteen is one of the most successful confidence tricksters of all time and 'prays' off the vulnerability and gullibility of millions. Capitalizing on his stereotypical good looks, forced smile, over-whitened teeth and matching trophy wife, he has reinvented a self-serving version of so-called "Prosperity Theology" to justify his being a poor-humble-multimillionaire in the eyes of his maker. His selective references to "the scriptures" carefully avoid the subject of camels and needles. 

Osteen's 'mega-service'

Whenever Osteen is interviewed he spouts nothing but innocuous, pseudo-religious piffle and sidesteps any subject of substance or potential contention lest having an opinion on anything should limit his popularity (read earnings) or impact his book sales. Numerous genuine 'men of the cloth' regard this guy as a sham and a fraud, as do I, but who can question a business model that rakes in $300,000 a day with negligible overhead. Truth be known, he could earn twice that much if it didn’t take quite so long to clean the stage of goo and slime in between his so-called 'sermons'.

But don’t get me wrong, I respect all ~4200 world religions (even the most ridiculous) and I can fully understand why like-minded folk might want to congregate every so often to practice their respective rituals and traditions. However, I have always struggled to understand why like-minded atheists would want to congregate to 'not believe' together. The very existence of the "Houston Atheists" baffled me until an expatriate friend of mine offered an explanation. Several of his irreligious friends had been ostracized by their local communities and now, officially, 'don't belong'. If you are relocated to Oklahoma, be prepared: introductory conversations quickly dispense with pleasantries to establish the essentials. The following conversation framework may act as a useful expat guide for first interaction with the natives (you will be asked these questions in this specific order):

Middle Ages - angel or witch?

1. "Hello, how are you?" (response: irrelevant)

2. "I’m [name]. What's your name?" (response: 'relevance pending')

3. "Do you have children?" (response: 'relevance pending' but if answer="yes" then goto 4 else goto 6)

4. "Boys or girls?" (response: 'relevance pending')

5. "Ages?" (response: 'relevance pending')

6. "What Church do you belong to?" (response: pivotal)

In the case of an inadequate and/or unconvincing response to the last queston there may follow a tentative offer of an introduction to a specific church, otherwise 'interview over’. You will be labelled a witch and banished to the urban wilderness which brings me back, full circle, to the Middle Ages … 'nuff said?

New faces - Lizzy & Novak 

I got a serious telling-off (from my Mum, of all people) for saying bad things about Shirley Temple so I daren’t say a word about Julie Garland. Daughters of washed-up child actresses, however, remain fair game. The Oscars this year was (were?) as tedious as ever but a few priceless moments instigated by the delightful 'lipstick'*, Ellen DeGeneres broke the otherwise mind-numbing crassitude of the event. Liza Minelli appeared on the red carpet either drunk, stoned or both to mumble confused incoherences at Piers Morgan and to pull a number of strange, contorted faces as the Twitterazi exploded in efforts to work out what was happening to her. She had been dressed-up and made-up like a teenager with an all-too-revealing satin dress and a matching blue streak in her hair. Aged 67, a blue rinse would have been more appropriate. Little did she know, then, that her appearance had not gone unnoticed and that she would be the butt of the best 'dig' in Oscar history. DeG congratulated this strange personage for being "the best Liza Minelli impersonator ever" and capped it off by saying "Good job, Sir!" The scowl on Lizzy's face was priceless though unnaturally limited by the plastic surgery and thickness of make-up.

DeG's Oscar "selfie"

To add insult to injury, Lizzy was unable to fight her way into DeG's now famous "selfie" though, when seen from behind, she can't be criticized for not trying (see pic). Brilliant! As if Lizzy was not scary enough, the event could well have been confused with a trailer of a horror film when Kim Novak took the stage. Barely recognizable in her latest face and looking like a reject from a Madame Tussauds factory, even DeG was left speechless. Why can't ex-celeb's in the USA retire gracefully? Please don't tell me she's running for President.

DeG's "selfie" from behind 

*'lipstick': just when the USA, state by state, is coming to terms with gay marriage (which is fine with me, by the way) it would appear that, according to the LGBTQ movement and in the American spirit of diversity and inclusiveness, we must now recognize 5 'sexes' and, to complicate matters further, the L can be subdivided again into two distinct types, 'lipstick' or 'chapstick'. 

By the way, soon after the Oscars, CNN sacked Piers Morgan! His dwindling popularity just goes to show that smug, English superciliousness has a short shelf-life in the USA … err … OK, point taken, but remember, I'm not English.
  

Who could be that dumb?

The DeG "selfie" at the Oscars which shattered the Twitterazi record for "re-tweets" (sorry, this is only a short term aberration, I will revert to proper English soon) transpired to be a clever publicity stunt engineered by Samsung. DeG had been bribed to use the Samsung Galaxy iPhone and all twelve stars who participated in this spontaneous and unscripted folly had been duped (including little Lizzy at the back). Who, apart from Oscar-goers could possibly be that dumb? Enter Barry. Having made a presidential idiot of himself by taking "selfies" at Mandela's funeral bash (ref. Letter XXV of February 2014) he did so again with David Ortiz at a recent Red Sox party and this too turned out to be a Samsung publicity stunt.

"I know naaaarthing"

The White House insisted that Barry had had absolutely no idea what was going on … err … kinda like Bengazi, Fast and Furious, Petraeus, Syria, the IRS, the NSA, the Obamacare website? Is anyone beginning to see a pattern here? Though the White House can often be confused with Fawlty Towers, there must be a limit to the number of Manuel's, "I know naaaarthing"s before folk begin to wonder if he knows anything at all.

Talking of Obamacare, Barry is now celebrating the success of his flagship "Affordable Care Act" by sacking his Health and Human Services Secretary, Kathy Sebelius. Apparently, 7.5 million punters have now signed up. Isn't it amazing what the most powerful man in the world can achieve by making something mandatory and fining people who don't comply. Rumour has it that several of those signed-up are actually healthy.       

Galveston old town

The seaside town of Galveston is the Houstonians' favorite weekend retreat being only a short, 45-minute drive south on the Gulf Freeway. In the sunny Spring, when temperatures are pleasant, thousands of fat, tattooed people migrate to the coast to waddle on the sand and paddle in the sea. Not a pretty picture. Galveston has now fully recovered from the hurricane of Katrina and the British spill of British oil by British Petroleum and now sits and waits for the next disaster, natural or otherwise. Though there are remnants of the 'good old days' in the architecture of the 'old-town', the greater area is a sad reflection of patched-up devastation and neglect (kinda like Kim Novak, aforementioned). There are, however, a handful of half-decent restaurants. "Guido's" is a traditional (aka old-fashioned) seafood restaurant where waiters still wear bow-ties, waist–coats (several sizes too big), smart black trousers and trainers. Though the fish is fresh, it is typically deep-fried or pan-fried and greasy. All the restaurants have chalkboards on the sidewalk advertising their 'daily specials'; folk don't seem to realize that a 'special' in a crappy restaurant is 'especially' crappy. There is also one half-decent hotel, "The Galvez". It 'looks the part' but, regrettably, the ambience and service is only marginally better than the infamous budget hotel "La Quinta" which is far more befitting 'La Prom de Galv' (by the way, for the mono-linguists among us, "La Quinta" is Mexican for "Next to Denny's"). 

Galveston new 'pleasure pier'

In a vain attempt to attract the summer crowds, a new pleasure park has been built on the old pier but this is neither 'classy' enough to attract the tattooless or 'tacky' enough to attract the tattooed. It is quite obvious to me that, with the seaside towns of Blackpool, Scarborough and Southend-on Sea, to name but a few, Blighty remains the undisputed world champion of 'seaside tacky'. Having said all that, at this time of year, Galveston offers miles of seafront and a cool, fresh sea breeze that is a pleasure to behold (and without that background whiff of canine excrement omnipresent in the Netherlands). As Wallace and Gromit might say, "A Grand Day Out!"

Nutter-system nutters

After several weeks of business travel and a short vacation I have to admit to putting on a few pounds and, with some encouragement from 'the better half', I have embarked on a special diet to dispense with 'the Texan love-handles'. Though there are numerous diet variants and expensive, tasteless food products advertised on commercial TV by washed-up celebrities and burnt-out football players (all willing to sacrifice their little remaining dignity to earn a few extra bucks on the side), my 'special diet' involves the apparently novel and strange concept of … err … how do I put this? … eating less. I briefly considered the traditional complementary measure of 'working out' (according to the concierge, my apartment building has a very well-equipped gymnasium somewhere) but that seemed like a step too far. Anyway, since news of this nature makes national headlines these days, I intend to keep Chris Christie fully appraised of my progress. By the way, a passing thought - should 'love handles' acquired on business trips to the Middle East be called 'arranged marriage handles'?

American game shows

The GSN (Gameshow Network) is an American commercial TV channel dedicated, unsurprisingly, to American commercials and American gameshows. If you are prepared to suffer the frequent interruptions by the mad woman who talks to complete strangers about her colon, some of the gameshows are mildly entertaining. "Jeopardy", "1-100", "Wheel of Fortune", "Family Feud", though hardly intended to stress the grey matter, are 'watchable', whereas, "The Newlywed Game", "Mind of a Man" and others make Honey Boo Boo look intelligent. Notably common to all American gameshows are the over-excited and overweight contestants who continuously clap themselves like demented circus (elephant-)seals. Why? Can someone please throw them some fish! A recent import from Blighty, however, has raised the bar.

The Welsh "Beast"

"The Chase" features the brilliant Welsh Mastermind, Mark Labbett, known as "The Beast", who takes on a team of all-comers, in a fairly straightforward general knowledge quiz. An imposing bloke of 6ft 7inches (2.01m), 26 stone (170kg) his frame overshadows his combatants as much as his intellect and knowledge. Texas-born Brooke Burns compliments the program and is surprisingly smart and eloquent, regardless of her past life as a bikini-bimbo in Baywatch (the "Beauty and the Beast", maybe?). Though the format of the game is deliberately designed to handicap Labbett, he rarely loses.

British Super-heros

But, why do I mention this now? Might the importation of "The Beast" be yet another example of a fundamental change in Anglo-American attitudes? At one time the 'baddest' hollywood villains, whether sinisterly mustachioed, nefariously bald or menacingly masked were all Brits; now, in addition to The Beast, not only are the super-heros Spiderman and Batman true-Brits (played by Andrew Garfield and Christian Bale respectively) but also, amazingly, the all-American icon, Superman, the Man of Steel and Roast Beef (now played by Henry Cavill)! If this is possible then maybe, just maybe, there is a chance of a British President one day (maybe one who has 'mislaid' his birth certificate?) – now there's a thought.

Barry, it won't sink!

Oh dear, here we go again - Crimea. As a good friend of mine commented, the world is full of countries and it is difficult to keep track of the ones you have already wrecked. Obama's team of Hair-Salon-Napoleans lead by the Florence Nightingale wannabe, Kerry has been dispatched, with a big boat, to float around the Crimean peninsula and look threatening. I am sure Vlad the Bad is now quivering at the knees. Something may have been learned from the Charge of the Light Brigade but what good is a big boat in the Black Sea? You can't torpedo Crimea, Barry; it won't sink; it's stuck to the bottom. But it gets worse: as if to say, intimidatingly, "and would you like fries with that?", all three McDonald's restaurants in Crimea have been closed. Now that is a sanction that will really bite. Watch this space - another international disaster waiting to happen. Of course, if Russia does absorb Ukraine, then Americans will no longer have to look it up on the map.   

Last but not least, according to the International Energy Agency, the USA is on course to becoming energy independent by 2035. This will doubtless make Chelsea Clinton the most popular President in US history!